Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

>> | Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
>> |
>> | Indubitably
>> | Innovative
>> | Preliminary
>> | Proliferation
>> | Cinnamon
>> |
>> | Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
>> |
>> | Specificity
>> | "Cogito ergo sum."
>> | British Constitution
>> | Passive-aggressive disorder
>> | loquacious
>> | transubstantiate
>> |
>> | Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:
>> |
>> | Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>> | Nope, no more booze for me!
>> | Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>> | Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>> | Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

2007-10-17 09:16:55 · 3 answers · asked by the ferrari man 6

If you go to a Friendly’s Restaurant and asked them for a non-smoking table, and they told you to “Piss off, jerk… there aren’t any more!”, can you sue them for false advertising?

2007-10-17 09:11:15 · 7 answers · asked by SARswimmer95 6

If a gay person is arrested for being rowdy, and then put into a STRAIGHT jacket, can they sue for defamation of character?

2007-10-17 09:09:33 · 2 answers · asked by SARswimmer95 6

this woman sat next to me said she'd got up late and her mouth felt like the bottom of a bird cage.i said you must have had a cockatoo in it then. there taking the stitches out of my face next week.ouch

2007-10-17 09:07:04 · 11 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

2007-10-17 09:00:38 · 2 answers · asked by PAUL B 1

we were chopping up the vegetables, i felt i was dicing with death?

2007-10-17 08:33:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

anybody could help me solve this riddle.

2007-10-17 07:39:19 · 10 answers · asked by lheng:) 2

Paddy Irishman died and went up to heaven where St Peter greeted him.

"And who are you?" asked St Peter.

"My name is Peter O'Toole"

"And what did you do for a living?" asked St Peter.

"I was unemployed"

"Unemployed hmmm?" mused St Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"

"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair,
kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."

"That's highly commendable,” said St Peter, flicking through the man's file, "but I don't see any record of this incident. When did it happen?"

"About five minutes ago"

2007-10-17 05:26:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chicken is lying in bed next to the Egg. Chicken looks relaxed, and very satisfied.
Egg states" Well I guess we know the answer to that Question."

2007-10-17 05:07:34 · 14 answers · asked by donniez369 4

An Irish girl on Vacation in Spain headed for the hotel roof for some sun.

On her first day up there she wore a bathing suit, but since there was no one around that day, she removed it in order to acquire an all-over tan.

She was lying on her stomach when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She quickly pulled a towel over herself and was confronted by the hotel assistant manager. "Excuse me," he said. "The hotel doesn’t mind you sunning yourself on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What's the problem?" she asked. "No one can see me up here."

"That's not quite true," he replied. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

2007-10-17 05:06:29 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2007-10-17 04:06:37 · 11 answers · asked by ? 6

- You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

- Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

- When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

- You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

- No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

- All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

2007-10-17 03:56:49 · 14 answers · asked by ? 6

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

2007-10-17 03:55:48 · 33 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Paddy the farmer was shocked to learn that the cows on his farm had bluetongue... "Bejaysus" he was heard telling the minisrty vets." I did'nt even know they had mobile phones!!"

2007-10-17 03:53:07 · 12 answers · asked by richy 3

the harvest festival,you will be executed in 3 days. but before i kill you,I will grant you 3 requests.What is your first request?"
The lone ranger replies" I'd like to speak to my horse."
The chief nods and silver is briught before the lone ranger,who whispers in silvers ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the chief watches,the blonde enters the lone rangers tentand spends the night. The next morning the indian chief admits he's impressed."you have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in 2 days.What is ur second request.
The lone ranger again asks to speak to his horse.Silver is brought to him,and again he whispers in silvers ear. As before silver takes off across the plains.Later that evening,to the chiefs surprise,silver returns with a brunnette,more attractive than the blonde.The next day the Chief still impressed says you are indeed a man of many talentsbut i stillkill you tomorrow.

2007-10-17 03:34:26 · 12 answers · asked by richy 3

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!"

The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled, "Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes. "Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed. "Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!"..... The husband asked "What the hell is this Bell #4?" "MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

2007-10-17 03:27:38 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease.
St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.

"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
"Occupation?"
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.

Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
"Well," he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a carpenter."
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child was a boy.
And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".

Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.

With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"

2007-10-17 02:43:09 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There IS no damn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b1tch giving you a hard time?"

2007-10-17 02:37:49 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

How Is that Possible?

2007-10-17 02:29:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

>It was only a matter of time before the Feds figured out how to track all
>of
>us. It is unbelievable how they can see your cell phone with their
>satellites, click on the link and enter your cell phone number and it will
>immediately zero in on your location.
>http://www.satellite-gps-locator.com

2007-10-17 01:39:26 · 11 answers · asked by David 6

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

2007-10-17 01:23:25 · 18 answers · asked by Jim 7

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt Poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.

2007-10-17 01:21:07 · 10 answers · asked by Jim 7

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

2007-10-17 01:10:11 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man leaves for work every morning. He gets into a lift and presses the G button and off he goes. When he returns home, he gets into the lift and presses 4. He then gets out of the lift and walks another 5 flights of stairs to get to his flat on the ninth floor. WHY DOES HE DO THIS????????

2007-10-17 01:08:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

2007-10-17 01:08:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm
broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity a hour ago!!!"

2007-10-17 00:56:39 · 24 answers · asked by ? 4

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

2007-10-17 00:53:56 · 6 answers · asked by loopy 2

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

2007-10-17 00:33:52 · 17 answers · asked by loopy 2

to get chicken butt

2007-10-17 00:18:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter, at The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man pointing to the clocks at random, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie. "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in His entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. St. Peter replied, "Hillary's clock is In Jesus' office." "He's using it as a ceiling fan."
.

2007-10-16 23:32:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous