Jokes & Riddles - October 2007

A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.

The passage way was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the gracious professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, "I always do."

2007-10-31 11:15:44 · 13 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

2007-10-31 11:15:43 · 12 answers · asked by Trucky 5

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.

The man tried his best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for him. He asked her ,"Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

2007-10-31 11:13:52 · 18 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Grandma had never been sick in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the flu sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time she was tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, she spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night," said the nurse, "just press that button. It will turn on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty"

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "I'm the sick one around here. If the nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

2007-10-31 11:11:30 · 15 answers · asked by Sparky 5

John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

2007-10-31 11:09:20 · 13 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Marcy knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it you did, Marcy?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Five times a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, moved the little curtain in the confessional, took a good look at her, and said, "Marcy, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake

2007-10-31 11:07:47 · 11 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

2007-10-31 11:04:43 · 7 answers · asked by Trucky 5

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

2007-10-31 11:04:10 · 13 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,propped up prominently on the pillow, that was addressed to'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands read the letter.Dear Dad:It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because, I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,tattoos,tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. Butit's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy'shouse. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

2007-10-31 11:03:50 · 8 answers · asked by d s 3

After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume fer me lass at home?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a wee bit much," said Clarence.

So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still a wee bit much," Clarence groused.

Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 sample bottle.

"What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

2007-10-31 10:57:30 · 14 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A nursing home resident, suffering from dementia, decided to shed all of her clothes and "streak."

She passed two male residents sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway.

The first male asked the second, "Who was that?"

"I THINK it was 'Miss Rita,'" answered his friend.

"Well, what was that she had on?"

"I don't know," he considered, "but I think it needs ironing."

2007-10-31 10:54:43 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 5

The Irish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad.
Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And an hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband.
"Strawberry, cherry, banana..."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.

2007-10-31 10:51:02 · 7 answers · asked by Trucky 5

My wife's psychiatrist just called me and said, "Did you know she was going to poison you?"

I said, "No! What do you suggest?"

"After talking to her for three hours, my suggestion to you is to take the poison."

2007-10-31 10:48:29 · 10 answers · asked by Sparky 5

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and ... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other .
"Look Paddy ... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!

2007-10-31 10:41:00 · 8 answers · asked by d s 3

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ***."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."

With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

2007-10-31 10:09:50 · 11 answers · asked by mandynjoseph 3

what's the beginning of eternity,
the end of time and space,
the beginning of the end,
and the end of every place?


First one to answer correctly gets best answer.

2007-10-31 09:59:01 · 22 answers · asked by mandynjoseph 3

i had this poem for about 8 years, be easy on me. here goes.

his lips are like honeysuckle strawberries bond to be kissed.
his looks are so striking how can i resist.
his words he spit through his rhymes are so fly
he so strong and find, i know he is my type of guy.
the love i have for him makes me quiver, it takes the soul out of me, he makes my heart shiver. i said it yesterday, and i will say it today, i think i am in love with LL COOL J! LOL

I USE TO REALLY LIKE HIM WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, BUT SINCE I GOT OLDER, IT DIED DOWN. BUT I STILL LOVE HIM. I WAS 16 NOW I AM 23. my friend inspire me to right a poem about him in 10th grade, he use to like brittney spears sooooooooooo. he was going to make a poem about her, sooo why not make one on ll cool j.

2007-10-31 09:58:47 · 1 answers · asked by dimples (loves llcoolj) 4

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous
throughout the entertainment industry for being
more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland, he
asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds.

Holding his audience spellbound for two minutes,
he finally said into the microphone: "Every time
I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies!"

A voice from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet . . .

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd

2007-10-31 09:54:40 · 1 answers · asked by surveyman5285 3

I wanna hear other answers than, shake the boogey out of it. Be creative; most creative gets 10 points.

2007-10-31 09:52:03 · 3 answers · asked by "Johns" 7

Best joke gets 10 points but:

1. Must not be a one-two liner joke
2. Must be a blonde joke
3. Must be funny!

2007-10-31 09:51:23 · 13 answers · asked by Forksided 3

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.
Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said,

"Do you know what your a*** h*** is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"

She replied,
"Probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

2007-10-31 09:40:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Differential Diagnoses:

-Everyone's born with it.
-It's not contagious.
-Easily curable with one treatment.
-May cause negative psychological side effects later in life.

2007-10-31 09:27:29 · 10 answers · asked by Dr. AjC ♍ 3

How many stars do u think I'll get?

2007-10-31 09:22:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-31 09:21:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Click on this page

http://www.eyetricks.com/scary_optical_illusion2.htm

Look at the pic, you'll see a room, there's something not quite right with it.

1st to come back with the answer gets 10 points.

Hint: concentrate on the centre of the room, it might take you a minute to get it

I love this puzzle and you'll know why once you'ved sussed the answer

2007-10-31 09:20:35 · 19 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

A man on the second floor of a hospital there for intestinal problems accidently soils his sheets. In embarassment he takes them off of the bed and throws them out the window. The sheets fall on a drunk man walking along the side walk. He starts thrashing wildly trying to get the soiled sheets off of him. A security guard is watching the whole thing and laughing at the antics of the drunk man. After the drunk man finally frees himself from the soiled sheets the guard says, "Now that was funny. What were you doing?" The drunk man replied, "I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost!"

2007-10-31 08:58:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

why don't you ever see the headline "psychic wins lottery"?

2007-10-31 08:42:38 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-10-31 08:24:39 · 10 answers · asked by inquiring black beauty 3

The Blonde and Her Melons

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''

''Melons,'' the blonde replies.

''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''

The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''

2007-10-31 08:20:54 · 14 answers · asked by the mrs:) 4

Did Count Dracula ever have fillings?
Did Frankenstien's monster get his shoes on NHS prescription?
Did count Dracula go to the blood bank to make a withdrawal?
Happy Halloween Everybody and have a peaceful and happy evening.

2007-10-31 08:16:03 · 15 answers · asked by thanimalay@btinternet.com 2