Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

2007-10-10 04:34:19 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, guys. u have 2 c this! this is a video my foster sister and her cousin made last summer. It's halarious!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEDSfzkpN9w&mode=user&search=

2007-10-10 04:28:10 · 3 answers · asked by blahblah 2

3 married men on there way from a Bunny ranch in Vegas Crashed into a tree and died. They all went to Hell. The devil said to the men Welcome to Hell I have 3 rooms which to chose from and spend eternity in .
1st. Room was filled with millions of souls in screamish and pain standing on burning Hot coals. The men said NO!!!! not room number one.
2nd Room they men come to the Devil opens the door and the men see More Souls Millions of them all crying out save us screaming and standing on there heads upside down on concrete. The men said NO not this one..
3rd Room Satan says to the men you might like this one cause its not that many people and you want hear any screaming there. So he opens the doors and sure enough the men seen a few hundred people drinking coffee standing in Excriment the men all said we pick this room. The Devil says alright get in that cell . as soon as he locks the door the devil says alright everyone coffee breaks over . Back on your heads.

2007-10-10 04:22:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

2007-10-10 04:00:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

2007-10-10 03:41:31 · 12 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"

2007-10-10 03:32:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

2007-10-10 03:29:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises
that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he
sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
AND
Divorced Barbie: £299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the
other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":



Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

2007-10-10 03:17:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman sitting in an adelaide restaurant suddenly begins to cough. After e few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two locals,Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?"asked Kenzie.
the woman signalled No!,desperately shaking her haed.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked brian. the woman shook her head ,No!
With that Kenzie walked behind her,lifted up the back of her dress,yanked her knickers down and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her a rse.
this shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again .
Kenzis swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody hind lick manoeuvre, but thats the first time i ever seen somebody do it mate!!"

2007-10-10 02:13:08 · 16 answers · asked by richy 3

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.



As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Bill would be pleased."



"I'm sure you're right," replied Judy, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"



"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."



"No!" Judy exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"



Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."



Judy computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"



"Two and a half carats".

2007-10-10 02:08:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to
dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon
between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out
like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Where upon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with
a potato tied to his tally whacker. The old woman says, "You're going out
like that?"
And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a
dick-tator."

2007-10-10 02:02:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ablonde calls her boyfriend and says "please come over and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and cant figure out how to start it."
Her botfriend asks,"whats its supposed to be when its finished."
the blonde say " according to the picture on the box,its a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
she let him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment ,then looks at the box,then he turns to her and says,"first of all no matter what we do ,we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says "secondly i want you to relax, lets have a nice cup of tea, and then he sighed.................
lets both put the Frosties back in the box!!!!"

2007-10-10 01:58:12 · 23 answers · asked by richy 3

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!' His wife was not amused,
and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. April,' he hollered into the bathroom,

'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a
snicker, 'It's not talcum powder......it's' Miracle Grow'.

2007-10-10 01:42:21 · 15 answers · asked by little kitty 3

its a riddle can u answer it

2007-10-10 01:21:13 · 14 answers · asked by Trey E 1

and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Conan: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Conan: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Conan: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Conan: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Conan: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Conan: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Conan: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Conan: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Conan: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Conan: Yeah, I'll bet that Liar told you I was speeding too!!

2007-10-10 00:57:48 · 12 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

An officer in the French forien legion was posted out in the desert, the admin man was showing him around the post, at the stables there was a camel he was tod that as there was no ladies on the post if he had the urge for sex he camel was for officers only, he was disgusted, but had to bite his toubge, after three months he was desperate and just had to call on the camel, who did not like it at all, the terribe nois woke the admin man who went to investigate, on finding what was going on he draged the man off the poor camal asking what the hell he thought he was doing, the man said "you told me if I needed sexual gratification the camal was there for officers Sir" The admin man replied thar's right but we normally ride it to the neerest brothel.

2007-10-10 00:39:43 · 9 answers · asked by B B J K 1

2007-10-10 00:15:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How'd you know I was at Wal-mart?"

*STAR IF YOU LIKE

2007-10-10 00:06:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I haven't even said it yet. Just grunted mainly

2007-10-09 23:25:41 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband desperate to end an argument, offers to buy his wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying:"That's not what I had in mind!"
Frantically, he offers her a new house. Again, she rejects his offer but this time, impliying:" That's not quite what I had in mind either!"
Curious and angry, he asks:" What did you have in mind?"
She retorts:"I want a divorce"!!!
He grins and answers:"I hadn't planned on spending quite that much!!"

P.S. Star if you like please! Thank you!

2007-10-09 23:09:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Keep Taking the Medicine
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

What Vision
Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: 'Do you see any change in me?'

Quick Diagnosis
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Eating Disorder
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'

'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine.'

2007-10-09 23:04:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Would you pick something up with your butt that you'd pick up with your hand, like food or something?

2007-10-09 22:31:33 · 6 answers · asked by zpk 1

2007-10-09 21:48:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A businessman had to stay a few nights in London on business.
The first night passed and he was feeling pretty bored and a bit horny.

The next day, after work, he took a walk down Oxford Street.
He passed a phone box plastered with cards offering 'Visiting Call Girl services'

he quickly went back to his hotel, almost ran up to his room, sat on his bed and dialled the number.
a sexy female voice answered..... "can I help you, Sir"
"Ohh yes please" He said " I want to start by tieing you up...I want some bondage and domination........I want to spank your bum, then I want to finish off with a '69'"

"well sir, that all sounds very nice................ but you might want to dial '9' first, to get an outside line"

2007-10-09 20:43:50 · 11 answers · asked by Vinni and beer 7

Chandler and I would love to know:

Donald Duck doesnt wear pants. But whenever he comes out of the shower, he always has a towel wraped around his waist. Whats that about??

2007-10-09 20:05:13 · 6 answers · asked by The Reverend Tholomew Plague 3

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"

"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

2007-10-09 19:22:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-09 18:42:29 · 2 answers · asked by M C 1

1. What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has oneletter?
2. I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
3.Which month has 28 days?
4. What starts with "P", ends with "E", and has millions ofletters?
5. Why shouldn't you put the letter "M" into therefrigerator?
6. What animal can jump higher than a house?
7. Why can't a man living in Paris be buried in the Southof France?

2007-10-09 18:33:25 · 9 answers · asked by NancyAr. 2

Undecided Question
Tough Riddle?
This one is from http://www.mindchallenger.com and it still has not been answered. Everyone is so good at answering riddles it is a shame that no one has come up with it. What do you think is the answer? Try to solve before looking for the question and answer at the link above.

I am found on every playground.
I am found in every office building
I am long... but also short
I am fat but sometimes skinny
I make dogs bark
And fat people cry
You can place a bet on me
I have more numbers than a phone book
I am lighter than a feather... but i have enough strength to kill a black bear..
Colleges despise me and preschoolers love me...

What am I?

2007-10-09 18:14:28 · 14 answers · asked by sykonore 1

Any good jokes out there to make me forget that I got rid of my bf last week and have no one to spend my b-day with!!

2007-10-09 18:06:39 · 14 answers · asked by PEGGY S 7