Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Name: Women
Symbol: Woe

Accepted weight: 120

Physical Properties: Boils at nothing and freezes at any minute. Melts when treated; very bitter if not well used.

Occurrence: Found wherever man exists.

Chemical properties: Posses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent reaction if alone. Turns green when placed besides a better-looking specimen.

Uses: Highly ornamental; useful as a tonic in the acceleration of low spirits and as an equalizer of the distribution of wealth. Probably the most effective income-reducing agent know (Reducing agent).

CAUTION: HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE IN INEXPERIENCED HANDS.

Sorry girls...but you must accept it because it is a fact.

Please rate it.

2007-10-28 04:09:18 · 10 answers · asked by Mikhil M 2

a couple of weeks back i had asked this qt "People say i have a great sense of humour. what do i do with it ?"

and i got lots of advice out of which one was that to sell it for 1 buck............... so any starters here............... the bidding starts now

2007-10-28 03:59:27 · 14 answers · asked by I am a Legend 3

2007-10-28 02:04:29 · 16 answers · asked by mumtaz 6

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.

He was served a piece of meat, and as he picked it up with his fork, he held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "To which end of the fork are you referring....?"

2007-10-28 01:36:16 · 24 answers · asked by Sparky 5

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."

2007-10-28 01:21:46 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

And flops his old john thomas on the counter. He then says to the beautiful female assistant " can you fix this please"
To which she replies "excuse me sir that sign outside says clock repairs not c.o.c.k repairs". " Yes I know, but i'd like you to put 2 hands on this"

2007-10-28 01:10:19 · 14 answers · asked by dickyb 2

Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

2007-10-28 00:57:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

BOYS

A heart is not a play thing, a heart is not a toy, but if you want it broken, Just give it to a boy. Boys they like to play with things To see what makes them run, But when it comes to kissing, They do it just for fun. Boys never give their hearts away They play us girls for fools, They wait until we give our hearts And then they play it cool. You will wonder where he is a night You will wonder if he's true, One moment you will be happy, One moment you will be blue. If you get a chance to see him Your heart begins to dance Your life revolves around him, There's nothing like romance. And then it starts to happen, You worry day and night You see, my friend, you're losing him It never turns out right. Boys are great, though immature The price you pay is high, He may seem sweet and gorgeous But remember, he's a guy. Don't fall in love with just a boy That takes a lot of nerve. You see, my friend, you need a man To get what you deserve. So when you think that you're in love,

2007-10-28 00:49:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.

2007-10-28 00:23:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like you’re passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl’s bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when it’s your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

2007-10-28 00:19:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell them they must have the wrong number, only god lives here

When they call back, Tell them this is the devil’s residence

Tell them she/he can’t come to the phone right now as they are in deep meditation and may stay that way for days.

Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.

Start telling them your life story

Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they live

Reply to all their questions in song

Ask for someone who can translate pig Latin, as you speak no other language

Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house (under 5)

As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking relentlessly

Start trying to give them a psychological analysis

Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopsticks

Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning

Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today

Describe your socks in detail

Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster

2007-10-27 23:59:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wanted to call my son Harry.

Unfortunately he's stuck with Barrun.

I just feel sorry for the ones who went in after me.

They got their little Mickey named Kik Me.

2007-10-27 23:22:57 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the

2007-10-27 23:20:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a little boy and his family were having friends over for tea the little boy went to ask his mum when friends were coming and the mum stabed her self with a pin and saidSHIT so the little boy said what doseSHIT mean mum said it means hats and coats then the little boy went down stair to his dad and dad burned him self ON THE CHICKEN and saidFUCK AND THE BOY SAYS WHAT DOSEFUCK mean dad said getting soming ready THEN mum comes the stairs and falls and saysFUCK then gose upstairs to get ready then the friends come and the little boy says pass me theSHIT and sit down AND dad isFUCKING the chicken and mumsFUCKING HER SELF upstairs

2007-10-27 23:04:02 · 28 answers · asked by missym_1808 2

Two mothers are talking about a friend who has just given birth to triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times," says one.

"Amazing," says the other. "How did she ever find time to do any housework?

2007-10-27 22:33:44 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to a clinic early on a Monday morning and asks to see a doctor. He appears to be in great pain, and his hands are in bandages.

The nurse looks at him sympathetically. "Arthritis, with complications?" she asks.

"No," says the man. "Do-it-yourself, with concrete blocks."

2007-10-27 22:30:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all the devil's fault; she's not that easy to get along with either on some days."

2007-10-27 22:28:40 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

EDIT* I posted this joke before. Some of you may not have seen it.

2007-10-27 22:24:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross- examined. The lawyer thundered at him: "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

2007-10-27 22:20:37 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy folowing me around. But I don't want Shirley following me around all the time. She's a gossip and a spoilsport!"

2007-10-27 22:17:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marcy walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says Marcy.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

2007-10-27 22:16:04 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

2007-10-27 22:14:22 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

2007-10-27 22:11:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b*tch!"

2007-10-27 21:51:38 · 8 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

There were three old ladies that died at the same time. They got up to Heaven and the man at the gate said that there was only one rule, "Dont step on any ducks". The ladies said okay and walked happly through the gates and into Heaven.

Once through the gate, they saw what the man had meant, there were ducks everywhere! So after a few days the first lady steped on a duck, POOF the man from the gate poops up with the ugliest, grimest, guy ever seen. They had to be chained together, for eternity. The two poofed off.

The two ladies were really careful now. After a few months, the second lady steped on a duck. POOF, The man poops up as before, with an even uglier and grimier guy then before. Now chained together for eternity, The two poofed off.

It had been a year and the last lady hadnt stepped on a single duck! But POOF, the man pooped up, with the most gorgeous man. The third ladie was happly chained to him for eternity. Wondering out loud the laid asked, "What did I do to deseve this?"

The gorgeous man answered, "I dont know but, I stepped on a duck."

2007-10-27 21:20:03 · 7 answers · asked by Laura Q 2

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school, and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. The students and their teacher are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy," so the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

2007-10-27 21:05:54 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

2007-10-27 20:57:41 · 6 answers · asked by jan c 4

2007-10-27 20:34:07 · 21 answers · asked by Debi 7

Three guys enter a restarant, look around, pull down their p*nts and start be*ting off.

Frantically the manager rushes up to them and says,"We do not tolorate such lude behavior."

Puzzled the one guy resonds, "We were only obeying the sign."

The manager asks "what sign."

"The one that says FIRST COME FIRST SERVE."

2007-10-27 19:43:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a father a mother and their three sons. It was Thanksgiving day, so the father went out with his bee-bee gun to the farm to shoot a turkey.

He loaded his bb gun with 3 bb's and went out and shot a turkey, and brought it home. His wife cooked the turkey and it was time to eat.

Shortly after they started eating the first boy jumps up and says mom can I please be excused, and his mother said sure go ahead the family resumes eating 2 minutes later the boy came down screaming "MOMMIE MOMMIE I WAS PE*ING AND A BEE-BEE CAME OUT!!", so the mother consoles him and says its ok honey, it happens, don't worry you'll be ok."

About 5 minutes later the 2nd boy jumps up and says mom can I be excused and the mother says sure. Shortly after that he comes running downstairs screaming "MOMMIE MOMMIE, I WAS PE*ING AND A BEE-BEE CAME OUT!!!!!!" His mother said don't worry just like it told your brother its ok."

2007-10-27 19:41:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous