Tell me aJoke?Who can tell the funniest?

Answer 1

1. Short Joke
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.


2. Long Joke
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.
But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Answer 2

Q) Which bee produces milk?

Ans. A boobee.



Here are a few marriage quotes I snapped up for you:

1) Till marriage, a man is incomplete. After that, he is finished.

2) A successful man is one who earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

3) If not for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all

4) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

5) A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.

6) A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

7) Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

8) It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

9) How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

10) This one's a bit long:

Mathematical equations for women:

Women demand time and money. So,
Women = Time * Money

"Time is Money". So,
Women = Money²

"Money is the root of all evil". So,
Women = (√Evil)²

"Square of the square root of anything is that thing". So,
Women = Evil

Answer 3

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight,
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

Answer 4

Cab driver

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Answer 5

duck walks into a shop asks the manager
any fresh fruit
no
any fresh veg
no
all we sell is dry and canned goods
next day duck walks into the store again
any fresh veg
no
any fresh fruit
no
i already told you yesterday all we sell is is dry and canned goods come back here tomorrow and ask that again and i will nail your feet to the floor
third day duck walks into store
any nails
no
any fresh fruit

Answer 6

In front of the firing squad, a man was asked for a last request. I'd like to sing a song. Okay- Go ahead. Three million and ten green bottles, hanging on a wall, three million...'

Answer 7

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their
wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place
her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to
buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's $50; go and buy yourself some underwear".


Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows
up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no
knickers - why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give
me". He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20; go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her
head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots woman! Why d'ye have
no knickers on?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping
money to be able to afford any". The Scot reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, then, here's a comb; tidy yourself up a bit."

Answer 8

ok there is this burnette walkin down the railroad tracks sayin 31,31,31,31,31,31. a blond walks by and asks if she can join her. the burnette says sure. so they walk down the tracks sayin 31,31,31,31,31,31 they here a train in the distance the brunette says we can still walk for a while so they walk down the tracks 31,31,31,31,31,31 the train is right behind them the brunette jumps out of the way the blond gets hit. so the brunette starts walkin down the tracks sayin 32,32,32,32,32,32,32,32,32,32

Answer 9

i only tell recent jokes all the rest i forget...

** what do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino..... ell if i no???

** english man irish man and scots man all discussing families,
english man says "my son was born on st georges day so i called him 'george' "
scotsman says "what a coincidence, my son was born on st andrews day so i called him ;andrew' "
irish man says "i dont fu**in believe this , wait till i tell our pancake"!!!!

** how can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?? ..... footprints in the butter!!!(sorry)

****what do you call 2 robbers on a washing line??? a pair of knickers..

***** 2 snowmen in a field , one says to the other "can you smell carrotts??

:-)))

Answer 10

so this guy falls asleep while laying in the sun and he wakes up and he got burnt badly so he goes to the doctor to see if he can give him anything for the burn and the doctor told him no but he gave him a viagra pill and the patient says "whats this for" and the doctor said its not gonna help your burn but it will keep the covers up at night.