Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
about his speed,
and in general began to throw his weight around
to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--
"Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around
the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says,
"Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.
I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers
to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says,
"Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says,
" Hard to fool them flies though. "

2007-10-24 13:16:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-24 13:15:46 · 24 answers · asked by Naruto 6

So Johnny was in kindergarden and one day his teacher asked him this question "If three birds are sitting on a fence and one gets shot how many are left?"
Johnny replies "none, if one got shot the other two would fly away"
The teacher says "Well thats not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you think"
Then Johnny asked the teacher if he could ask her a question. She said yes so he asked her this "There are three women eating ice cream, one is single one has a boyfriend and the other is married. One is lightly licking the ice cream, one is licking it harder and the last is shoving it down her throat. What one is married?"
The teacher gets nervous and says "well I suppose the one that is shoving it down her throat"
Johnny says "No its the one with the ring on her hand but I like the way you think"

2007-10-24 13:10:06 · 14 answers · asked by Sam B 5

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

2007-10-24 13:06:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

during breakfast, and they are arguing and as he leaves for work he screams "And you're no good in bed either!"

He later feels bad about what he said, so he phones home to apologise to his wife for his earlier comment. The phone rings and rings and rings, and he's starting to get really impatient. Suddenly his wife answers, and, very annoyed he demands "Why didn't you answer the phone quicker?"

"I was in bed" his wife says. "In bed???" he asks, "What the hell are you doing in bed at this time of the morning?"

"Getting a second opinion" says his wife.

2007-10-24 13:04:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A; so the english can understand them

paddy went to a turf accountant, to buy a lawn.

paddy saw a load of turf on a lorry, and said to murphy, thats what im gonna do when my lawn comes, send it away to be cut.

2007-10-24 13:00:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ken, an elderly gentleman shuffles into a drug store and asks for Viagra. That's no problem," says the pharmacist. "How many do you want?"

"Just a few, maybe four," says the pensioner. "But could you cut them in four pieces?"

"That won't do much good," replies the pharmacist.

Ken looks at him and sighs....."I'm 83 years old - I'm not interested in s*x anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pi*s in my shoes."

2007-10-24 12:54:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

He had a speech impediment. He walked up to the first door and knocked. A man came to the door and the kid said" Brick or breat!" The man said " Oh you mean trick or treat." So he went in and brought some candy to put in his sack. Then he asked " What are you supposed to be anyway.
?" The kid said a birate." The man then said " Well where are your bucaneers." The kid said " On my bucking head where are your bucking eyes?"

2007-10-24 12:38:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry
the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and
well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it
out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in
my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run
home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the
little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father
raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going
to step on it!"

2007-10-24 12:37:00 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

2007-10-24 12:36:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

so I called Life Line Crisis Assistance.

I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a plane...

2007-10-24 12:01:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did one whale say to the other

Im a killa whale

2007-10-24 11:52:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

so little susies sleeping in sunday school. The teacher asks "Susie, who created the universe?"
johnny, sitting behind susie, pokes her with a pin to wake her up and she jumps up, shouting "GOD ALMIGHY!"
"very good" says teacher, and continues. susie falls back asleep.
little later teacher says "Who is our lord and savior, susie?"
johnny pokes susie again and she jumps up"JESUS CHRIST!"
"very good, susie" says teacher, and once again susie falls asleep.
a while later the teacher says "susie, what did eve say to adam after their 23rd child?"
once again, johnnny pokes susie, even harder than before, and she jumps up and shouts "IF YOU STICK THAT F***ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

2007-10-24 11:42:26 · 11 answers · asked by whydoesitcrysmeagol 4

Bob entered a restaurant & sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. Jim, a nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon & set it on the table. Bob was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
Jim replied, "Yes, ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant...he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
Bob ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that a string is hanging from your fly?"
Jim replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my pen*s. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, & then return to work. Having never touched myself.....

2007-10-24 11:40:36 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my ti**."

2007-10-24 11:30:25 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Little Johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item.

She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY.

Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little Johny, its a button, But I like the way you think.

So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT.

Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a banana. The teacher replies, no little Johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think.

At this point little johny is furious.

Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD.

The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble.

Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think...... :)

2007-10-24 11:01:21 · 10 answers · asked by DJ 5

3 men are sitting in a sauna. they heard a bleeping sound. the American pressed his arm and the bleeping stopped. That was my pager, i have a Microchip in my arm.
The phone rings, Japanese man puts his palm to his ear.
That was my phone, i have a Microchip in my palm.
Pakistani man not to be out smarted, went to the toilet and come back with toilet paper hanging out of his ****. the others stared at him. he said,
Oh look i'm getting a fax !!!!!!!!

by the way i am a paki girl ! but i found this more than hilarious !

2007-10-24 10:47:32 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A son asks his dad the difference between 'realistically' and 'theoretically'.
Dad says thats hard, but i have an idea. Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for £1 million. Mum says yes.
Dad says now ask your sister if she would sleep with the coalman for £2 million. Sister says yes.
Well there you go son, thats your answer, THEORETICALLY we're sitting on £3 million, but REALISTICALLY we're living with two slags !

Sooo funny !

2007-10-24 10:41:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-24 10:29:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you will die?

2007-10-24 10:27:33 · 30 answers · asked by That Guy Drew 6

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

funny or not lol.

2007-10-24 10:20:40 · 10 answers · asked by ღ£Ðwå®Ðz§ løv£®ღ 7

Okay my friend at school is a complete idiot he always tells theese jokes that nobody could under stand. Do get it?


JOKE : What do you call a doq with no hind legs and metal balls?


ANSWER: Sparky\


Do make any sense to me, what about you?

2007-10-24 10:16:22 · 16 answers · asked by gadfgfrsdfer 3

that contained 3 elements - Religion, Sexuality, and Mystery.

Only one of the kids wrote a story worthy of an A+.

The story went like this:

"Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

2007-10-24 10:14:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1).Question: How can a girl make a guy eat sh*t?
Answer: Wipe Forward!!!!!!




2).During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted....

2007-10-24 10:10:40 · 8 answers · asked by Mel 5

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

2007-10-24 09:51:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all day long. Thank you.
Any more jokes?

2007-10-24 09:44:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I used that the person is so old that they've been to a speakeasy! But I need something funnier and possibly meaner.

2007-10-24 09:36:33 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy goes into a japenese bathhouse to get a good bath and massage. he looks at the list of services and sees the special, wax job 100.00 dollars. so he says I think I'm gonna like that!! so he goes up to the counter and ask for the special. he gets a towel and goes to a room and gets naked. a beatiful japanese lady comes in and starts to give hime a massage everywhere! and I mean everywhere! so he gets nice and aroused (if ya know what I mean!!) she takes off her big clog shoes and wham!!! smacks it right between her shoes and just like that the wax shoots out his ears!!!

2007-10-24 09:25:04 · 3 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

2007-10-24 09:21:52 · 11 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One was painted red. One was painted blue. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, 'Did you get my drift?'
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
What is a a webmaster's favourite hymn? Oh, .com all ye faithful!

2007-10-24 08:39:41 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous