Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

please explain

2007-10-20 03:58:55 · 10 answers · asked by polkadotsonice 2

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

2007-10-20 03:56:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jan. I ate
Feb. I shaved
March I sat on
April I killed
May I cut open
June I threw
July I chewed
Aug. I blew up
Sep. I cracked
Oct. I bit
Nov. I zapped
Dec. I licked
Choose your date of birth
1.Barney
2.A clown
3.My mattress
4.My mother
5.Patrick
6.A banana
7.A gnome
8.A potato chip
9.Elmo
10.Paris Hilton
11.A fat man
12.Hobo
13.A fat kangaroo
14.A guy named Bob
15A hippo
16. A Penguin
17.A moose
18.A dog
19. The Teletubbies
20.A dolphin
21. A cow
22.My boyfriend
23.My grandma
24. A fork
25. A balloon
26. A pepper
27. Ketchup
28. A chicken
29. Homer Simpson
30. Britany Spears
31. An apple
Your favorite color
Blue: Cuz spongebob said so
Yellow: On Mars
Red: On live tv
Green: In a car
Orange: At Liza's House
Purple: with flying monkeys
Polka Dots: Cuz im so sexy
Stripes: At subway
Other : Cuz im awesome!


Ok i got I cracked the teletubbies cuz Spongebob said so.

2007-10-20 03:40:41 · 32 answers · asked by Floosh. 5

A Gelephant! Well, what do u think? REALLY childish but it needs to be cuz I gotta party w/ little kids at it.

2007-10-20 02:22:13 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

sex is a temptation that starts with a sensation when a guy stick's his location in a girls destination to increase the population for the next generation do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

lmao i love it

2007-10-20 00:37:39 · 17 answers · asked by ParisianSkies_/^^* 2

A grade 1 girl runs home real excited and tell her mom that after gym she had to have a shower.
She was the only girlin the shower with BIG BOOBS!!!!
Her mom tells her not to worry about it. You are 16 years old sweetheart.

Laurey.
laureycraig66@yahoo.com

2007-10-19 23:57:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A German guy approaches a prostitute, "I vish to buy sex vit you".
"OK" says the girl I charge £20, an hour.
"Ist good but i must varn you I am a little kinky "no problem" she replies, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girls flat, where the German produces four large bed springsand a duck caller "I vant you to put ze springs to each of your limbs"
The girl finds this most odd but complies fastening the springs to her hands and knees
"Now you vill get on your hands and knees,"
She duly does this, balancing on the springs
"You vil please blow zis vistle as I make love to you" she finds this odd but figures It's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say
"That was totally amazing, what do you call that"



"Ah" says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique.

2007-10-19 22:51:48 · 17 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- A harp is a nude piano.

- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

2007-10-19 21:51:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-19 20:51:52 · 29 answers · asked by rachaelray2001 2

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

2007-10-19 20:42:55 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

2007-10-19 20:41:04 · 23 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

2007-10-19 20:38:11 · 13 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a b10w j0b from a
gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

2007-10-19 20:23:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. Because of a hole in one of the bags a $20 bill occasionally falls out of the bag and onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag... "

"Damn!" says the little old lady .. "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. And each time there's a game, a lot of the male fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, an d each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay".

2007-10-19 18:53:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.

He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F**KING DISHES"

2007-10-19 18:52:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and
told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

She went up to him, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guy, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the
time of his life."

2007-10-19 18:49:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. Im scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

2007-10-19 18:45:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

2007-10-19 18:31:38 · 23 answers · asked by thinkpeace 3

There was a man
who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real
"miser" when it came to his money.

Just before
he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."

And so he got
his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would
put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished
the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said,
"Wait just a
moment!"

She had a small
metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,

"Girl, I know
you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife
replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised
him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

You mean to tell
me you put that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?"

"I sure did,"
said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him
a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

2007-10-19 17:27:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the
School playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that
He could not contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
Kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy
Take off his pants. Then Aunt Jane ...

" At this point, Mommy cut him off
And said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
The rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
When you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Little
Johnny started his story by saying, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he
Was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then, he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants.

Then, Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do


When Daddy was in the army."

Mommy fainted!



Moral of the story: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
Before you interrupt!!!

2007-10-19 17:12:39 · 21 answers · asked by Pisces Baby 3

thnx! XD

2007-10-19 16:49:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

joke 1:

There was a squirrel and a bear walking thru a forest when a genie appears. They each get 3 whishes. The bear goes first,, "I wish for the biggest u know wut", the squirrel says "i wish for a helmet". The bear replies "I wish to be the most attractive bear ever." Squirrel "I wish for a motorcycle!", Bear "I Wish all the bears were female." Squirrel jump on his motor and says, "I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY!" and rides off.

LOL i liked it alot star if u like!

Joke 2: There was a man with a 25 in penis who wanted it shorter so he asked a doctor how to...the doctor replied go to the magical from on madagascar and ask it to marry u...if it says no itll shrink 5 inches...........5 months later the guy is in madagascar and he finds the magical from and asks it to marry him."no" its now 20 inches...he asks again and again its no...he thinks to him self"1 more time would be shorter than i could wish for and longer than other men could wish for..one last time "how many times do i

2007-10-19 16:34:41 · 4 answers · asked by Bob B 3

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear,
I just want to tha nk you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek."

2007-10-19 16:10:24 · 10 answers · asked by Sparkles 7

We named him Steven. We brought him home, and our cat, who used to be very good with the litter box started doing his business all over the house. It all came to a head when I found Lauralei (our cat) in the boy's crib. I took that dirty thing and threw it out a third floor window into the snow.

Anyway, when my wife got off work 8 hours later, she said I had to bring the kid back in and get rid of the cat!

That was the punchline. I tell that story all the time. It is funnier delivered verbally to people who know me but I wanted to know what you think about it. I will now beg for stars. Gimme Stars please!

2007-10-19 15:52:13 · 2 answers · asked by Ralishev 1

I would have my homework.
But it was my fault,
That I fell on the way,
and dropped it down the gutter.
I tried to catch,
I went under the street.
I saw it,
And I caught it..
But the big Alligator
ate it up.
So now
I don't have it...
WAIT A MINUTE..
Is that my homework
behind your back???

2007-10-19 14:21:26 · 8 answers · asked by saphira_samreena 1

in the milledgeville georgia walmart there was this maniac in the cereal aisle...well he had some kind of reation that made him get really crazy or what ever...well next thing we know hes slashing all the cereal boxes with his knife....luckily no one was hurt....but in later police reports they found out.....he was a serial (cereal) killer!

2007-10-19 14:18:23 · 18 answers · asked by nolan b 1

A brunette a red head and a blond died. In heaven god said it's getting to populated here. I'm going to tell you guys 200 jokes whoever dosen't laugh too any of the jokes gets to stay here in heaven. If you do laugh you have to go back on earth.

So it was the brunettes turn first she made it up to joke 50 then laughed, so she was sent to the earth.
Then it was the red heads turn she laughed at joke 100 so she was sent back to earth.

Finally it was the blond turn she was doing a really good job when she got to joke 199 she started to laugh. God asked her why did you laugh you only had one more joke to go. The blond said cause i just got joke number 1.

2007-10-19 13:50:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

that was always having sex. In fact he was sex crazy. No animal on the farm was safe from his exploits. He had all of the chickens, the dog, the cat, six cows and the whole heard of sheep. The farmer said to the rooster "one day you're going to drop dead from sex"

Two weeks later the farmer sees the rooster laying still on the ground with vultures circling overhead. The farmer mumbles to himself.."I knew he would drop dead from sex one of these days"
The rooster opens one eye and whispers to the farmer
"Shhhhhhhhh.......I'm trying to get them to land"

2007-10-19 13:38:53 · 6 answers · asked by mark 7

A blond went to an electronic store, she went to the counter and said i wanna buy that computer over their. the owner says sorry we don't sell to blonds. so the blond goes out and puts a brown wig on. she goes back to the store and asks can i buy that computer once again the owner says sorry we don't sell to blonds. so she walks out and put on a red wig. she goes to the store and asks again can i buy that computer and once again the owner says sorry we don't sell to blonds. the blond asks how did you know i'm blond and the owner says cause it's a microave.

2007-10-19 13:30:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What if things were reversed ?
What if God created woman and called her Eve, and He created Eve with 3 breasts.
After a while, Eve complained to God that her chest was too heavy so God removed the middle breast from Eve and placed it in Eve's hands.
Eve then asked God, ''What should l do with this usless boob''?

God then created man.

2007-10-19 13:29:44 · 13 answers · asked by Steven H 5