Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

2007-10-15 23:16:39 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"

2007-10-15 23:15:29 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"But you don't understand," he pleaded. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?" he begged.

"Your horse called!"

2007-10-15 23:13:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly,emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too.

2007-10-15 23:11:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

2007-10-15 23:06:19 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

She looks ugly but looks powerful than you.She is also stinking.She looks dirty also.She challenges that she will pin you.

2007-10-15 22:53:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

> The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
> checks,
> interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and
> a
> woman.
>
> For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
> metal door
> and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
> instructions
> no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your
> wife
> sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!"
>
> The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
>
> The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
> wife
> and go home."
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
> came out
> with tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>
> The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
> home."
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction,
> to
> kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
> heard,
> one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
> walls.
> After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
> stood
> the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
>
> The agent asked, "What on earth was all that racket that we heard?"
>
> The woman said...
>
>
>
>
> "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to beat him to death
> with
> the chair."
>
>
> Moral:
>
> Women are evil
> Don't mess with them

2007-10-15 22:10:19 · 8 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

What os 1 + 1 First answer gets the points!

2007-10-15 22:09:03 · 7 answers · asked by jealousbug2 1

:A little boy goes to
his father and asks,



"Daddy, how was
I born?" The father



answers: "Well
son, I guess one day



you will need to
find out anyway! Your



Mom and I first got
together in a chat



room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date



via e-mail with your
Mom and we met



at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a



secluded room, where
your mother



agreed to a download
from my hard



drive. As soon as I
was ready to upload,



we discovered that
neither one of us had



used a firewall, and
since it was too late



to hit the delete
button, nine months later



a little Pop-Up
appeared that said:







Scroll
Down



.













You got male!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-15 22:06:16 · 12 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! its a riddles
"seems dirty but it aint"

2007-10-15 21:28:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

something that will make them laugh or smile

2007-10-15 20:20:28 · 17 answers · asked by dingdongitsterry 2

**
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
**
When asked this riddle,
80% of kindergarten kids got the answer,
compared to 17% of Stanford seniors.

2007-10-15 20:20:24 · 11 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um...no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

2007-10-15 19:27:16 · 26 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man was invited to a friend’s home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so forth. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those cute little pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

2007-10-15 18:50:19 · 22 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

can you answers theses.....

1) Let's say there is a bullet which can shoot through any barrier. Let's also say there is an absolutely bullet-proof armor which no object can penetrate. What will happen if such a bullet hits such an armor?

2) Can a man drown in the fountain of eternal life?

3) Your mission is not to accept the mission. Do you accept?

4)A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother.

5)If the temperature this morning is 0 degrees and the Weather Channel says, "it will be twice as cold tomorrow", what will the temperature be?

6)Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?

7)What happens if you are in a car going the speed of light and you turn the headlights on?

2007-10-15 16:51:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

sorry im just sick of seeing all the repeat riddles check the already asked stuff ppl!!!!!!!!!!

heres my riddle its an oldy....

a guy leaves home and goes for a run. at the corner he turns left. next corner turns he turns left again . and again he turns left at the the next corner. hes done a complete block as he arrives home there is a man in a mask waiting for him.

WHO IS HE?????
(The main guy not the guy in the mask)

cant wait for the answers to this one....lol....

I do know the answer i just like to tease ppls brains... ill let you know when someone gets it correct....

2007-10-15 16:11:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well


waking up on that morning I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok ," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .. Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And there I sat ...On the couch... Naked.

2007-10-15 15:02:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

i really mean no harm, MOST blondes are smart!!

2007-10-15 14:58:26 · 12 answers · asked by josephine.dawson 2

2007-10-15 14:50:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-15 14:47:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

2007-10-15 14:46:51 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I don't understand it, doctor. My weight is just out of control," said Mrs. Pauly. "I've gained over 70 pounds in the last two months. Why, just yesterday, my husband called me a Fat Cow!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm sure that we can find a cause for this. Let's begin with an examination. Stick out your tongue and say 'Mooo.' "

2007-10-15 14:36:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Word in the American dictionary, or the biggest word you have ever heard + the meaning of it?

2007-10-15 14:14:52 · 26 answers · asked by ♂♥♀ & ♀♥♂ ∞! Love Oh Love ! ♫♥♪ 5

Just for fun. =P

Post a word that starts with an R and later, I'll let YOU guys vote for the best word.

2007-10-15 14:07:59 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect

courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,

perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving

their perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the

side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to

help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to

disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded

Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along

delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and

the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them

survived the accident.





Question: Who was the survivor?

(Read down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
































Answer: The perfect woman survived. Shhe's the only one who really existed in

the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a

perfect man.







Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.


Men keep reading.

























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been

driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.









Men Keep reading













and......











By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates

another point:

Women never listen.

2007-10-15 14:07:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was walking out of my apartment the other day when I saw a neighbor of mine with her 5~6 year old son. This little boy loves cars, he adores them. He thinks every car is just the most amazing thing in the world, even if its a beat up peice of junk. Well, his mom's friend drove up in her Ford and he was all excited.
"Wow! Thats a really cool car!" he said
She looked out the window and laughed, saying "No its not, its a peice of junk Honey!"
Now here comes the funny part!
"Yeah I know! Isn't it just so cool?"
His mom leaned down and started to tell him that she meant that the car was no good. The little boy looked all confused.
"But Mommy, junk can't mean its bad, because junk FOOD is so good!"

2007-10-15 14:00:37 · 25 answers · asked by novagirl117 4

2007-10-15 13:01:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair & is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Bible College & believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the Behalf Of the innocent." They throw the switch & nothing happens. They immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, & release her. The 2nd one, a brunette, is strapped in & gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law & I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch & again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, & for beg for forgiveness & release her. The last one (you know it), a blonde, (WHO CAN FINISH THIS ONE?)

2007-10-15 12:58:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the
next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ***
is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

2007-10-15 12:29:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

2007-10-15 12:06:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous