Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

The British railways

2007-10-22 03:54:42 · 6 answers · asked by Stephen M 6

2007-10-22 03:36:53 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop’s expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

2007-10-22 03:15:12 · 12 answers · asked by Jim 7

A freind of mine asked me to play a Yes/No detective game to with them. They refuse to give me the anwswer and I do not see them till tommorow. I would appricate a(n) soultion to this riddle.

Scenerio: A man lays dead on a bed after commiting suicide next to the bed was a small wooden pole and a pile of wood shavings. Then a man that was his buisness enemy/ rival smiles and walks away. Now that the first guy is dead the rival is now number one in his buisness.
what happend, and why did he kill himself?

2007-10-22 03:06:58 · 2 answers · asked by RWAR. 4

A woman kissed her husband good-bye, walked out their apartment door, locked it behind her, pressed the elevator button, and immediatly realized that her husband had died.
What Happened?

2007-10-22 03:04:15 · 5 answers · asked by EN 2

2007-10-22 02:38:07 · 15 answers · asked by yagshemash! 1

was gathered up,then he saw an envelope,propped up prominently on the bed side table addressed "Dad". with the worst premonition,he opened and read the letter with trembling hands.
"Dear Dad.It is with great regret and sorrow that i'm writting you.I had to elope with my new girlfriend,because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom.I've been finding real passion with stacey,and she is so nice ,but Iknew you would not approve of her,because of all her piercings,tatoos,tight motorcycle clothes,and because she is much older than I am but its not only the passion,she's pregnant.Stacey said that we will be very happy.She ownes a trailer in the woods,and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.We share the dream of having many more kids.Stacey has opened my eyes to the fact narijuana dont really hurtanyone.We'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with the other folk in the commune for all the cacaine we want.In the meantime,we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

2007-10-22 02:35:12 · 31 answers · asked by richy 3

what is taller sitting than standing?

this one rhymes -

Ever running on my race
never staying in one place
around the world I make my tour
everywhere at the same hour
If you wish to spell my name
backward and forward its the same

2007-10-22 02:21:49 · 12 answers · asked by I am the Wisdom Cube 2

& Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

& Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

& Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& Law of Coffee

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Rugs/Carpets

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are.

& Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson 's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

& Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

2007-10-22 01:59:14 · 5 answers · asked by Schumi 5

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.. and for some
reason, that's ok.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling
our butts while yelling "WOO-HOO" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's *** and
honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like
a homeless hooker than the goddess we started out as just 4 hours ago.
5. We drop our 3am submarine sandwich/pizza slice/poutine on the
floor, pick it up and continue eating it like its >>nobody's
business.
6.We start crying and declare to everyone we see, including
people we barely know, that we love them SOOOO MUCH. hah this def sounds familiar!!lol
7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new
song comes on because "OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. We're suddenly full of profound spiritual wisdom... and so is
the geek next to
us.
9. We don't see anything wrong with making out with
profs/co-workers/boss or ahem alot of our fellow college boys should they be around
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, get up on the table or bar and start to sing or dance becomes strangely
overwhelming to us.
11. Our eyes just won't seem to stay open by themselves, so we keep them half closed and think it looks incredibly sexy.
12. We've suddenly taken up smoking and we believe we're really good at it
13. We yell at the bartender who we believe has cheated us by
giving us just orange juice, but that's just because we can no longer taste the vodka.
14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like
the floor.. or like the mop.
15. We start every conversation with a slurred "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down before we sit on it.
17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. We are tired, but we are troopers so instead of going >>home,
we just sit on the floor wherever we are standing and take a
quick nap.
19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly jeans to cut down on the time we're in the bathroom away from our drink.
20. We take our shoes off because a) they're ridiculously
impractical.. but soo beautiful! b) We believe it's the shoes'
fault that we can't walk straight.
21. We feel oddly comfortable sitting on the toilet peeing while having a full blown conversation with each other.
22. No matter what got broken, thrown up on, stolen, no matter
who said what or who went home with whoever else - we ALWAYS call
each other the next day.

2007-10-22 01:59:07 · 25 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months off and three good leads

2007-10-22 01:56:38 · 23 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

2007-10-22 01:55:23 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

2007-10-22 01:54:47 · 11 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

now was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted."Mum,i want a bike for my bday."Little barry was a bit of a troublemaker at school and at home.Barry's mother aske him if he thought he deserved to fet a bike for his bday.Little Barry ,"of course" he though he did.Barry's mother being a Christian woman wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last yr and write a letter to god an tell him why he deserved a bike.Barry stormed up the stairsto his room to write his letter.
Letter 1
Dear God.
Ihave been a very goo boy this yearand would like a red bike for my bday.
your friend Barry.
Barry new this was a lie so he tore up his letter and started again.
LETTER 2
Dear God
this is your friend Barry and i have been pretty good can i have a red buke for my bday.
thanks Barry.
barry knew he could'nt send this also so he ran downstairs and told his mum he wanted to go to church.When in the church he walked up to the alter and put a statue of the virgin mary under his shirt.and

2007-10-22 01:51:54 · 20 answers · asked by richy 3

This is going to make you so MAD!
There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. Everyone knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. Everyone uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.

What is it?

2007-10-22 01:44:00 · 32 answers · asked by ntwana 2

> At the doctor's office they always ask why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

>

> An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked
me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Reception ist replied;
"You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or something a nd dis cussed
the problem further with Doctor in private." The man replied, "You
shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could
embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "
There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded aprovingly
and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your
ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting
room erupted in laughter.

2007-10-22 01:26:03 · 12 answers · asked by police 6

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. On his way he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

2007-10-22 00:44:05 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America

2007-10-22 00:05:57 · 13 answers · asked by zakk 3

1.ne Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

2007-10-22 00:02:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

standing at the kerbside
"Excuse me your holliness" says the driver "would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well to tell you the truth" says the pope" they never let me drive at the vatican when i was a cardinal and i'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry i cannot do that I would lose my job! what if something was to happen?" protests the driver wishing he had never gone to work that morning."Whose going to tell" says the pope with a smile. Reluctantley the driver gets in the back while the pope gets behind the wheel.The driver quickly regrets his decision when exciting the airport the pope floors the car to 200kmh an hour."Please slow down ur holliness" squeals the driver but the pope keeps going until he hears the sirens.The pope pulls over an rolls down his window as the cop nears.The cop takes one look and goes back to his car and demands to speak wit the chief.The cop tell the chief that he pulled a lime doing 200kmh."well bust him then"replies the chief.

2007-10-21 23:56:58 · 18 answers · asked by richy 3

2007-10-21 23:53:51 · 4 answers · asked by *Fletch* 5

whats worst than letting micheal jackson babysit your kids?
letting the mccanns take them on holiday

2007-10-21 23:40:06 · 16 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?''

2007-10-21 23:36:34 · 14 answers · asked by zakk 3

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.

One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".

Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).

Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."

Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." "That should be more than enough!"

Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"

Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"

2007-10-21 23:32:59 · 23 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, ''What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!''
The guy answers, ''My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.''
''Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here.''

2007-10-21 23:30:28 · 16 answers · asked by Sparky 5

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny
early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD H0LE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished.

2007-10-21 23:27:39 · 15 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Calculator ready............ try:-

1 x 8 +1
12 x 8 + 2
123 x 8 + 3
1234 x 8 + 4
12345 x 8 + 5
123456 x 8 + 6
1234567 x 8 + 7
12345678 x 8 + 8
123456789 x 8 + 9

(Keeps the kids quiet. If you want more, let me know)

2007-10-21 23:15:44 · 12 answers · asked by Bunts 6

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

2007-10-21 23:14:40 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A wife turns round to her husband and asks, "what is reincarnation?" The husband thought about it for a while and started to explain "When you die and providing you have been good then you can assume a new life and come back to Earth and live again, if you are still good then you can come back again" The wife replied, "that's nice - I would like to come back as a pig". "Oh dear" said the husband. "You're not listening to me”!!!!.

2007-10-21 23:13:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bearing in mind this is the joke section , i just told a joke that wasnt rude or anything and i have been reported , heres the joke.
Alcohol killed my wife.......i came home p*ssed and shot her.

Ok its not the best joke in the world but it is a JOKE , my god some people actually think this has happened.
If i had killed her i wouldnt put it on here now would i!!!!!
For gods sake some people really need to get a life, and if you have no sense of humour dont come on the joke section!
Sorry for moaning but i cant believe how sad some people are.

2007-10-21 23:13:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous