Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a service station, donut shop or a Sandwich shop.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

2007-10-17 12:39:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was two immigrants trying to get thier us citizenship one polish and one Italian the polish man was really nervous and was afriad he would not pass the test the Italian man told not to worry because he goes in first I'll take the test then give you the answers so they call in the Italian man the judge ask hie three quetsions 1. who was the first pres. of the u.s.? george washington he says 2. how many stars are there on the u.s.flag? 50 3. what are the colors of the u.s. flag? red,white,and blue. you pass sir you are now a citizen of the u.s.a. the judge says so he goes out and drags the polish man in the mens room I wrote the answers down on my underwear just peak down at the answers when the judge ask you a question they trade undies but the polish guy puts em on backwards the judge ask him whos the first pres of the u.s.? he looks down jc penny! 2. how many stars on the u.s.flag? 36-38! (the judge looks at him funny) 3 whats the u.s.flags colors white with ah brown stripe!

2007-10-17 12:36:55 · 4 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

There was a man
who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real
"miser" when it came to his money.

Just before
he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."

And so he got
his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would
put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished
the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said,
"Wait just a
moment!"

She had a small
metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,

"Girl, I know
you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife
replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised
him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

You mean to tell
me you put that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?"

"I sure did,"
said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him
a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

2007-10-17 12:18:05 · 11 answers · asked by RuS3L 1

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

2007-10-17 12:14:35 · 37 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a ***** willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

2007-10-17 12:08:19 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Santa wasn’t having a good Christmas Eve. Mother Christmas had burnt the mince pies, the reindeers had been joyriding with the sleigh and hit the North Pole head on, the Elves were on strike because they had run out of marshmallows for the hot chocolate and the fairies were sent out to get a Christmas tree and they had been gone for hours. When the fairies returned dragging the tree behind them and they asked Santa “where do you want the tree Santa” Thats why we have fairies on the top of our Xmas trees.

2007-10-17 11:48:10 · 18 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7

There's a family. It's Thanksgiving and the parents are later having a feast and inviting high class people. In the meantime the parents get into an argument. The dad calls the mom a b**ch & the mom calls the dad a bas**rd. The son askes his parents what the words mean. He says, "Dad, what's a b**ch?" The dad replies, "A lady." Then the son goes & askes the mom what a bast**d is. she tells him it's a gentlemen. The mom tells the son tell his dad to start shaving. The son does. He's watching his dad shave & the dad cuts himself & says sh*t. The son asks what that means & the dad says it's when you cut your face while shaving. So the boy goes to see his mom and she says f*ck. He's says, "What's that mean?" She tells him that it's when you burn the turky. Then the door rings & the kid goes to answer it. He opens the door and says,"Hello b**ches and bast**ds." The people are shocked at him & ask him where his parents are. He says that my mom's f*cking the turky & my dad's sh*ting his face.

2007-10-17 11:47:53 · 5 answers · asked by Kimchi 1

An immigrant Canuck bartender was having a hard time fitting in. The regulars in the bar constantly teased him day in and day out about how he looked different, talked different, dressed different and acted different than the locals. The Canuck bartender always kept his cool and always had a calm smile and a friendly attitude. Months and months went by while the regulars relentlessly teased the Canuck bartender and he always kept his cool.

Finally, some of the regulars decided that the Canuck might be OK just because he was able to keep his cool all this time. They decided to go as a group and tell him that they were sorry and that they now thought the Canuck was OK by them.

As they expected the Canuck bartender was very gracious. He thanked them for their apology and welcomed them as friends. As a token of his appreciation, with his usual friendly smile he offered "OK, and I promise not to piss in your beers anymore..."

2007-10-17 11:37:48 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

c:\ dos

C:\ dos run

run dos run

read it out loud

2007-10-17 11:31:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Friend

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of
Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve
Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten
Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight
Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for
doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle
Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my *** in bird
shi*.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of
my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and
some dumb-@ss has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa

2007-10-17 11:24:37 · 25 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

2007-10-17 11:12:40 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl was sitting in a rail carriage on her own, quietly reading a book, until a scruffy bloke got into and sat directly opposite her. He started shelling and eating a large carton of king prawns, whilst flicking the empty shells all over the floor and the girl.

This continued for most of the journey, with a few insults being hurled at the girl for good measure. The bloke finally finished the prawns, at which point she got up, picked up the empty carton and proceeded to put all the empty shells in the carton. When she had cleaned up any trace of the prawns she threw everything out of the carriage window and pulled the emergency cord. The train came to a dramatic halt and the bloke laughed and said "What did ya do that for, you'll get fined £50" at which point that girl said "Sure and when the Police smell your fingers I'll make sure you get 10 years"...

2007-10-17 11:09:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow!

2007-10-17 11:07:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice:

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

2007-10-17 11:06:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

2007-10-17 11:05:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

2007-10-17 11:02:47 · 13 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

2007-10-17 11:01:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

2007-10-17 10:56:57 · 22 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Politicians can twist any story to suit themselves. Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great- uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing & train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this niscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted & hanged in 1889. Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image-adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets & intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings

2007-10-17 10:54:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

2007-10-17 10:53:54 · 11 answers · asked by Sparky 5

So, a cabbie is driving around NYC until the pope hails a cab... the cabbie is shocked and they have a nice chat. The ride is going smoothly until a lawyer is standing in the middle of the road. The cabbie had a huge grudge against lawyers, but he didn't want to go to hell because the pope was in the car. He swerved to avoid the lawyer, and they braked right near the curb. The cabbie said "sorry sir" the pope responds "its ok i got him with the car door."

Funny or not?

2007-10-17 10:52:55 · 4 answers · asked by fabregasfan 3

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

To know that we know what we know, and that we do not know what we do not. know, that is true knowledge.

2007-10-17 10:33:51 · 17 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Couple talking:

Wife: “honey, can u pls. fix the light bulb outside?”
Husband: “hello!!! Do I look like an electrician???”

Wife: “how bout the ladder outside, can you fix it for me pls.?”
Husband: “Hello!! Do I look like a carpenter??”

The husband went for a walk outside and when he got home all the things that needs fixing are all done.
He asked his wife who did all the work..

Wife replied, “a man saw me crying and asked me what is wrong, so I told him all the problems in the house”. “ he then offered to help me in exchange for either sex or I’ll bake him a cake”

Husband: “so did you bake a cake for the man?”
Wife: “HELLO!!, do I look like a baker??”

2007-10-17 10:31:48 · 11 answers · asked by RuS3L 1

I'm having trouble inserting a suppository on my 'recipient' because he keeps clenching his cheeks.

is there any way to get him to stop or loosen up? i already tried to ask him to relax. his (my sons) doctor said he must have a suppository atleast once every 2 days for the next week and a half.

2007-10-17 10:20:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ten dice are stacked on top of each other. The top die on the stack shows a "2". What is the sum of all the hidden faces.

2007-10-17 10:19:39 · 3 answers · asked by Tom S 7

Three tampons are walking down the street....why do they not speak to each other?..................


Because they're all stuck up b******

2007-10-17 10:09:17 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

2007-10-17 10:04:41 · 11 answers · asked by Sparky 5

can you help me solve this??



A young man seeks out a witch to get a love potion, just so he can win the heart of the woman he loves.

She agrees to give him the potion after he solves a task for her.

Bring me the hardest stone on earth, not cut by humans hand,
bring me the brightest spark of light,
bring me the well of life
to end your suffering.

2007-10-17 10:00:39 · 3 answers · asked by sbmiller11 1

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

2007-10-17 09:50:02 · 18 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

2007-10-17 09:39:43 · 16 answers · asked by Julian S 2