Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

He only took tips.

2007-10-16 12:52:18 · 9 answers · asked by out for justice. 5

Two brothers, Bob and Jim from the Third World have a lifelong dream to emigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years they have saved enough money and finally emigrate to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and others. Eventaully, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads; HOT DOGS, with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
Jim sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother Bob and says....

2007-10-16 12:46:13 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

vultures dont get frequent flyer miles

2007-10-16 12:43:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now, class, she said, "I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it!! no other excuses whatsoever!"

C.J. - a smart ar*e guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow if I said I was suffering from s*xual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at C.J., then shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2007-10-16 12:33:13 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

2.Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

3.Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

4.With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.

5.Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.

8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

11.“Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo..

12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape

2007-10-16 12:21:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-16 12:19:36 · 6 answers · asked by tony s 5

It seems that an engineer died and went to the pearly gates. St. Peter met him and looked in his book to determine where he was to go. He could not find his name in the book, so he sent him to hell. Some time later Satan calls God and tells him, "Thanks for sending that engineer down here. We now have air conditioning, escalators and other improvements that have really improved our way of life down here.

God said, "You have an engineer? Send him back."

Satan replied, "No way! We're keeping him."

God replied, "Send him back or I'll sue."

To which Satan said, "And just where will you get a lawyer?"

2007-10-16 12:18:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

2007-10-16 12:16:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

its a riddle figure it out

2007-10-16 12:16:22 · 11 answers · asked by Lexy 2

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at the meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken. She picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, and picked up the other leg and sniffed it.

Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could YOU pass such a test?"

2007-10-16 12:13:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."

The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."

The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.

About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."

The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."

The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

2007-10-16 12:10:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Me and my friend were going to McDonalds he ordered a BigMac and I ordered TWO daily doubles which are basically double cheese burgers. (Needed info for the joke: when I was younger I used to be REALLY fat. )

My friend says to me: Wow, fatty you got two daily doubles!

Me: Well, you know, when I was younger I used to have one every day.

My friend: Dude, thats really unhealthy.

Me: Well they are daily!

2007-10-16 12:06:01 · 15 answers · asked by dangoinvestor 3

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qkJdEFf_Qg4

2007-10-16 12:00:26 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Air bubbles

2007-10-16 11:56:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

2007-10-16 11:53:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-16 11:42:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

2007-10-16 11:41:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shah! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

2007-10-16 11:37:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

2007-10-16 11:30:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be"

You call a beer by your name

Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws

You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response

You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW"

Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it

You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown"

After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back

You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count

You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason

You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.

Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones

When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

You are refereeing a sporting event and just as someone is cheating you turn your head.

Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.

2007-10-16 11:24:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."

2007-10-16 11:23:36 · 18 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A man was driving his wife home after a night out when they stopped by the police.
"Did you know you were speeding, sir?" asked the officer.
"No, I had no idea that I was speeding." replied the driver.
"Of course you were," interrupted the wife. "You're always speeding."
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle. "And did you know your brake light is broken, sir?"
"No, I had no idea that it was broken." replied the driver.
Again the wife interrupted. "Of course you knew it was broken. You're always saying you'll get it repaired, but you never have."
The officer began to sympathize with the driver. "Does she always talk to you like this?"
"Only when he's drunk." said the wife.

2007-10-16 11:17:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
It's meow-sic to their ears!

Why do cats eat fur balls?
Because they love a good gag!

Why does everyone love cats?
They're purr-fect!

What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
A sourpuss!

What do you call it when a cat bites?
Catnip!

What's every cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice!

What do you call it when a cat stops?
A paws!

What's a cat's second favorite food?
Spa-catti!

What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit!

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
Catsup!

Where do cats write down notes?
Scratch Paper!

What kind of cats lay around the house?
Car-pets!

How do cats buy things?
From a cat-alogue!

2007-10-16 11:07:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are called Deigo's

2007-10-16 11:03:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.





Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........'





At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for teatime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'!





At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story. 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'



Moral for women:

*Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!*

2007-10-16 10:30:09 · 19 answers · asked by henridog 3

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.


The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"


The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

2007-10-16 09:46:14 · 8 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

A blonde gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases over
onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car, opens the trunk, takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude
bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't
very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

2007-10-16 09:38:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry I'm not at the phone right now, I am doing something my parents don't really approve of. Sucking on the hole fills me up so much. Sometimes I swallow the creamy-white liquid, but other times I spit it out so no one can have it...













I'll call you back when I'm done drinking milk out the carton!

2007-10-16 09:29:00 · 24 answers · asked by Forksided 3

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

2007-10-16 09:21:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pirate walks into a bar with a large ship's wheel shoved down the front of his pants. Paying it no mind, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink.

After pouring him some rum, the bartender asks "I don't mean to pry, but are you aware you have a ship's wheel down your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arrrrg, it's driving me nuts!"

2007-10-16 08:27:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous