Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Two men are in a bar. One is obviously very very drunk. He turns to the man he is with and screams "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". Everyone in the bar turns and looks to see what's happening. The drunken man screams again, this time louder "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!". The man who's being yelled at, stands up grabs the guy's arms and says, "Go home dad...you're drunk"

2007-10-22 18:49:24 · 11 answers · asked by Naruto 6

I said,"No,this is my dog".He replied,"I am not asking you.I am asking the dog".
What do you think about this?

2007-10-22 18:42:41 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-22 18:30:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Beans, Beans good for your heart.
The more you eat the more you fart.
The more you fart the better you feel.
So eat them beans at every meal.

2007-10-22 18:13:33 · 28 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

who else died laughing when she fell. i know thats sooo mean and rude and disgustiong. but she goes from jumping around and screaming, to falling to the floor! and woman over 50 probably shouldnt be doing allll that work. i mean even the young celebs have a hard time. but i thought it was funny and wanted to know if anyone else did.

heres the clip:

http://perezhilton.com/?p=7490#respond

2007-10-22 18:08:48 · 7 answers · asked by will 2

"What the heII is wrong with you?"

2007-10-22 17:53:46 · 16 answers · asked by mao ying 3

how about you?

2007-10-22 17:36:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

WATT do elec engineers do?

Is it true that Elec engineers CONDUCT themselves well.

Why do elec engineers join the RESISTANCE?

Most Elec Engineers are SHOCKED to find out that tthey have the best CONTACTS

2007-10-22 17:35:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I say the chicken so it could be there for the egg. What's your opinion??

2007-10-22 17:19:44 · 15 answers · asked by CAgirlie 2

p.s. that is creepy my friend has a pic of her at da Stait Fair and there is an orbit [ a goast that is a small circle that apperears only when a pic. token. i so confused?

2007-10-22 17:18:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

#:1:
I start with the letter e, I end with the letter e. I contain only one letter, Yet I am not the letter e! What am I?

#2:I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?...FOR THE TRUE ANSWER JUST ASK ME! NO PROBLEM =P

2007-10-22 16:47:24 · 14 answers · asked by Q-Pac 1

How much wood could a woochuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

2007-10-22 16:36:58 · 7 answers · asked by jasonbatla 4

1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs?
.......... Drool.

2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
........... A full set of teeth.

3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
........... Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.......... Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
......... There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum?
.......... Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn fo otball player's life?
.......... His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.......... None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana . He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.......... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

2007-10-22 16:32:39 · 13 answers · asked by KatVic 4

2007-10-22 16:29:05 · 10 answers · asked by eden hawk 1

Two elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st Old man: "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a thirty year old!"



2nd Old man: "You're kidding!! I can't even manage once! What's your secret?"


1st Old man: "Well, my secret is to eat a lot of whole-wheat bread. I am not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the bread store.



Clerk: "May I help you?"


Old man: "I want five loaves of whole-wheat bread, please!"


Clerk: "Man, that's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!"


Old man: "Damn!! Does EVERYONE know about this, except me?!!"

2007-10-22 16:12:30 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to the gynecologist.
The Doctor comes in the room & is amazed at how attractive she is. He decides that she is blonde & won't know the difference so he will take advantage of her. So he asks her to undress.
He rubs her thigh & says, do you know what I am doing now?
She says yes you are checking for abrasions & bruises.
He then rubs her breasts & says do you know what I am doing now?
She says yes, you are checking for lumps and other signs of breast cancer.
He figures she's been through this before, this will be easy, he drops his pants & starts going at it.
He says do you know what I am doing now?
& She says.................













Yes. you are getting herpes.


Thanks for the star if you liked

2007-10-22 16:09:27 · 20 answers · asked by Will S 6

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar.. you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy
face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, D*ickhead? Drink your fu-king beer in your damn frozen mug and eat your mother-fu-king snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got that, a$$hole?"

2007-10-22 16:08:52 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

How does this work? Add up in your head the following numbers:1000, 40, 1000, 30, 1000, 20, 1000, 10. Do you come up with 5000 like I did? Now add them on a calculator or with a pencil. What do you get? See what I mean?

2007-10-22 16:05:30 · 16 answers · asked by Ladybug II 6

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"



Wife: "I clean the toilet bowl"



Husband: "How does that help?"



Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

2007-10-22 15:58:18 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful young woman is about to undergo a minor operation.

She's laid on a gurney by a lady in a white dress and taken to the corridor.

Before they enter the operating room she leaves her in the hallway to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body.

He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just here to paint the hallway."

2007-10-22 15:53:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," the cyclist replied.

"Get them off. We need to take a look."

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

2007-10-22 15:24:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Xtra large condoms?
A woman walks into a Chemist and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

2007-10-22 15:04:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-22 14:25:29 · 3 answers · asked by math magician 1

woman walks into a mercedes dealership and browses around..
she then spot's the sport's car of her dreams;
and walks over to inspect it,on bending down to feel the fine leather interior ,a small fart escapes her..
embarrassed she looks around to see if anyone has noticed..
a sale's rep turns to her... "good morning madam, how may i help you..??"
uncomfortable , she ask's.."can you please tell me the price of this lovely vehicle ??"
he answers... " i'm afraid to say madam.. if you farted just touching it,
you'll s**t yourself when you hear the price...!!!! "

2007-10-22 14:07:36 · 11 answers · asked by bubbles 2

says 'I have to confess love, this is the dog i've been sha**ing'

'you tw*t' she says 'that isnt a dog, thats a sheep'

man says 'i was talking to the sheep'

: )

2007-10-22 13:26:38 · 18 answers · asked by jonathan 3

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.


One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to
put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

2007-10-22 13:24:30 · 16 answers · asked by Angela G 4

2007-10-22 13:23:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three women
They lived in America





















One of the was named Red
Another was named White
What was the third womens name?








































































Givn Up?




















































































Keep Thinking.....


























































































































No, not Blue,




































































































her name was JUBASHEE!!!!

2007-10-22 13:10:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Apple Computers announced today that it has
developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast
implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough
because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

2007-10-22 13:01:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An englishman, irishman, scotsman, 2 nuns, a rabbi, a dwarf and a mexican walk into a bar.......



The barman looks up at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-22 12:54:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous