Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

2007-10-21 14:15:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did brittney's right leg say to her left leg:
nothin cause they never met lol i crack myself up!!!

2007-10-21 14:10:25 · 9 answers · asked by momma 4

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

2007-10-21 14:00:08 · 2 answers · asked by ? 4

During college I worked at a major retailer whose name rhymes with "Paycee Jenny's." I worked in the women's plus-size department; and that area brought quite a bit of stress. I was not a plus size and I was in my early twenties (but looked like a seventeen-year-old) -- and both of those factors convinced my customers that I did not know the merchandise nor did I know what I was talking about. I also had several other associates in the area who were not the best. The one involved in this story was older -- in her sixties, I think -- and she did whatever she could to be rude and belittle me in front of customers. I normally dealt with this by avoiding her and ignoring her. (She was like this to a lot of the employees, so I wasn't singled out, which made it easier.)

One Saturday, the store was crowded (and grossly understaffed, as usual) with our typical motley crew: white trash, bored and snotty suburban housewives, ghetto denizens, and others. The store was hot and I was at the register ringing people up as fast as I could, but there was still a long line of rude people pissed because they had to wait. (Hey, if you don't want to wait in line, don't ******* shop at a mall on a Saturday afternoon!)

My register counter was open on my side and attached to a pillar, on which was a hook where we hung clothes that required a hanging bag. The register itself was on the far right side, snuggled against the pillar. My co-worker -- let's call her "Pissy" -- was bagging items and repeatedly telling me that I was screwing up my ringing. I wasn't. The customers were even more unpleasant, thinking that I was overcharging them.

A woman came up behind me and sat on a chair next to the register. It was a standard metal chair that had been placed there earlier in the morning to stack boxes on while unloading merchandise. I asked her (politely) to please move, as she was next to the register and blocking the hook on which I needed to put clothes. She refused -- her feet were tired, she said. I asked again. Not only did she refuse, she said something snotty to her friend in Spanish. I really could have called security, but I had too much else going on.

The next customer was very rude as well. Pissy was being, well, you know. I had this other wretch on a chair, right where my register was, disrespecting me. And I had about a hundred people interrupt me with stupid questions. The stress and turmoil were really starting to affect me.

Flashback: I love chocolate milk. I really do. I used to have a milk allergy, which then evolved into lactose intolerance. Which means certain that while kinds of dairy are okay, chocolate milk is not. My dad had purchased a big glass bottle of it, and before I came into work that afternoon, I had a very small glass -- about four ounces, if that.

Flash forward to me in anger and stress behind the counter. Deep in my intestines, my chocolate milk was ready to fight for me -- perhaps as a conciliatory gesture to make up for all my love it was unable to return. As the rudeness and disrespect escalated, the churning in my tummy became more intense. There was a lactose fist at the door, and it was chanting to me, "I think you hear me knocking, and I think I'm coming out, and I'm bringing the big, bad SBD with me!"

The big, bad is SBD is the lethal concoction which is really about my only kind of fart. No rattlers for me! The stench is worse than **** sometimes; and while I try to keep it in, it was about to be used as a tool to fashion revenge.

I let a small one go. It really did stink, smelling just like a pebble of poo might. I let another go. And then another.

And they began to make a difference.

The stink ripped through the air and covered the nasal passages. I moved around to spread the wealth. I backed up and farted on the ***** in the chair while bending over to get a bag. She replaced her smirk with a fanning of her nose with her hand, a disgusted look, and a giggle. And then she left. I bent over to pick up something off the floor and let one fly in Pissy's face. "Do you have gas?" she asked.

"No, I don't," I said innocently, with wide eyes. "Do you smell something?" The customer at the counter crinkled her nose in disgust. Meanwhile, the green fumes from my *** had, no doubt, formed a Jolly Roger; he was cackling maniacally with me.

I was perpetually in motion -- farting on Pissy, farting on anyone behind me, just farting in general. My *** had become a fine-tuned weapon, exacting justice on those who had wronged me.

After a few minutes, my colon declared a ceasefire, and some semblance of peace was restored to the fart-riddled battlefield. I triumphantly walked to the employees' bathroom for a well-deserved ****, with a spring in my step and a song in my heart. Pissy's shift was over. Another associate arrived. The crowds slowed as the evening wore on. I spent the rest of my shift folding sweaters and cleaning out fitting rooms. After the store had closed, I had to hurry home -- I had a hot date with chocolate milk.

2007-10-21 13:56:56 · 11 answers · asked by Komedian 4

Letters Of Recommendation
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

2007-10-21 13:53:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Something to cheer me up and make me smile.. There are 10 points in it for the best joke!

2007-10-21 13:53:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

*You don't sweat, you percolate

2007-10-21 13:51:19 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

Bush Presidential Library Destroyed By Flood
Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the
personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in
the presidential bathroom where both books were kept. Both his
books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president
was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

2007-10-21 13:49:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Good Napkins
THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)....

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...

Now, fast forward a few months...It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth and be careful who you ask to set the table for you!

Pass this on to girlfriends who need a good laugh.

2007-10-21 13:34:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

hahaha u r skinny
Oh and that one over there is like sooo fat, the chair she was sitting has broken into pieces.

hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

2007-10-21 13:33:21 · 10 answers · asked by teeth 4

This guy dies and goes to hell the devil asks him "how would you like to spend your eternity here", the guy says "what are my options", The devil says "here ill show you",so he takes him by a room with bodies being burned terribly, than he goes by another room theres a bunch of demons poking this guy with pit forks, they go by another room there a smelly truck driver at a bar drinking beer with a beautiful blonde giving him head, the guy says "yes this one I pick this one" the devil says "are you sure its for an eternity" . The guys says "im positive" so the devil walks over and tells the girl "you can go now ive found you a replacement".

2007-10-21 13:32:56 · 15 answers · asked by Change 2

Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

7. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."

10. "The coffee machine is broke...."

11. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"

14. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

2007-10-21 13:27:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Iraq War
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

2007-10-21 13:19:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

he at down in front of his granddad and said grandad kick it his grandad said not to br so rude as we were talking but the blessed child kept on to him in the end my mate why do you want me to that for, when the little darling replied daddy said we're all going to disneyland florida after you kick the bucket.

2007-10-21 13:16:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Everyday they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. Afterall, she never called or came back, so how was she to know? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY!!!" she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!!!"

2007-10-21 12:45:57 · 13 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-10-21 12:33:49 · 11 answers · asked by Big Boss the Philosopher 6

she fell out of the tree.
you can call me corny,lol

2007-10-21 12:30:48 · 26 answers · asked by ? 4

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

2007-10-21 12:28:11 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?

A: Moo-dy

2007-10-21 12:18:37 · 3 answers · asked by ? 4

Scaredy Cat

Two second-graders are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy cat. The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

2007-10-21 12:08:58 · 39 answers · asked by dozyllama 6

than woman.Why do you think we're obsessed with it?"That does'nt prove anything",says the woman."Think about this-when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it about,what feels better,your ear or the finger"?
****************
A woman is standing in her front garden talking to her friend when she notices her hubby coming home carring a bunch of flowers.Her friend says,"Isn't that nice,he's bringing you a bouquet!"The woman replies,"Yeah,great.That means another weekend flat on my back with my feet up in the air!"The friend says,"What's the matter?Don't you have a vase?"
*****************
A young couple get between the sheets for the first time.In a flash it's over.The boys says,"If I'd known you were a virgin I'd have taken more time."His girlfriend replies."If I'd known ypu were going to take more time I'd have taken off my tights".

There My duckies enjoy and star if you want but please no nasties ok?
Love yea all.xxxxxxxx

2007-10-21 11:52:53 · 16 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

2007-10-21 11:47:00 · 12 answers · asked by NfBBY♥ 3

Jesus just got himself crusified on top of mount Olives and the crowd surround the spot.
He calls for his first follower, Peter.
From the crowd came Peters voice, I'm here my Lord, I'm here !
Peter try to pass the guards but they beat him black and blue and when he tries again, a sword slach one of his legs off.
Jesus called again, Peter where are you, come here Peter !
Losing blood, Peter hops toward the cross to his master but a guard came from behind and shops his other leg off.
Peter, none the less crawl toward the cross and throw himself at the foot of it nearly dying.
I'm here my Lord, what can I do for you ? ask Peter.
Jesus looks at him and said, Peter my friend, I can see your house from up here !

2007-10-21 11:45:20 · 9 answers · asked by Trucky 5

The're both out walking and they come accross a roadside grave, Paddy says "would you look at this theres a man here that lived till he was 181"
"jesus"said murphy "what was his name?"
Paddy replied" Miles from london"

2007-10-21 11:40:29 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

must be prepared to travel long distances at VERY short notice

2007-10-21 11:32:15 · 15 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in London , where a woman
> >may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
> >description of how the store operates:
> >
> > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
> >of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
> >may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
> >next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a
> >woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
> >sign on the door reads:
> >
> > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the
> >second floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks,
> >'but I want more.'
> >
> > So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
> >Looking.
> >
> > 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
> >fourth floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
> >Help With Housework.
> >
> > 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> >
> > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
> >with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to
> >stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
> >this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
> >please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
> >
> > PLEASE NOTE:
> >
> > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
> >just across the street.
> >
> > The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> > The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
> >
> > The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
>

2007-10-21 11:31:58 · 32 answers · asked by gasgas 3

He is now being sued by the RSPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

2007-10-21 11:12:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This man was bragging about this puzzle he finished in one month. The man's brother came up and said,
Brother: Dude, it took you one month to finish that easy puzzle?
Man:Yes, that was considered fast!
Brother: You are so dumb...
Man:No, I did it faster than the box said I would finish.
Brother: Yeah? Well what did the box say?
Man:Well I looked at the title of the puzzle, looked at the back, and somewhere in the back, it said,

THREE YEARS AND UP.

2007-10-21 11:08:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

My mate is selling Welsh dvd's do you want any?
there's
9 and a half leeks
Trefforest Gump
The lost boyos
Dai Hard
Sheepless in Seattle
The magic Rhonddabout
Independance Dai
and of course the classic.....
The sheepshag redemtion

2007-10-21 11:07:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day I was painting a gate and had to clean my paint brush in some gas and my cat came up and took a drink of it.Its hair fluffed up and it made two circles around the yard and fell over.I bet you wondering if it croaked..

2007-10-21 11:02:36 · 4 answers · asked by Karebear 3