Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Top ten reasons to tell if you were caught sleeping.

10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time.
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercies to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
3. The coffee machine is broken.
2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot.
1. Amen.

2007-10-21 23:11:35 · 13 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

2007-10-21 23:10:08 · 15 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

2007-10-21 23:08:38 · 14 answers · asked by Sparky 5

While my friend was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

2007-10-21 23:06:00 · 25 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

2007-10-21 23:03:06 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A priest was in his room and realised that his rooster was missing. He decided 2 bring it up in Sunday Mass.
Right before the ceremony the priest asked, "Who has a c0ck?" all the men in the room stood up.
The priest said "NO,No,NO. Who has seen a c0ck?" all the woman in the room stood up.
The priest said "NO,NO,NO. Who has seen my c0ck?". All of the nuns stood up.

2007-10-21 22:59:37 · 15 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry.

One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffel Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper.

His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his Aunty, "Aunty, why did you come here?"

His Aunty answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower."

The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But Aunty, the Eiffel Tower is closed."

Aunty replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one."

The boy answered politely, "Aunty, then I will have to call my dad."

2007-10-21 22:46:19 · 16 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A prostitute gets knocked down by a car and lays in the road shouting "I'm blind, I'm blind, I've gone blind". A man pushes his way through the crowd of onlookers and says "Let me through, I'm a doctor". The prostitute shouts out "I'm blind - I cannot see a thing". "It's OK , I'm a doctor" says the man. "Now how many fingers have I got up". " Oh no" the prostitute screamed "I've been paralysed as well"

2007-10-21 22:42:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

people were arriving at the top and getting tossed off

2007-10-21 22:29:34 · 13 answers · asked by majoti 5

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang.'"

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this ... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.

More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The enemy keeps coming.

2007-10-21 22:22:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

2007-10-21 21:23:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

2007-10-21 21:17:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

2007-10-21 20:46:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

2007-10-21 20:31:31 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Toes Go In First

2007-10-21 18:59:20 · 11 answers · asked by loreupnorth 6

My friend is so good at solving riddles. I need a good one to stump her. Any suggestions?

2007-10-21 18:49:10 · 9 answers · asked by pinacoladasundae 3

2007-10-21 18:20:00 · 8 answers · asked by cindy s 1

put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool

2007-10-21 18:07:34 · 6 answers · asked by Kathryn 2

2007-10-21 17:41:11 · 16 answers · asked by Naruto 6

my mom's boyfried has big ears, and he pomised me money if i could come up with one he hadn't heard. so i wanna no what are the best one, or ones yall have heard about big ears.

2007-10-21 17:33:00 · 11 answers · asked by that dude 3

tick tick tick

2007-10-21 17:31:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If 10 men can lift one ton, how many men can lift two tons?

Its not 20 or 5, I can't figure it out...

2007-10-21 17:07:34 · 4 answers · asked by SRT8Challenger 1

The top part answers it all!

2007-10-21 16:45:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think He does. After all, we were created in His image, and most of us have a sense of humor.

For example, when I think of the faces we make when we are in the climatic part of sex, I think God and the Angels must have been really laughing when they gave us this trait.

Any other examples, or comments?

2007-10-21 16:43:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

My freind & his wife were sitting in their front room one night
with the next door neighbours playing cards.
When all of a sudden his dog came in from the garden
& went under the table,
when he bent down to look what the dog was doing
he noticed it had next doors rabbit in his mouth.
So he made excuses that he was tired & this meant that
the neighbours packed up & went home
his wife when hearing what had happened grabbed
the dog & took the rabbit from its mouth, by now the rabbit was dead & covered in mud from the garden,
the husband washed & then dryed the rabbit with a hairdryer
he waited until the early hours of the morning & climbed over his fence to put the rabbit back.
The next day his wife was in the garden hanging out some washing when the neighbour appeared on the otherside of the fence, she looked white, so the wife asked her are you ok?
No she replied yesterday our rabbit died we buried him & when we got up this morning he was back in the fcuking hutch.

2007-10-21 15:14:58 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

what fruit can you find on any coin?

2007-10-21 14:41:54 · 11 answers · asked by baby g 2

Business Signs
~Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
~In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
~On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
~On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
~At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
~On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
~On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
~In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
~On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
~On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
~At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
~On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
~At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
~Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

2007-10-21 14:32:32 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Math Trick Phone Number
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I
would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running
the country.

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your
head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area
code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??????

2007-10-21 14:26:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things Not To Say To A Police Officer
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
That uniform makes your butt look really big.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
I pay your salary!
Gee, thanks officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

2007-10-21 14:22:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

2007-10-21 14:20:27 · 12 answers · asked by paddlepop 3