Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Little Jonny in the class one day.
Teacher is talking about families, in particular, dads, and what they do at the weekends.
Teacher asked Bob about his Dad,
"Well my Dad plays cricket at the we go and watch him" says Bob.
Teacher asked David.
"Well my Dad takes us all fishing and sometimes we catch fish" says David.
Teacher asked Jonny.
"Well my dad picks up strange men and for the right money he`ll let them do anything to him" !

The teacher bends down to little Jonny and says
"Oh Jonny, you poor thing, how awful for you,is that really true"?

Quietly Jonny says " No Miss it isn`t, he really takes us to watch
Manchester United but I was too ashamed to say"!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-29 23:51:05 · 12 answers · asked by suzanne p 4

This man buys a parrot and brings him home.
The parrot starts cursing the man and insulting
his wife. Finally, the man can't take it any longer
and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach him
a lesson.

The man and woman hear the parrot squalking really
loud for along time until finally it stops.
The man opens the freezer door and the parrot walks
out, looks up at them and says, "I apologize for
offending you and I humbly ask for your forgiveness."

The man says "Thanks, all is forgiven."
And the parrot says "If you don't mind me asking,
what did the frozen chicken do?"

2007-10-29 23:42:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

2007-10-29 23:41:05 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some Kittens Can Fly

Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

All Dogs Go to Hell

The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That’s Bad

Pop Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

Babar Meets the Taxidermist

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy’s Purse

The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

Barney: The Prison Years

2007-10-29 23:40:35 · 9 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

A little girl is in her back yard diggin a hole. The little girl is balling her eyes out and
the neighbor lady comes over to see what is wrong. "What is wrong dear child,"
"my Canary died," she responds.
"I'm sorry. but why such a big hole?"
"Your damn cat ate him."

2007-10-29 23:39:22 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

"It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. AND FINALLY At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

2007-10-29 23:38:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.Coca-Cola was originally green. It is impossible to lick your elbow.Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

2007-10-29 23:38:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderlyLady called 999 to report that her car has been broken into. She hysterically explains her situation to the Operator:"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"The Operator said, "Stay calm. A Police car is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."She got in the back-seat!>>>>>>>>Family:Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house.One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the others, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening.She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

2007-10-29 23:37:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I sure hope you water drinkers read this!!! It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feaces.In other words, we are consuming one kilo of s*it.However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk s*it than to drink water and be full of it !!

2007-10-29 23:37:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day we found an old straggly pussycat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, and smelled terrible. We named her "Pu*sy". We took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband said,"OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. "He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE who wanted the dirty cat NOT him. The vet calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," and my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people.A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had seen my husband arrive. He looked at my husband and in a loud voice said "Your wife's pu*sy is finally shampooed and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh I think she's pregnant.God alone knows who the father is!

2007-10-29 23:37:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

2007-10-29 23:36:22 · 14 answers · asked by CHUCKY 3

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fcuking difference?" asks the father? "That's what I said!"

2007-10-29 23:33:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered
"Oh,
about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and
asked what he would have? "A martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing , the latest basketball scores, and what to
expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool..... light beer for me, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This
time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,


"A-r-e...
y-o-u-r...
p-e-o-p-l-e...
g-o-i-n-g...
t-o.
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????

2007-10-29 23:13:11 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community

2007-10-29 23:03:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. " Hey lad" they say "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b’sta’ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".

2007-10-29 22:59:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

... The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

... You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

... You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

... If anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."

... You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

... Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

... You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."

... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

... You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

... The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

... You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

... One of your kids was born on a pool table.

... One or more of your kids were conceived on a pool table.

... Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

... You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

... You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

2007-10-29 22:58:34 · 8 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

Cards Hallmark doesn't make anymore:

1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mend. Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh, when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about it, she moved in with me.

7. You totaled your car and can’t remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

2007-10-29 22:57:11 · 5 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (That's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...

Common Tater

2007-10-29 22:49:00 · 3 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

2007-10-29 22:41:02 · 6 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

2007-10-29 22:38:17 · 9 answers · asked by br@ini@c 6

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

2007-10-29 22:26:10 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

2007-10-29 22:00:51 · 11 answers · asked by jpirathaj 2

You are on a island and there are three crates of fruit that have washed up in front of you. One crate contains only apples, one crate only contains oranges and the other crate contains both apples and oranges.

Each crate is labled. One reads apples, one reads oranges and one reads apples and oranges. You know that none of the crates have been labeled correctly, they are all wrong.

If you can only take out and look at just one of the pieces of fruit from just one of the crates, how can you lable all the crates correctly?

2007-10-29 20:53:28 · 10 answers · asked by collctor2 3

Please star if you liked this one. Thx.
----------
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check
out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.


When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here,
and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain
they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees
to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But Sir," he
says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

2007-10-29 19:03:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were three FAT men standing under one VERY small, pink umbrella. there was thunder and lightning but NO ONE got wet.

how is this possible???

2007-10-29 18:24:19 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

So a bus driver had a very tiring day. Working for 8 hours straight. On his last trip, an old lady boarded the bus and sat nearest to the bus driver. After a short while, the old lady gave the bus driver a handful of nuts. The bus driver gratefully accepted it. Then, a short while later, the old lazy gave the bus driver another handful of nuts. And this happened continuosly for some time. The bus driver then started to wonder why is the old lady being so nice. So he decided to ask her the next time she comes to offer him nuts. And so he did. This was her reply.




My teeth are very fragile and I cant bite the nuts. I only like the chocolate around them.

2007-10-29 17:05:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is 1+1? 2+2? 3+3? Note that the answers are not numbers. Good luck and have fun.

2007-10-29 16:20:15 · 5 answers · asked by Ryan 2

Three sailors land on an island where they find a pile of coconuts and a monkey. They agree to sleep overnight and divide up the pile in the morning. During the night, one sailor wakes up, gives one coconut to the monkey, takes exactly 1/3 of the rest, and falls back asleep. Then the second sailor wakes up and does the same. Later the third sailor wakes up and does the same. In the morning, there are fewer than 10 coconuts left. They each take 1/3. How many coconuts were there in the original pile?

2007-10-29 16:13:46 · 8 answers · asked by Moi, 3

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that
maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and
made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What in the name of god are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"



(You're gonna love this..... )







She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

2007-10-29 15:38:27 · 22 answers · asked by little star 4

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a genie appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

2007-10-29 15:19:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous