Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!

I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...


Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

2007-10-22 09:18:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

2007-10-22 09:16:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy

Q: What do you call an Amish farmer with his arm halfway up his horses @ss?
A: A mechanic

Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree.

Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: Why does Santa have such a big sack?
A: Cos he only comes once a year.

Q: How do you define a "tough girl"
A: She kickstarts her own vibrator, or she rolls her own tampons


Q: What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A: A system that won't go down.

2007-10-22 09:15:18 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I
had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand
new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and
wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the
first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my
mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven
years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was
a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars last night, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica this morning. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.


I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.

2007-10-22 08:52:45 · 18 answers · asked by Indian Princess 3

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey

Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it... but they can't eat it

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

2007-10-22 08:51:17 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

2007-10-22 08:39:19 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

2007-10-22 08:07:21 · 6 answers · asked by amandab 2

Like the way you think

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

2007-10-22 07:56:40 · 9 answers · asked by finn 3

A young bride-to-be was preparing for her wedding, and though naive, she knew what her new husband would just love on their wedding night. So she asked her mother to buy her a long, black, sexy negligee, and to fold it carefully so it wouldn't wrinkle, and place it in Her suitcase.

The mother forgot until the last minute. She dashed out to find one, but could only find a short, pink nighty; so she bought it, rushed back, and threw in in the suitcase.

That night the groom carried his bride into their suite, and being self-conscious, he asked her to change in the bathroom; and not to peek until he got ready and into bed.

The bride opened her suitcase, and saw what her mother had done!

"Oh, no!", she cried. " It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Her new husband screamed, "I told you not to look!"

(DON'T FORGET TO RATE!!! THANKS!!)

2007-10-22 07:50:44 · 12 answers · asked by ♪♥ ginger spice ♥♪ 3

It was a rainy afternoon and Billy wanted to go out and play, but his mother said, "NO Billy it's pouring out!"

An hour later Billy comes back and asks, "Mommy it's not raining anymore, may I go out now?"

His Mom looks out the window and says, "I guess so."

So little Billy runs into the kitchen and grabs a bag of M+M's of the counter and goes outside, He sits down on the curb, takes an M+M throws it up in the air catches it in his mouth, bites his cat, Mittens and moves over on the curb.

Billy's mom looks out the window and see's this going on and she just ignores it. Ten minutes later Billy takes an M+M throws it up in the air catches it in his mouth bites his cat and moves down the curb more.

So hi mom seeing this going on again goes outside and says "Billy what on earth are you doing?"

Billy says "just playing Trucker! Popping pills, eating p ussy, and moving on down the road"

2007-10-22 07:46:08 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Star if funny, please!

A 1st grade class was learning about taste buds, so their teacher decided to have an experiment to see if the class could figure out what flavour different kinds of Life Savors were.
She passed out a red LS and immediately the class said, "Cherry!" They were right
She passed out a green LS and soon after the class said, "Lime!" They were right.
The teacher replied with, "Wow! You guys are smart, but I bet you will have trouble with this next one." She passes out a clearish-yellowish LS. This time she was right, the class had trouble with it. So, she tells them, "I'll give you guys a hint... it is what your parents call each other."
Immediately, Little Jimmy yells out, "NOOOO! DON'T EAT IT! IT'S AN A**HOLE!!!"

The flavour was honey.

2007-10-22 07:42:05 · 7 answers · asked by lucy 2

A man is out fishing and realizes he was supposed to be home an hour ago. He jumps in his car and speeds away, checking his watch as he zooms over a small bridge. After crossing the bridge, he looks in his rear view mirror, only to see flashing blue and red lights. Swearing to himself, he pulls to the side of the road.

The state trooper gets out of his car, walks up to the man's window and says, "I caught you on radar doing forty-five at the end of that bridge. The speed limit is thirty-five. Can I see your license?"

As the man hands his license to the trooper, he says, "Can't you give me a warning? I was late for work."

The trooper takes that license, starts to writes the ticket and says, "Sorry, the law is the law. What do you do for a living?

"I'm a rectum stretcher," the man replies.

"A WHAT??" the cop asks incredulously.

"A rectum stretcher," the man replies. "I go to people's houses when they need to be stretched. I start with one finger, then go to two, then three and four. then a whole hand. Then two hands. Then I pull my hands apart until it is a full six feet across."

The cop, whose jaw has dropped in amazement, peers over his sunglasses and asks, "What are you supposed to do with a six foot asshole?"

"Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."

2007-10-22 07:41:21 · 24 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-10-22 07:34:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river. Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be sh@gging one of those again! It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is! Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

2007-10-22 07:30:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

2007-10-22 07:14:24 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your *** with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his *** with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.
-----------
CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

2007-10-22 07:06:41 · 8 answers · asked by ♪♥ ginger spice ♥♪ 3

Anyone remember Calamity Jane?She was a regular of polls&surveys and was the QUEEN of Jokes&riddles. She was the epitome of funny, always kind and caring and loved everyone....she was an all round great person with a heart of Gold. You would wonder what kind of sicko would want to hurt such a nice person but there are some of them on here.

THE TROLLS, they made her miserable. They kept sending her hate mail, reporting her and all sorts of assault was sent her way but she always bounced back. Shes been forced off of here several times but she always came back, she was a fighter with iron will. But they've got her at last. Those lowlife trolls got her this time and she ain't comin back. She was brave, but she was only human, she could only take so much.

I and all of her friends really miss her, it just not the same without her. We want to avenge her. We want to get rid those good for nothin' trolls. WE WANT TO KILL THEM!!!

2007-10-22 06:22:01 · 12 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

2007-10-22 06:16:56 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Jaanu, etc.

The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

2007-10-22 06:12:01 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

2007-10-22 06:11:07 · 8 answers · asked by edewfede 5

2007-10-22 06:07:04 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2007-10-22 06:06:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

2007-10-22 06:00:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

2007-10-22 05:57:02 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

2007-10-22 05:54:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

2007-10-22 05:45:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."

The man says, "Ok!"

They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright.

Sure enough, the light changes and THEY'RE OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.

Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."

"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops.

The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"

2007-10-22 05:41:24 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

2007-10-22 05:38:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he
saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, one that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

2007-10-22 04:52:37 · 11 answers · asked by Rainman 4

There is a bar on top of a 30 story building. A man says to his mate "I bet i could jump out of the window and the wind will push me back in." His mate says "God ur drunk already you couldn't it is not even windy" The first man Go's "watch and learn" Jumps out and come's flying back in. His friend decides to try for himselfe. So he jumps out and falls to his death. The bartender comes other and says "superman you can be a D**khead sometimes

2007-10-22 04:19:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous