Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
Udder disaster!

What did the one tornado say to the other?
Let’s twist again like we did last summer.

What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
You make my temperature rise.

What happens when fog lifts in California?
UCLA!

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
My plop is bigger than your plop.

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

What did the tornado say to the other tornado?
You turn me on!

What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

Foul (fowl) weather.

2007-10-30 09:30:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 3 - one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of the light socket.

Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light
bulb?

A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.

Q. How many Massage Therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.

Q. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. They'd rather curse the darkness.

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.

2007-10-30 09:26:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.

2007-10-30 09:23:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

36in dd breasts,covered in warm belgium chocolate.....1inch erect nipples pierced with gold nipple rings topped with whipped cream.....clean shaven minge framed by an open crotched leather thong.....moist salty clit smothered in blackberry jam......this is not ordinary porn this is M&S porn !!!

2007-10-30 09:21:10 · 14 answers · asked by lorraine x 3

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

2007-10-30 09:20:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

2007-10-30 09:11:28 · 6 answers · asked by complicated 5

The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?

What is the item?

2007-10-30 09:04:41 · 2 answers · asked by Lola 2

2007-10-30 09:04:11 · 24 answers · asked by cmiln01 2

A woman in a jewellers breaks wind bending down 2 look at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks round embarrassed, & sees the salesman standing right behind her. Totally professional, he says "Good day Madam, how may i help you?" hoping he hadn't heard her 'accident', she asks "Sir, what's the price of this lovely ring?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price"

2007-10-30 08:50:04 · 17 answers · asked by MizKrazy 3

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide
open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because
they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke do you not understand?"

2007-10-30 08:28:51 · 8 answers · asked by complicated 5

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

2007-10-30 08:06:25 · 18 answers · asked by Megan 3

Two middle eastern women are talking to eachother and one says to the other " how is Ahmed these days?" and The other says oh he would be 23 next month but he was a martyr. "Oh my" said the other. "And how about Mohammd", asked the first lady. Well he would be 20 but he too decided to be a martyr, said the second lady.......
The first turns to the second and says... they blow up so fast these days don't they.

2007-10-30 07:54:25 · 12 answers · asked by n v 2

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After afew seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,and two locals sitting at the next table, Bruce (naturally) and Brian, turned tolook at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Bruce The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head. 'No!!!' With that, Bruce walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,pulled down her pants and ran his tongue up and down her bottom. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew outof her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bruce swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration

"Ya know Bruce, I'd heard of that blo-ody hind-lickmanouver but I'd never seen it in action.

2007-10-30 07:48:41 · 8 answers · asked by chris w. 7

What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or tweet

Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work

Who did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up!

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he goes into a bat

Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie

Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea

What kind of streets do zombies like to haunt the best?
Dead end streets

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count duckula

What's a monster's favourite play?
Romeo and ghouliet

Who does Dracula get letters from?
His fang club.

2007-10-30 07:41:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?'
Cos everyone was a goblin

Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A blood hound.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body

2007-10-30 07:37:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why can't witches have babies???
Why Can't Gypsies have babies? If you don't know ask me...

2007-10-30 07:36:11 · 4 answers · asked by Trix 4

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

2007-10-30 07:33:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

God appears to a man and says he'll have to quit fags, drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven. a week later God re-appears and asks how things are going... the man says 'the fags and drink where easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer, i couldn't resist and i had to give her one there and then!" god says 'They dont like that sort of thing in heaven..." man replies 'They dont like it in Tesco's either!!'

2007-10-30 07:14:30 · 3 answers · asked by *Xx Ashleigh xX* 3

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

2007-10-30 07:12:51 · 5 answers · asked by Megan 3

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or using lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the bl0wjob but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

2007-10-30 07:03:40 · 16 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2007-10-30 07:00:31 · 7 answers · asked by Megan 3

man phones up his new boss,me sick ,me not come to work today.his boss says when iam not well i go home and make love to my wife,that always picks me up .two hours later ,the man phones back and says me feel much better you have nice house..

2007-10-30 06:49:10 · 10 answers · asked by patto 1

Grandma says to young Grandson 'be a love and help me put this suppository in'.. 'Course i will gran" so she bends over pulls her knickers down and spreads her legs.
Grandson says 'Do i put it in the brown hole Gran? or do i feed it to the turkey?'

2007-10-30 06:25:55 · 7 answers · asked by *Xx Ashleigh xX* 3

i have an odd habit of going to crime scenes and laying in the chalk outlines. i even have a jacket that says "coroner" on it so nobody questions why i am there. i find it funny but my friends say its not who do you agree with them or me?

2007-10-30 06:24:19 · 10 answers · asked by Fu Quan 3

I am a 6 letter word.
Letters 6-5-2 spell out a drink.
Letters 4-5-2-3 spell out a fruit.
Letters 1-2-6 spell out a pet.
Letters 3-2-6 spell out a pest, which often gets eaten by 1-2-6.
What am I?

2007-10-30 05:51:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

only using two coins, you have to make 30 cents, but one is not a nickle.

2007-10-30 05:41:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man goes into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which one the young man wants.

The young man thinks for a while and replied “Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight is “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves happily.

Later that evening, he sits down and have dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

2007-10-30 05:35:11 · 20 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go

2007-10-30 05:32:59 · 11 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

2007-10-30 05:28:50 · 7 answers · asked by Esperanza 3

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-10-30 05:27:32 · 13 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4