Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at a traffic light when I wasn't really paying attention.
When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...', So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

2007-10-21 10:44:38 · 16 answers · asked by Jens 5

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

2007-10-21 10:43:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

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The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
Okay, you don't have to laugh

2007-10-21 10:35:57 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

For already few days, Murphy and Paddy are drifting at sea in a life raft and been Irish and very thirsty, both dream of cool beer. Searching in the locker for whatever, Paddy come accross an old oil lamp. While cleaning it, to use it, a Genie pops out and said, "You can have one wish"
Paddy doesn't hesitate and ask, " Can you turn the sea around the boat into Beer" ?
As soon as asked, it is done and the Genie disapears in smoke.
Murphy looked at Paddy then hit him hard with his fist.
Paddy ask "Why did you do that for ? our wish is done, we got Beer to drink for ever"
Murphy answer " You bloody idiot, dont you realise that from now on we will have to piss in the boat" ?

2007-10-21 10:14:00 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow,Today was "Daddy's Day" at school, and she couldn't wait to go,But her mummy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home,Why the kids might not understand, if she went to skool alone


But she was not afraid, she knew just what to say, what to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.


But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all. Of a dad whos never there a dad who never calls.


One by one the teacher called a student from the class. To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, for a man who wasn't there...


"Where's her daddy" she heard a boy call out."She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard another father say, "Looks like another dad, too busy to waste his day." ...


The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mum. And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on. slowly she began to speak and from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique ..


"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy and how much he loves me so,He loved to tell me stories...


surprised me with pink roses , and taught me to fly kite.We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone. Cause my daddy's always with me,


I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart" With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears..


watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years. And when she dropped her hand back down, staring sraight into the croud She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star..


And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far. You see he was a fireman and died just this past year When airplanes hit the towers and taught us all how to fearBut sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."...


And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surpriseA room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them...


Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side "I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called outAnd what happened next made believers, of those once filled with..


doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose


I hoped you liked my poem i hope it brought a tear to your eye and i hope you will allways rember , all the people who died the 11 of september .

2007-10-21 09:38:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The following Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

2007-10-21 09:37:45 · 16 answers · asked by Fireʍɐʇǝɹ 5

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Do you wanna come back to mine and sit on my face?
SHE: Why? is your nose bigger than your willy?

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
SHE: Unfertilised.

HE: So, your place or mine?
SHE: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine

HE: I would go to the end of the world for you.
SHE: But would you stay there?

2007-10-21 09:34:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!

2007-10-21 09:19:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

2007-10-21 09:11:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with awalker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

2007-10-21 09:10:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night
Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not give me much of a fright ...
But there is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear
And that's to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.

2007-10-21 09:07:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

2007-10-21 08:56:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have 2 five-gallon containers, one filled with water and one with 3 gallons. How do you get 4 gallons without using anything other than the 2 containers you already have?

I can't figure the answer out... i just know that it's not "pour the 5 into the 3 until they are even at 4..."

2007-10-21 08:33:14 · 6 answers · asked by Kat 3

He said "He must have done something bad for you to swear that way. Did he say something provacative to you?"
"Worse than that " she said. "Did he do this?" asked the preist as he touched her thigh. "Oh, worse than that" was her reply.
"Did he do this?" he asked reaching up her skirt.
"Worse than that" she said flatly.
He just went ahead and 'had his way' with her in the booth, then asked "Did he do that, my child?"
"Worse" she said. "He gave me VD"
"THAT DIRTY S.O.B." exclaimed the preist!

2007-10-21 08:24:30 · 7 answers · asked by Rick G2 5

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day, he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But Dave asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. He seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" .................Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

2007-10-21 08:20:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-21 08:10:27 · 60 answers · asked by Master Chief 2

if u can read this to the end, then u really need to visit Yaba Psychiatric hospital because you're loco, like the goon that sent me this stuff.

please enjoy:

1. Sing the Simpsons theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip, "

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. don't use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

2007-10-21 07:38:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

2007-10-21 07:30:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

2007-10-21 07:07:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

2007-10-21 07:01:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American supply teacher came to a Canadian class one day. She told the
students that she was an American and she asked if anyone else in the room was
an American. Even though not many people in the room are, everyone had put up
their hand not to be left out except one girl. The teacher stared at the girl
and asked, "If you're not an American, then what are you?" The girl proudly
replied, "I'm a proud Canadian" The teacher asked, "Why are you a Canadian?" The
girl answered, "Because my parents are both Canadians." The teacher asked, "What
if both of your parents are stupid, then what will you be?" The girl smiled and
answered, "Then I will be an American!"

2007-10-21 06:53:27 · 26 answers · asked by Luck dragon 7

lol

2007-10-21 06:49:09 · 14 answers · asked by ♥BEX♥ 7

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

2007-10-21 06:48:24 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

peter is standing behind paul but at the same time paul is standing behind peter how is this possible ?

2007-10-21 06:45:50 · 5 answers · asked by I hate little green pigs 3

if you were snow white and you had to spend your life with one of the seven dwarfs which one would you chose

2007-10-21 06:33:03 · 20 answers · asked by haha_islaughing 2

2007-10-21 06:26:02 · 1 answers · asked by chelsea 2

2007-10-21 06:02:54 · 15 answers · asked by edward K. 2

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

2007-10-21 05:38:51 · 30 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
___________________________________________________
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

2007-10-21 05:37:16 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Doc, you've gotta help me. My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe ..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold ..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um ... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I ... need ... a man ..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me ... too ..."

2007-10-21 05:35:07 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6