Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story :

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak"

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."


The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

2007-10-29 02:46:48 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted."

2007-10-29 02:23:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because her boyfriend was blonde also.

2007-10-29 00:04:54 · 12 answers · asked by ChaRiaLer 4

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.AND FINALLY:IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

2007-10-28 23:59:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The nuns at the local convent had their daily anouncement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There has been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: OH, no!
1 nun: HEE,, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair of mens underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: HEE, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee

2007-10-28 23:58:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven, and St. Pete told them there was only room for one poet in heaven at this time. In order to decide who was to enter, each of the poets had to write a poem ending with the word (or syllables, as it turns out) Timbuktu and must mention the sea.
Longfellow;

I see the sea, I see the shore,
I hear the mighty ocean roar.
Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue.
Their destination: Timbuktu.
(OK so Longfellow was a bit weak in geography)
Nash:
Tim and me, to sea we went,
Spied three women in a tent.
Since they were three, and we but two,
I bucked one, and Tim bucked two>>>>>"WITZELSUCHT"
From Dorland's Illustrated Medical Dictionary, 26th edition.
witzelsucht (vit'sel-zoocht) [Ger.] "A Mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at which the patient himself is immensely amused." >>>
Ahh now I see !That's me !!!

2007-10-28 23:58:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

2007-10-28 23:53:16 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

right so mr smith and his son tommy were driving to go and see mr smiths wife's house one day and they were involved in a tragic car accident,mr smith died instantly but tommy was taken to hospital in an ambulance...the doctor yelled and cried thats my SON when in viewing distantce of the boy...how s this possible??

2007-10-28 23:21:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Female: "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
Male: OK
Sound of steps....
Female: "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
Male: "It a bit cramped - let me sit down"
Female: "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Male: Yes
Sniff sniff
Female: "Ah perfume - you think of everything.This is great....." (long sigh)

*Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
>
>
>
>
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

2007-10-28 22:51:36 · 23 answers · asked by Pd 6

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
It's a period," reported Johnnie.
Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
Damned if I know", said Johnnie, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one, then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

2007-10-28 22:31:09 · 7 answers · asked by Pd 6

Jill hears that milk baths will make her beautiful so she leaves a note for her milkman asking for 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman reads the note, he thinks there must be a mistake so he knocks on the door. Jill answers the door and the milkman says 'I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?' Jill replies. 'No, I want 15 gallons, I'm going to fill by bathtub with the milk.' 'Pasteurised?' asks the milkman. 'No,' says Jill. 'Just up to my boobs.'

2007-10-28 22:15:46 · 12 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

The brunette sighs and says, "Oh, s**t, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2007-10-28 21:59:02 · 15 answers · asked by kelly 3

oscar drove his brand new mercedes to his favorite sports wear shop and parked right outside,he went in and started talking to his favorite blonde saleswomen jan who happily greeted him then he anounced he would look around the shop but would shout her over if he needed help. 5minutes later jan shouts oscar oscar someone has just drove off in your new car, oh my god the swines did you try to stop them ......

oh no i did better than that i got the licence plate number...............

2007-10-28 21:51:37 · 17 answers · asked by casha1 6

2007-10-28 21:45:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

2007-10-28 21:42:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

rainbow quiz answer must contain a colour 3.4.

2007-10-28 20:50:30 · 3 answers · asked by SHIRL 1

Its a riddle

2007-10-28 20:50:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know if this has been posted before but I think that it's funny and want to share with you all.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:






Always keep your condoms in your car........

2007-10-28 18:34:20 · 19 answers · asked by PC 7

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight." He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh ****", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."

2007-10-28 18:19:29 · 23 answers · asked by Kaualani E 3

recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry . If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1 . Whenever you're wrong, admit it ,
2 . Whenever you're right, shut up.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


From Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

2007-10-28 18:07:12 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

a man is at a river and has to get a sack of corn, a chicken, and a fox across the river. if he leaves the chicken and the corn together then the chicken will eat the corn. if he leaves the chicken and the fox together, the fox will eat the chicken. he can take only one thing in his small boat at a time. how does he get the chicken, bag a corn, and fox over the river?

2007-10-28 16:03:44 · 35 answers · asked by luciellama1996 1

Why do you drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway?

If the black box(Communications box) on an airplane is undestructible, then why isn't the whole airplane made of that material?

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can get closer to the sink.

If your feeet are for running, and your nose is for smelling, why do your feet smell and your nose run?

2007-10-28 15:56:04 · 7 answers · asked by Joey 2

Well....

2007-10-28 15:51:21 · 18 answers · asked by Chaz H 1

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration: "****! THIS
ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

2007-10-28 15:12:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men marooned on an island . After 2 years,they found a genie lamp, a genie came out and
told each one of them to make a wish, 1st guy asked for $1 Billion in the bank and a beach front mansion full of good looking chicks and beer!? Granted genie said and the guy was out of there ! 2ND guy sick of the beach, wishes for money and a mansion in the mountain next to the ski slopes. It's done and he got off the island. The last guy thinks for 5 minutes, genie tired of waiting, asked: "And what can i do for you ?". The guy said: It feels so lonely here, i wish my 2 friends back !??

2007-10-28 15:05:20 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical,
only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she's in the middle of her first run
for president, and as Senator of New York this has
happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's
going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you? I can't believe this! I just found
out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your
fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice . In
a barely audible whisper, he says,

"Who is this?"

2007-10-28 14:56:10 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok i was outside playing fire even though im not suppose to ok i get it ok n dont worry i have water hose and fire extinguisher near me.... ok i have this glass bottle that is section off in the middle and i top part it have a marble (its a design to the bottle) its a asian drink like a soda......ok here it is i stuck a paper towel in it to get the marble out and i pour some alcohal (the one that comes in a white bottle) anyways i pour it into the bottle and some went to the bottom and i light it and the paper towel flew out of the bottle like a cannon ball and hit my head and burnt some of my hair and the paper towel that is still on fire flew to my mom flowers and not to worry i put out the fire just in time so yeah and no the marble is still in the bottle ...after i cleaned up everything i went to the restroom and looked up at the mirror my was burnt and i was like OMG so i have to cut off the burnt hair

i told my gf about it and she think its very funny n never stopped laughing

2007-10-28 14:52:42 · 15 answers · asked by asian senorial 3

There was three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say "Just like those damn architects give us length when we wanted height.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

2007-10-28 14:27:12 · 7 answers · asked by mayo 2

Dr. Phil was walking down the street when he saw a little boy dragging a toothbrush on a string. Thinking he'd humor the boy, he said "I see you're taking your dog for a walk."
The boy gave him a strange look and asked "What dog? I've got a toothbrush on a string."
Surprised, Dr. Phil just goes "Oh, I see." Then he walked on.
After he'd gone, the little boy leans over to the toothbrush and whispers "We sure fooled him, didn't we Fido?"

2007-10-28 14:22:30 · 14 answers · asked by conicat 5

C'mon with me "I'm Standin' on a Corner in Winslow Arizona"

Follow this link - IT is one reason why I love the Southwest of this Country of OURS SOOOO MUCH!

http://www.winslowarizona.org/Visiting.htm

2007-10-28 14:18:31 · 7 answers · asked by Gerry 7