Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

2007-10-22 12:45:27 · 3 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-10-22 12:44:14 · 10 answers · asked by Bubba S 1

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John & I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I."

"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios……."

2007-10-22 11:57:15 · 14 answers · asked by Dana 2

WHAT WIEGHS MORE 200 pounds of rocks OR 200 pounds of feathers?

2007-10-22 11:52:16 · 14 answers · asked by ? 4

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

2007-10-22 11:29:51 · 14 answers · asked by Teejay 6

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.
The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"

The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."

The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.

The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"

The Boulderite replied, "I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!"

2007-10-22 11:15:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and *** Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

2007-10-22 11:11:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way... Who yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11. It takes the prize and ..3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these dim wits.

2007-10-22 11:06:52 · 4 answers · asked by ღKrissyღ 5

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new

2007-10-22 10:59:34 · 18 answers · asked by Dana 2

a black man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder,the barman says where did you get him and the parrot says africa theres millions of them

2007-10-22 10:54:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring............ "You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

2007-10-22 10:46:30 · 25 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

i highly reccomend this....=D

Paint your windows.
Boil ice cream.
Join Hell's Angels by mail.
Redecorate your garage.
Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
Bury your fathers car. Tell your him the dog did it.
Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
Climb a sidewalk.
Donate your brother's body to science.
Have your cat bronzed.
Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
Learn to type...with your toes.
Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
Mow your carpet.
Paint your home...day-glo orange.
Pinstripe your driveway.
Plant a shoe.
Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
Ride a loaf of bread.
See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
Speak in acronyms.
Take apart all your major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts.

2007-10-22 10:37:54 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise.
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh ****! My glass eye!"
Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"

2007-10-22 10:34:05 · 10 answers · asked by ? 6

It's called SUFFERDENT w/holy grip.Buns like hell when you curse.Real popular among Catholics...

2007-10-22 10:27:15 · 4 answers · asked by Rick 4

small tanned person required
good rates of pay
must be flexible and willling to travel

JOB TITLE.......MUD FLAP

2007-10-22 10:09:15 · 12 answers · asked by little devil 4

Men Are Like...
~newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
~computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
~power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
~remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
~shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
~vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
~road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
~soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
~pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
~old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
~plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
~department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
~placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
~mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

2007-10-22 09:58:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 Do chickens yawn when they are tired or bored?
2. Do chickens get hen-pecked?
3 Does a married chicken farmer get hen pecked?
4 A hen with a sense of humor that lays an egg, will it hatch a cornish hen?
5. A hen that lays a cracked egg and after it is hatched, will it be a cukoo bird?
6. Roosters that are too old to cackle at the sunrise, do they use alarm clocks or pose for weather vanes?
7. When you see eggs in a container that reads from cage-free hens, does it mean the hens were not incarcinated?

Have fun

2007-10-22 09:57:22 · 1 answers · asked by Yafooey! 5

artrifical intellegence.

Another blonde joke
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

As everyone is asking for stars if you find this funny give me a star please. oh yh and if its really lame im sorry

2007-10-22 09:53:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also.
Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."

2007-10-22 09:53:29 · 27 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Answer: It's the soul of a bean that wants to go to heaven!

What do you think of this joke? I got it in the Spanish version of Y!A and I was curious to see how it would play in English.

2007-10-22 09:49:33 · 8 answers · asked by tangerine 7

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Universityof Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb...

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
>A rumor

Why do little boys whine?
>They are practicing to be men

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
>You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

2007-10-22 09:45:42 · 4 answers · asked by Tryin to Liv 3

Why do men become smarter during sex?
>
>Because they are plugged into a genuis!

Why don't women blink during sex?
>
> Because they don't have time!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to reach an egg?
>
> they don't stop and ask for directions

Why were men given bigger brains than dogs?
>
>So they won't hump women's legs at parties

Why did God make men before women?
>
>Because you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

How many men does it take to put a tolit seat down?
>
>Don' know it never happened

Why did jesus put men on the earth?
>
>Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!!

2007-10-22 09:42:05 · 8 answers · asked by Tryin to Liv 3

Mine is.
A man in a bar is offered a fiver to drink the contents of a spitoon. He picks it up and starts to swollow. The guy who offered the fiver tells him he's won but he goes on drinking. The guy starts upping the money to get him to stop.Eventually when he reaches £50 the drinker stops. The guy asks why he went on and is told ' I had to it was all in one lump'
Try telling that at tea time !

2007-10-22 09:42:03 · 7 answers · asked by Ned Pepper 2

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the misses that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, considering my drunken state, to have escaped a possible conflict.
The next morning, the misses asked me what time I got in, so I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!
She then said that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she explained, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times,said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice, then giggled.`

2007-10-22 09:38:06 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a sow-sow job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

2007-10-22 09:36:24 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

On the first day of creation God created the cat.
-On the second day God created man to serve the cat.
-On the third day God created all the animals of earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
-On the fourth day God created honest toil so man could labor for the good of the cat.
-On the fifth day God created the sparkle ball so the cat might or might not play with it.
-On the sixth day God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and man broke.
-On the seventh day God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

2007-10-22 09:35:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it.
The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

2007-10-22 09:33:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Most of the following laws are leftover statutes from hundreds of years ago which were simply never repealed. However one or two are still actively enforced. Can you guess which?

1. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

2. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

4. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

5. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

6. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

7. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

8. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only tropical fish stores.

9. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

10. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

2007-10-22 09:26:34 · 26 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

2007-10-22 09:25:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else."
The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, "Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.
"Yes, you, sir, in the first row," said the dietician. "Please give us your idea."
The man grinned and blurted, "Wedding cake!"

2007-10-22 09:24:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous