Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.
Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what..
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
2007-10-23 12:23:18 · 9 answers · asked by zakk 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Funny, but anyone who puts their wife through that kind of crap doesn't deserve them.
2007-10-23 12:29:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
is he working late because he doesn't really have a choice? i know i sometimes get frustrated by my husband's hours (i thought we had agreed that if we had 4 kids he would need to be home more) but then i realize he's under tremendous pressure at work to get more done than he could in a shorter day (and that he'd rather be at home if he had a choice). as for the diaper thing ... i know it's hard but i think you need to let him do it his way. a rough couple of diaper changes, or 2 minutes of crying, isn't going to kill him or the baby. often dads do things differently than moms, and that's not always a bad thing. everybody has a learning curve. he was probably worried he'd hurt the baby somehow. i'm sure 100 diapers from now he will have his own speedy method that may not be the same as yours. if the mom is always trying to teach the dad how they're "supposed" to do something, the dad starts feeling like it's really "mom's" kid, not theirs ... and that's big trouble. (also, i know listening to my child cry for 2 minutes when they were newborns made me out-of-my-mind crazy. but i think it's hormones. unless the baby's actually being hurt (unlikely even in a troublesome diaper change) it's not the end of the world if they're crying for a short time. it only seems like it to a mom beset by hormones. i've noticed guys usually have a longer fuse for when they think the crying needs attention. i've noticed because of that that the guys are often better at things like getting the kids to sleep through the night.....) as for the drinking thing ... that's a safety issue, and you need to talk to your husband about it. maybe just suggest that he have his winding-down beer after the baby gets put to bed? babies (and sleep-deprivation) are stressful no matter how long you've wanted them. things get easier as they sleep better and your family gets a new routine. hang in there, and be patient with your husband.....
2016-04-10 00:44:21 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is funny as a joke, but anyone who does this in real life to their wife on purpose all the time is a real jerk and doesn't deserve her. The proper title for this should have been "How to get your wife to divorce you"
2007-10-23 12:51:34 · answer #3 · answered by Do you care? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ha Ha! Funny! 10!
2007-10-23 12:28:20 · answer #4 · answered by cats 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
How long ago did your wife leave you?
2007-10-23 19:11:42 · answer #5 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Zak, i presume your single. very good.....10/10
2007-10-23 20:04:23 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm assuming your wife left you huh
2007-10-23 12:29:47 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
funny but wrong!
2007-10-23 12:57:37 · answer #8 · answered by Kristina[ADM] 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow thanks i can use that fir my ex-Friend
2007-10-23 12:26:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋