Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

A site called Who Represents where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain... www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

2007-10-23 15:22:39 · 4 answers · asked by John 4

Well duh......they are plugged into a genius!!!!

2007-10-23 15:16:03 · 10 answers · asked by tinkiewinkietoo 3

Just curious.

2007-10-23 14:40:51 · 13 answers · asked by eer w 1

I need help with these:

1. JUGMENT

2.
R
O
O
M

ONLY

3.G U Y with m's inside the letters

4. Freu ian
d
5.STIR (with like little dash marks in each letter)

6. I Seeing I (the things on the ends might be lines or I's or 1's.)

7. The Tables (each letter is upside down)

Thanks!

2007-10-23 14:25:58 · 5 answers · asked by iMarty 4

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a very small member no more than half-an-inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples joined their normal partners. As they walked along Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

2007-10-23 14:15:48 · 33 answers · asked by Dana 2

."I've always liked Guinness in bottles,so I'd like a bottle of Guinness that will never empty,"Poof there it is.Paddy opens the bottle and takes a drink."Oh that's grand",says Paddy."Did you say I get 3 of these wishes?"Yes indeed",says the genie,""Great",says Paddy,"I'll have 2 more of these then".
********
A man is sitting at home when agenie pops up out of a bottle."And what will your 3 wish be?"asks the genie.The man replies,"What?How can I be getting a 3 wish when I haven't had a first or 2 wish?"You've had 2 wishes already,"replies the Genie."But your 2 wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your 1 wish."Okay,"says the man."I don't believe any of this,but what the hell.I wish I were irresistible to woman."That's funny",says the genie as it fades from sight."That was your first wish too".
****************
There me Duckes please no nasties,star if you like or bypass ok?
Love Yeah all.xxxx

2007-10-23 14:15:02 · 5 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?



Just Curious

2007-10-23 13:25:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

not my joke i saw it on myspace but star if you like! ^_^


A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

2007-10-23 13:19:05 · 15 answers · asked by ? 5

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

2007-10-23 13:15:51 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you heard that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are no longer BFF (Best Friends Forever)?

Nope. Nicole had enough last weekend. She and Paris teamed up for a poker tornement. Nicole's brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and Paris' blonde team, on the top. As the they were moving, she relized that she had heard very little from the top. So after a while, Nicole decided to go up and investigate. When she got to the top, she saw Paris and the other blondes curled up in fetal posisstion staring out the windows. "What's wrong?," she asked,"Me and my team are having a great time down there!" "Yeah, cried Paris, "But you have a driver!"

Good Job, Nicole! Who needs that dumb blonde?

2007-10-23 13:10:35 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening.'

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, and apparently he had the time of his life.'

2007-10-23 13:06:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that p*ssed in your saxophone last night!

2007-10-23 12:45:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Parents ask their young child to recite their (the child's) name, and the child purposely responds "Ham!"

Yes, yes, this is lame. Save me your grief. It's just that I've been having some disagreement with somebody over the validity of this as a joke.

2007-10-23 12:43:52 · 24 answers · asked by Very Polite Vampire 2

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m
on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

The bartender says “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the lady finishes her drink,
the lady to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old lady says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes
that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one,
too.”

The old lady says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he
gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old lady replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how
to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”

2007-10-23 12:38:24 · 25 answers · asked by treving 42 6

A man is standing on the edge of the grand canyon, and slips....
he manages to hold on to a branch, can't pull himelf up..."is there anyone there? he cries....
All of a sudden, a light shines from the abyss, he turns around and recognises Jesus.....
he says : 'Son, beleive in me,
repent your sins,
for the end is nigh...
when you fall, which you will,
I will bless you with eternal life.
Let go.

The man looks at jesus, looks up and goes ..... :
"Is there anybody else?"

2007-10-23 12:37:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.

Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what..

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.

2007-10-23 12:23:18 · 9 answers · asked by zakk 3

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."



Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."




Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.



She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,



"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."



He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, .. .. . .. . .
.








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

2007-10-23 12:08:03 · 9 answers · asked by sula 2

~.~I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
~.~A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!"
~.~mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
~.~The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table

2007-10-23 12:07:29 · 7 answers · asked by blueanglexxx 3

one day johnny goes into town meets this pretty young gal he goes home happy to tell his dad oh his father says you cant date sally why dad well son in my younger years i got around the next day johnny meets another girl he goes to his dad same story after about five girls johnny cant take it no more he goes to his mom she laughs with a chucle tells johnny to date any one he pleases cause he aint your dad

2007-10-23 12:04:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Pls star if you like it.................

2007-10-23 12:02:03 · 13 answers · asked by Hope 6

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Star if you liked it..........

2007-10-23 11:54:51 · 11 answers · asked by Hope 6

... to get Peter off the couch to go for a walk?

2007-10-23 11:43:45 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

2007-10-23 11:41:47 · 16 answers · asked by Whoever_U_Are 3

tortoise loses its shell , is it homeless or naked?

why dont sheep shrink when it rains ? ( wolly jumpers do in the machine )

why do bees hum ? ( they dont know the words )

was i born in Australia ? ( my feet smell and my nose runs )

2007-10-23 11:40:03 · 4 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

2007-10-23 11:33:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

2007-10-23 11:27:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Oh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!"

2007-10-23 11:25:04 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in."

2007-10-23 11:24:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

* Nike Condoms: Just do it.
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
* Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
* Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
* Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
* Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
* Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
* Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
* Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
* Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
* California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
* Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
* EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
* KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
* Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
* Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today?
* Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
* Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
* Timex: Takes a licking and keep on ticking.
* McDonald's: Over 1 billion served.
* Volkswagon: Drivers wanted.
* Porsche: There is no substitute
* What was that brand of women's high heel shoe?: Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker.
* Quaker Oats: Do the right thing.
* Life Cereal: He Like's It! He Like's It!
* Johnson & Johnson: No more tears...
* Wheaties Condoms: Condom of Champions

2007-10-23 11:24:16 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

2007-10-23 11:22:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous