Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

and ask the barman " Have you seen my brother ?
The barman replies i don't think so,
what does he look like?

A man was in the park,when a woman approached him & asked "Does you'r dog bite?
No he replied,
as she lent forward to stroke the dog,it jumped up & bit her hand, "i thought you said you'r dog doesn't bite" she remarked.
"It doesn't" he replied, Thats not my dog.


A message that was sent to me on my mobile :-
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2007-10-01 15:18:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-01 15:02:48 · 5 answers · asked by Julie 2

when, why?

2007-10-01 14:55:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long drive on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

2007-10-01 14:49:06 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

if you try to fail and succeed which have you done/???





how many animals of each did moses put on the ark??


iof you are locked inside a car with a baseball bat how do u get out??

2007-10-01 14:41:58 · 12 answers · asked by Tor 2

How bout maybe?

2007-10-01 14:27:55 · 10 answers · asked by Willy WOnka 2 1

Steve, Mike, and Joe are construction workers and they are sitting on a beam at the top of a sky scraper. Joe tries to get up, but slips and falls to his immediate death. So steve says, "somebody should tell his wife." Mike replies, "ok i'll do it, this needs some sensitivity."
Later Mike returns with a 6-pack of beer, and Steve says, "where'd you get that?" Mike responds, "Joe's wife." Steve asks, "didn't you tell her about joe.?"
Mike explains, "Of course i did...i said 'Aren't you Joe's widow?' And she said, ' No I'm not a widow.' So i said, 'You wanna bet me a 6-pack?"

2007-10-01 14:14:01 · 8 answers · asked by just james 3

answer it and win 2 points plus a maybe extra 10!

2007-10-01 13:55:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

2007-10-01 13:38:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When he was overtaken by a 3 legged chicken,
so he puts his foot down,& he is doing 50mph,
& just as he pulls level ,the chicken speeds up again,
so he steps on the gas once more,
he's now doing 60mph,& just as he is about to catch up
the chicken turns left into a farm,
the driver follows him,& as he stops a farmer approaches him,
& asks what does he want?
He replies you are not going to believe this,but i saw a 3 legged chicken run in here.
Oh, thats ok, we breed them here says the farmer,
what it is my familly love chicken, but i like a leg,my wife likes a leg & so does my boy,
thats brilliant says the driver, what do they taste like?
we don't know says the farmer we can't catch the bar****ds.

2007-10-01 13:35:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the difference between a woman having her p**iod and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.


What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."


What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

2007-10-01 13:33:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding receiption was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator. "And finally she said, "I do thank my new parents-in-law for their present; such a beautiful perky copulator.

2007-10-01 13:31:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you don't think this is funny then you officially have no sense of humor! LOL:
http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x40/Mike_F_620/ATT40860.jpg?t=1191284848

2007-10-01 13:30:12 · 3 answers · asked by Michael F 3

Brian was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

Brian stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed just as a car came careering aroung the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" Brian asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel, the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" Brian asked..."And where the hell were you when I got married?"

2007-10-01 13:26:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

2007-10-01 13:19:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

when the barman says his dog can beat any other dog,it won't beat mine says the man,i have a long nosed short legged irish fighting dog.Would you like a wager?asks the barman,so a bet is made & the following night in walks the man dragging a sack,he says place your dog in here & we will see who wins,the barman agrees & places his dog inside.They tie up the sack & stand back,all of a sudden the sack starts to move all over the place,but after a few seconds the sack goes still,the man unties the sack & places his hand in & pulls out an ear,is this your dog he asks,yes says the barman,then he pulls out a leg,is this your dog? the barman nods & says well it looks like you have won,what was your dog called again?
The man replies a long nosed, short legged irish fighting dog,
but around here i think you call them crocodiles.

2007-10-01 13:17:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the talk of the town when Smila - 80 years of age, married a 20 year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate him. "This is amazing. How do you keep that old motor running?"

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it Smila?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

Smila responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well you had better change the oil; this one's black!"

2007-10-01 13:06:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

sooo this zebra died and went heaven. when he was at the golden gates, when Saint Peter was there. The zebra said " ya know, there's this one thing that has bugged me my whole life. Am i white with black stripes or am i black with white stripes?" Peter said " I dont know, ask God. So the zebra goes to God and says " Am i white with black stripes or am i white with black stripes?" God said " You are what you are". Then the zebra went back to see peter. Peter said, " so what did he say?" The zebra said " he said i am what i am. Then Peter said " oh, so you're white with black stripes." The zebra said, " how do you know?" Peter said " Because, if you were black with white stripes, he would have said, you is what you is."

Did you like that joke?
If you did please give me a star.

2007-10-01 12:56:05 · 4 answers · asked by Kaela 2

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a$$ and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

2007-10-01 12:39:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

***REDNECK ETIQUETTE***
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***
1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone..... deodorant is a waste of good money

***DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested. "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

2007-10-01 12:37:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

2007-10-01 12:34:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Wal-Mart and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??

2007-10-01 12:32:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

We are studying this compcucated graphs... SO BORING! BUt i need like 50 answers! HELP! This will mean a lot for me!

2007-10-01 12:07:24 · 17 answers · asked by Lovepeacehappiness 2

Tell em to me :] I love them!

2007-10-01 11:53:33 · 8 answers · asked by Sammi 2

I'm welsh, and here in wales we have a certain way with women. well. I do.
every time I see her my eyes melt.. and everytime she sees me, she seems to make strange noises.. whether it's normal idk, but she's just moved here, so wherever she's from, I guess it's normal.
well I bumbed into her yesterday and again, she made the noise
But she had a sweater on and this purfume, and some of it seemed to get on my arm, it smelled really nice, I asked her what it was and she said Hill Grass, got it imported from Llandydno or some place around there
after I started talking to her, I got really into her and started feeling all warm, she even seemed I made her feel all warm inside, I left to go home, she made that noise again, I asked what it was and again she did it, but her father gave me one of her possesions, a sweater, said it was from her, it was woolen, and I usually find a woolen gift very thoughtful, us welshies find wool very thoughtful.

Does she like me??

thought I'd joke:

2007-10-01 11:51:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-01 10:50:59 · 18 answers · asked by Nicholas J 2

Dark in Here


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."



The man says, "Yes, it is."



The boy says, "I have a baseball."



Man, "That's nice."



Boy, "Want to buy it?"



Man, "No, thanks."



Boy, "My dad's outside."



Man, "OK, how much?"



Boy, "$250."



The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy, "Dark in here."



Man, "Yes, it is."



Boy, "I have a baseball glove."



The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"



Boy, "$750."



Man, "Fine."



A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."



The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."



The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"



Boy, "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."



The priest says, "Don't start THAT again."

2007-10-01 10:16:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

so this guy is driving home late from work, when he realises it's his wife's birthday and he hasn't got a present for her. Desperate he's driving around, wracking his brains when he drives past a brothel and sees a parrot in the window. Now, knowing his wife has always wanted one, he goes in and starts
trying to persuade the madam to sell it to him. after some hefty negotiations he gets the bird. When he finally arrives home, to find his mother and sister in law with their respective husbands waiting for him , he unveils the beautiful bird of paradise....

The parrot, looks around, ruffles it's feathers and squawks...

"Well the 2 regulars I recognise, but I ain't never seen those 2 'ho's before!".......
:-)

(Ta Dah!)

2007-10-01 10:15:22 · 20 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

Sally, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend..." gushes Sally. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Sally. "But it was the one just next to it!"

2007-10-01 09:58:53 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

work PHRASESuseful


1. thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh
nervously, and change the subject.

2007-10-01 09:08:13 · 1 answers · asked by M JOHNS 4