Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Who is God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

2007-10-02 07:55:12 · 9 answers · asked by Lizzeth 3

You Get What You Pray For


This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

2007-10-02 07:38:37 · 22 answers · asked by Lizzeth 3

and why is it your nickname?
mines is pillows because of my butt...

2007-10-02 07:07:30 · 10 answers · asked by ♥Cali Girl♥ 5

Here are 3 clues...


1- The Lead character is a Dr.

2- Many characters fear smoke...

3- ******** and found....

2007-10-02 07:01:21 · 2 answers · asked by FromTheTop 1

It is a well known fact that girls can be broken down mathematically, using the following:

We all know that girls require time and money:

Girls = Time * Money
And since we all know time is money:

Time = Money
Therefore:

Girls = Money * Money = (Money)²
And because money is the root of all evil:

Money = √Evil
Therefore:

Girls = (√Evil)²
And we are forced to conclude that:

Girls = Evil

2007-10-02 06:47:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

and asked to buy a wasp, the shopkeeper said "we don't sell wasps" i said well you've got one in the window!

2007-10-02 06:44:29 · 31 answers · asked by indicabud1uk 3

Never thank a woman for having sex with you.

Let her find out on her own that she's made a really bad mistake




Q: Why do blonde's drive BMW's instead of Porsche's?

A: They can't spell Porsche.




Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.




Q: What do a blonde and rail road tracks have in common?

A: They get laid all over the country



Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

A: FULL



Did you hear about the blonde who...

...had more on her body than on her mind?




Q: Why did God invent orgasms?

A: So blondes know when to stop screwing.




Q: What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air?

A: Collecting her thoughts

2007-10-02 06:32:03 · 3 answers · asked by ☆STAR☆ 3

Don't you just hate it when someone pinches your nose because they think it's funny?
All they are doing is rearranging your furniture!

2007-10-02 05:51:59 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

that one too thank you/ here it goes.
Every evening a man and a woman would
eat at a table and then have a violent argument,
swearing, shouting and insulting
each other. The rest of the time they got
on very well, with never a cross word.
Why did they argue every night?
CLUE:
On Saturdays they argued (over the same
thing) in the afternoon as well.
CLUE #2:
It was the same topic of conversation
which led them to quarrel every night.

2007-10-02 05:35:03 · 13 answers · asked by romancekenyota 2

Push it to the side and carry on eating!!

2007-10-02 05:16:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

He gets hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.....
He turns round and his wife says..

"AND THATS JUST FOR F***ING STARTERS"!

2007-10-02 02:58:37 · 5 answers · asked by hcchenery 2

The interviewer said before I'll employ you you must pass a test, you must make a sentence using the words green, pink and yellow.

Thats simple says Raj, The telephone goes "green green" and I pink it up and I say "Yellow?"!

Raj now works at a call centre near you.

2007-10-02 02:47:18 · 10 answers · asked by hcchenery 2

The BEST diet story ever!
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog... (DUHHHH) was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pock ets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my *** when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out .

2007-10-02 01:55:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-02 00:58:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary."

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

2007-10-02 00:50:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If it is dry - add moist: if it is moisten - add dryness.
Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

2007-10-02 00:48:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shotgun wedding = A case of wife or death.

What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his a*s... and the other is a chimpanzee.

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

What is most embarrasing thing that can happy to a man?
Running into a wall with a h*rd-on and breaking his nose.

My mother-in-law told me exercise helps her burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.

Why do men wear hair gel and aftershave?
Because they're often under increasing pressure from a society which over simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes OR is it because they're ugly and they smell bad?

Why can't little girls fart?
They don't get a**holes till they're married.

2007-10-01 23:36:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

s bound to happen, the wires have got crossed and
there was a little confusion. Well not that little, it
was quite a confusion. Here, read it for yourself:

Lee Sum Wan: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?"

Mr. Sori: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."

Mr. Sori: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Lee Sum Wan: "I'm Sum Wan. I need to talk to Annie
Wan. It's urgent."

Mr. Sori: "I know you are someone and you want to talk
to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that
our brother was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan was injured and now
Noe Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going to
the hospital."

Mr. Sori: "Well, if no one was injured and no one was
sent to the
hospital from the accident, that isn't an urgent
matter! You may find
this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

2007-10-01 23:31:42 · 3 answers · asked by lucky_1179 4

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood
completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and
beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful.
The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be
screwed if he needed glasses!"

2007-10-01 23:11:51 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

Bride -to- be, before her wedding night ask's her moma
"Moma please tell me how to make my husband happy"
Moma starts to tell her about sex
Bride -to -be screams " I know how to f**k, but how do I make Lasanga "

2007-10-01 23:03:29 · 1 answers · asked by saxo 1

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie , Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

2007-10-01 21:48:56 · 12 answers · asked by PC 7

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,

I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still
be alive...

2007-10-01 21:48:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

She's in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, when he walks in.


She turns and says, "You have to make love to me -- this very moment."


His eyes light up and he thinks, "Holy Smoke - this is my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all, on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.


More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"




She explains, "The egg timer's broken"

2007-10-01 21:42:02 · 8 answers · asked by PC 7

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation.

A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, I will say this only one more time"
"Are...my...test...results...back?"

2007-10-01 19:05:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.

The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the old swamp near The parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but a backside and a briefcase."

2007-10-01 19:03:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?"! he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm sorry" she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you." "I don't even know your name?"

"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Tex."

2007-10-01 19:00:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up......

Then all the other bells started to ring.

2007-10-01 18:58:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

(best answer gets 10 points!)

2007-10-01 17:43:19 · 8 answers · asked by Kat 5

4 guys were playing gulf.
one guy named "Mark"
had a phone call so it was a girl mark put it on speaker
she asked "Honey i saw our dream car but its $560,000 should i buy it?
he said:"Sure!" she ask: "Ok! i saw our dream house but its $800,820 should we buy it?"
HE said:"Any price doesn't matter buy whatever ya WANT!!"
She: "ok! i saw our dream cat and dog i cost 1million bucks,so i can buy it now!!!!!"
HE:"Bye" he hang up.all of his friends were really surprized!
then he finnally said:"Ok who's phone does this belong to?"
Get it? it wasn't his phone!!!!

A little boy was at the beach he asked his mom why were the things the other woman have bigger than hers? she said it was because there were sillier than her!
then he asked why the things dad has was smaller than the men here? she said it was because there were dumber than him!
few minutes later he told his mom that "Dad was talking to the silliest woman and his getting dumber and dumber by the time!"

2007-10-01 16:26:39 · 7 answers · asked by Maboroshi 3

A jungle explorer was looking around, and, without realizing it, entered the land of a native jungle tribe. They captured him, and said that they would wait for what he said to determine his fate. If the statment he said next was true, he would be thrown to the lions. If the statement was false, he would be shoved off a cliff.
What can he say so that he is set free?

2007-10-01 15:34:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous