Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Because the skeleton has no heart and soul.

2007-10-19 13:23:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89...

2007-10-19 12:50:18 · 25 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

2007-10-19 12:37:32 · 20 answers · asked by tastybits 7

one day in the garden of eden adam and eve were goin at it hot hard and heavy when they were done eve went down to the river to take a skinny dip and wash off, whe god shouted down "EVE! EVE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! NOW I'LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF THOSE FISH!!!"

2007-10-19 11:37:00 · 13 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."

"By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

2007-10-19 11:18:38 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on - This person must be fired.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.

Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it.
More funny Theodore Roosevelt quotes

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
More funny Anonymous quotes

I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.

The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

2007-10-19 11:11:26 · 9 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ***."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."

With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

2007-10-19 11:05:06 · 21 answers · asked by Freakin 6

i just cant seem to find a joke to make me laugh or even giggle tonight :o(

2007-10-19 11:03:13 · 10 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.

"I just can't find it," she said.

"What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.

Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."

2007-10-19 11:03:00 · 7 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Priest asks one of the church ushers if he could get female 13 going on 24 to move from where she sat each week. He directly head, "Because she been sitting in that same spot so long she feels she has a divine right." After pleading look came, "Her left one is also out of this world." Shortly, usher accidently spilled cold water on the wrong person.

2007-10-19 10:41:29 · 11 answers · asked by Mister2-15-2 7

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

2007-10-19 10:40:20 · 12 answers · asked by Starr 6

Harry Potter be my bad boy, be my man
be my wicked lover, be my friend, be my bad boy and understand, I don't need you in my life again..

2007-10-19 10:34:48 · 13 answers · asked by Moonbeam 2

The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

2007-10-19 10:26:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-19 10:20:25 · 14 answers · asked by twinkletwinkle 2

hehe my cousin is playing some racing game and 7 minutes in heaven by fall out boy is on!

haha i love it!!

2007-10-19 10:14:17 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck walks into a shop and asks the manager
"got any fresh freh fruit
no
got any fresh veg
no
we only have canned and dry goods
next day duck returns
got any fresh fruit
no
got any fresh veg
no
i told you yesterday we only have canned and dry goods
if you come back tomorrow and ask the same question i'll nail your feet to the floor
on the third day duck returns
got any nails
no
got any fresh fruit

2007-10-19 10:13:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-19 09:49:10 · 17 answers · asked by godbar 2

This man was getting married soon and their was one major problem... his future wife's sister. She was gorgeous!

So, one day th sister invited him over to help with last minute wedding details. It was going to be just the two of them.

After a few minutes of talking to the sister about the wedding, the sister said, "You are going to get married soon. But, if you could just have sex with me once, I will stay out of the way."

So the sister went upstairs and flung her shirt down the stairs. The man had a choice to make: the gorgeous sister or being loyal to his wife. He quickly dashed toward the door and headed for his car.

His whole family was outside! With tears in his eyes his father-in-law said, "Thank you. I now know you are right for my daughter. Thank you for being loyal."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always keep your condoms in the car

2007-10-19 09:30:44 · 16 answers · asked by ♫Melinda 4

Is it because it is strange and unfamiliar territory?

2007-10-19 08:37:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q.What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bulldozer.

Q.Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

Q.What do you get when you squeeze an olive?
Oliver Twist!

Q.Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens!

Q.What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
"Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

Q.What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?
Polly Unsaturated

Q.Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.

Q.What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

Q.When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.

Q.What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.

Q.When is a door not a door?
when its a jar

Q.What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.

if you call these lame you might hurt my feelings!!

2007-10-19 08:27:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

... but no atmosphere?

2007-10-19 08:18:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you give a sick budgie


tweetment




what did the toothbrush want to be when he grew up

a broom

2007-10-19 07:56:34 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

man walks into the bedroom with a goat under his arm while his wife is reading in bed... man says , this is the pig i have s, ex with when you have a headache........ wife says to hubby.. i think you,ll find thats a goat... hubby said . i was talking to the goat

2007-10-19 07:36:54 · 36 answers · asked by kaz 3

2007-10-19 06:48:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

mwahaha...

did i scare you!?!?!?...

i bet i did!!!...

no???....

are you just saying that to sound brave....

or are you suffering from a heart attact right about now?!!?!?!

sorry if you are, i know im a very scaring person!... er..... well...

mwahahahaha...

random!!

so yeah, still scared!?!?!?!

hahahahaha...

i wanna kno how many people i scraed, hahahaha....

hhahahaha

2007-10-19 06:44:47 · 14 answers · asked by kiss_of_death_x 3

There were 4000 soldiers who were fighting in Iraq...including the general
DAY 1: General sent all of them for mass attack in the morning.At night the soldiers returned but the general saw dat 2000 disappeared and only half returned...
DAY 2: he didn't cared and sent the whole the whole army left...again at night half disappeared and only 1000 returned.
DAY 3: he sent all of them including him.He noticed that again half disappeared from the field.He got scared, not knowing what was happening to his man.Afraid he call back all his soldier and send them in small groups of 250.He waited for the night to fall and dis time no one came.
he ws sleeping at night and heard his men screaming.
he opened the window and saw an alien spaceship beaming all his men aboard.He got scared and ran.An alien got down and pursued him. the general found 2 bicycle(1 red and1 blue). out of panic he chose the blue one and rushed and the alien caught him wid the red one..wats the moral in the story???

2007-10-19 04:18:05 · 25 answers · asked by KOMAL COBAIN 2

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter "Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she 's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt any anyone.

2007-10-19 04:00:09 · 14 answers · asked by Tea Lover 3

At dawn the telephone rings:
'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your dog died.
'My dog? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire'
'What the hell??.... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
'Yes Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!!!
'What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.'
SILENCE........ LONG SILENCE...............



'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!

2007-10-19 03:42:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde decided she needed to make some extra cash, so started knocking on the doors of her neighbours offering to do odd jobs around the house.

She came to the door of an old couple. Taken aback by her kindness, the old man said, "You can paint my porch for $50. The paint is in the garage."

"Of course," she replied and headed to the garage.

10 minutes later she knocked at the door and said, "Finished!!" triumphantly.

"Wow!" the old man said, "You're finished painting the entire porch already?"

"Yeah," the blonde grinned, "I even gave it two coats!"

The man smiled and handed her the $50.

"By the way," the blonde said as she turned to leave, "It's not a porch, it's a BMW!"

2007-10-19 03:00:08 · 23 answers · asked by stargirl_laura 3

the chicken or the egg? simple answers plz!

i get confused easily lol

2007-10-19 02:52:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous