Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

2007-10-21 05:19:15 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

somthing that beggins with f and ends in uck what is it?

2007-10-21 04:50:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

"C",,it has four letters and ends in "T",,,what could it be?
10 points to who gets it first,,,

2007-10-21 04:45:05 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Click on the link at the bottom for a demo.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurre

2007-10-21 04:26:19 · 11 answers · asked by . 6

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

2007-10-21 04:09:10 · 17 answers · asked by Freakin 6

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!". Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

2007-10-21 02:23:18 · 7 answers · asked by Mr. Nobody 5

To please her . Bob asked " is there ANY thing you can do? Dr. says there is one thing but it is experimental and there are risks. Bob says "Well what what are we talking about ? Dr says , Well we take the trunk of a baby elephant and surgically attach it to to your lil pecker, Bob says just do it!. Well 3 months later all is well with Bob and her girl and they are out having a drink at the corner bar when ALL OF A SUDDEN Bob's new pecker JUMPS UP OUT OF PANTS AND SNATCHES A PEANUT OFF THE BAR and disapears out of sight! The bar tender says HOLY SH*T BOB Can you do that again? Bob says ,, Sure but I don't think my Bung hole can take another Peanut! :)

2007-10-21 01:59:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

2007-10-21 01:43:07 · 14 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

2007-10-21 01:11:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some years ago I heard a joke which involved two clergymen.
Whilst in the church one said to the other whilst looking at a parishoner (that the other hadn't noticed cos he was looking at the fine architecture) "Is that Fanny Green?" and the punchline was "No it's just the way the light comes through the stained glass window"

2007-10-21 01:09:54 · 7 answers · asked by David H 2

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

2007-10-21 01:09:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) When there"s only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn"t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Smile,and goback for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for otherpeople, but
push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone
and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend.
After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Gregg. How"s your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to
pick it up,then scream,That"s mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever
anyone gets on,ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone
gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It"s okay, don"t
panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don"t exist.
16) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
19) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away
slowly.
20) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
21) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope
22) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button
23) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a
while, then anounce, "I have new socks on".
24) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
anounce to the othr passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

2007-10-21 00:54:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours
sincerely,


Charles Brown
Store Manager

2007-10-21 00:47:50 · 25 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

little girl finds her dog dead with its legs up in the air and asks her dad why its like that, Dad says its died and is like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven, next day she says dad mum neraly died today she was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh jesus, im coming im coming and if the milkman hadnt been holding herdown we would of lost her.

2007-10-21 00:44:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pair of sunglasses and pair of jumper leads walk into a bar and try to order a drink. The barman stops them dead " Im not serving you, no way". The sunglasses asks, "Why"?
The barman says "because your off your face and your mates about to start something"



Feel better now do we??

2007-10-20 20:27:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started"

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster"

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster"

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

"Let's put all the "Kellogges" Corn Flakes back in the box"

2007-10-20 20:08:25 · 13 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. THATS TOO MUCH !"

2007-10-20 20:04:07 · 35 answers · asked by Salloo7a 3

if you were on death row and they asked you what would you like your last meal to be what would it be?

2007-10-20 19:27:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'".

2007-10-20 18:47:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

2007-10-20 18:41:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

2007-10-20 18:21:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two couples were playing poker one evening.Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife,Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back upagain, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.Bob's wife followed and asked,'Did you see anything that you like under there?'Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costsof this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoonsand Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500

2007-10-20 18:15:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are things you SHOULDN'T say in these 16 states. If you think they are funny, I'll put up the other 34

ALASKA: Hold on...let me turn the air conditioning on
FLORIDA: Thanks for f**king up the 2000 election, you idiots.
LOUISIANA: Hello, have you met my friend Katrina? She works for FEMA
WISCONSIN: No thanks. I'm lactose intolerant
NORTH CAROLINA: What's NASCAR?
NEW YORK: I swear, 2001 was the best year of my life!
NEW MEXICO: UFO's are only seen by rednecks on crack.
IDAHO: Hahaha! Wait, say it again...you da what?
KANSAS: The Wizard of Oz sucked.
RHODE ISLAND: So...you're the anti-Texas?
TEXAS: Everything's bigger in Texas?...somebody's in denial!
SOUTH CAROLINA: I'll have a non-alcoholic beer, please.
MASSACHUSETTS: Red Sox suck!
NEBRASKA: Go husk some corn.
HAWAII: Yeah, my grandpa was in the Japanese Air Force.
ALABAMA: Who's Jeff Foxworthy?

Don't worry...I'm making fun of my own beloved state too (see Wisconsin)

2007-10-20 17:52:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man, Smokey the Bear really knows how to put the pressure on... what am I supposed to do, monitor every forest on earth somehow and get around and put them out without help? I mean gosh, I'm willing to do my part, but you know...

2007-10-20 17:08:02 · 14 answers · asked by Count Chocula 5

You have died. You are in limbo. You have not been good enough to enter into heaven but you have not been bad enough to go straight to hell. You are given a choice. There are two doors. One will lead you to heave and the other will lead you to hell. There are also two computers in the center of the room. One computer will always answer truthfully and the other will always lie. You are allowed to asked only one question (the same question) to each computer to figure out which door to go through. Your decision is final. Once you open the door, where ever it leads, that is where you will go. What question do you ask? I will post the correct answer in 3 hrs. Good Luck to everyone.

2007-10-20 16:31:32 · 19 answers · asked by ChaRiaLer 4

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
You think thats true??

2007-10-20 16:30:22 · 12 answers · asked by spick&span 4

I got this from http://www.mindchallenger.com There are so many puzzles and brain teasers there. So far, only one person this week has gotten this right. Try to solve before looking at the site for the answer.

The letters of the alphabet have been split into two groups, in which group would you put the letter Z?
1. AEFHIJLPRSUVW
2. BCDGKMNOQTXY

2007-10-20 16:21:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do u count dog and human years?like 1 human year is how many years or month in dog years.

2007-10-20 14:55:17 · 5 answers · asked by . 2

2007-10-20 14:42:21 · 28 answers · asked by IamBatman 4

This is a joke my grandad just told



there is a boy who cam to schools and he always had alot of bruises and welts on him so one day the teacher took him to the school counselor and asked him "if you were takin away which parent would you most like to stay with? your mom?"

the boy said no cause his mom beats him.

"your dad?"

once again he said no cause his dad beats him too

"Well who do you want to stay with?"

"The Miami Dolphins"

"Why?"

"They can't beat anybody"

2007-10-20 13:42:08 · 10 answers · asked by Bubba S 1