Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

It's not the way it looks. The beauty of the English language!

2006-11-01 02:02:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the doctors and says "i am really worried about my wife, i am not sure if she has altzimers or aids!"
The doctor replies "well,i shall tell you what to do. Take here way out into the countryside miles from home and drop her there, if she returns home dont **** her!!!!!"

2006-11-01 02:00:49 · 22 answers · asked by Raquel 2

eeemmmmm, just make sure that its ...........................good

2006-11-01 01:59:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband, wife, and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate”. The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla”.
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want
fat head?"
The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and
call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting
there (outside) that's my nice truck!!!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice
big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pu*ssy, and I had that
until fat head came along!!!"

2006-11-01 01:52:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-01 01:46:09 · 22 answers · asked by ajd140578 1

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with
colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases
have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could do with more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?

>>>2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
>>>INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking power-crazy b*tch.
>>>
>>>3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
>>>INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
>>>
>>>4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
>>>INSTEAD OF: F*ck off a*se-wipe.
>>>
>>>5) TRY SAYING: Really?
>>>INSTEAD OF: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole.
>>>
>>>6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
>>>INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.
>>>
>>>7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
>>>INSTEAD OF: Not my f*cking problem, mate.
>>>
>>>8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
>>>INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
>>>
>>>9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the
>>>given
>>>timescale.
>>>INSTEAD OF: No f*cking chance mate.
>>>
>>>10) TRY SAYING: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
>>>INSTEAD OF: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?
>>>
>>>11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
>>>INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.
>>>
>>>12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
>>>INSTEAD OF: Oi, f*ck face.
>>>
>>>13) TRY SAYING: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
>>>INSTEAD OF: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.
>>>
>>>
>>>Thank You,
>>>Human Resources

2006-11-01 01:45:47 · 13 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

Man & wife can't get on, in fact they hate each other. After an almighty row the man kills her. He can't think of how to dispose of the body, but after a few hours thought he says to himself......'I know! 'I'll cut her up, make sandwiches, and take them to work.'..Next morning he goes to the building site & at break time gives everyone a sandwich. After 15 minutes Pete shouts.....'Hey Derek!..........'Your lass sure makes a lovely sandwich!!!'

2006-11-01 01:44:53 · 12 answers · asked by kev3753 1

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine ? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS... Need to dispose of a body ? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Parcel Force..... You will never see it agai

2006-11-01 01:26:13 · 13 answers · asked by valleylaydee85 2

I was in bed last night when there was a knock at the door at 2.30am. I got up,opened the door in my dressing gown,and there was a large man standing there with a big drum. I took one look at him and told him to beat it!

2006-11-01 01:09:40 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do they have in common: a bra, and politics

answ. 1. they both devide the left from the right
2. they hold the masses
3. attract the people...

just heared it, but i think my translation from greek isn't that good..:((

2006-11-01 01:07:00 · 13 answers · asked by mario_rew 2

I have just had 2 emails from yahoo saying that my last two jokes posted have been removed because they could cause offence.

Might I say that THIS IS A JOKE SECTION.

Jokes are not meant to be taken seriously..... they are just for fun.. THEY ARE JOKES.

I have replied to yahoo stating that they should therefore remove all jokes which could cause offence to someone, and if they did, then this section would cease to be...

So before you all start saying "This is not a question".. my question is "What do you think"

Am I right in thinking that there are too many people in here that are so far up their own as**s that they wouldnt know humour if it was dropped on their pathetic heads?

Ok ive had my rant now... but all im saying guys is this is a joke section and if jokes may offend you then F**k off somewhere else or we will be left with silly "Why did the chicken cross the road" Jokes.

Oh damn, here comes another letter from yahoo.... Ive upset POULTRY!!!

Bye!

2006-11-01 01:05:51 · 16 answers · asked by ukdeveloper 3

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

2006-11-01 01:00:18 · 14 answers · asked by Citizen 1

During WW11 an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all faced death by shooting by the Gestapo.
First up the Englishman, he is tied to the post and refuses a final request. The commander tells his men ready, aim, suddenly the Englishman shouts "Hirricane" all the soldiers panic and run so the Englishman makes his escape.
Second up is the Scotsman, he is tied to the post and refuses his final request, The commander again orders his men, ready, aim, the Scotsman shouts out "Lightning" all the soldiers panic and run, the Scotsman also manages his escape.
Third up the Irishman, having seen what has been going on, he is tied to the post, refuses a final request, The commander orders his men, ready, aim, the Irishman confidently shouts out "FIRE"

2006-11-01 00:56:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

2006-11-01 00:55:17 · 22 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Paddy & Murphy at work on their lunch. Paddy has egg sandwiches, so he asks Murphy what kind of sandwiches he has ......'Paste!' Murphy replies.......'What kind of paste, chicken, salmon, sardine?' Says Paddy.........'Crab!' says Murphy....Paddy tells him he's never had crab paste before & asks if he can try one.So Murphy gives him a sandwich.........'Not bad!' says Paddy 'Where did your wife get this from?'..........'Chemist!!'.... Replies Murphy

2006-11-01 00:49:39 · 14 answers · asked by kev3753 1

tell me something funny...that may make me full of laughter

2006-11-01 00:49:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

2006-11-01 00:45:10 · 12 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Ok my clue for my present is "its round but its not always around" any ideas what the present might be?

2006-11-01 00:40:20 · 4 answers · asked by Southern Belle 3

if you have it, you want to share it.
If you share it, you dont have it.
what is it?

2006-11-01 00:39:34 · 11 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

2006-11-01 00:38:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i parked in a disabled parking space the other day and the car parka ttendaent saw me get out the car. he shouted
oi mate what is your disability. i replied
tourettes you c*nt now f*ck off you stupid w@nker.

2006-11-01 00:34:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though
>>they
>> >>>hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
>> >>>yelling could be heard deep into the night.
>> >>>
>> >>>The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and
>> >>>Out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of
>>your
>> >>>life!"
>> >>>
>> >>>Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic --
>> >>>because of the many strange occurrences that took place in
>>their
>> >>>neighborhood.
>> >>>
>> >>>The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's
>> >>>relief, he died of a heart
>>attack.
>> >>>
>> >>>His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she
>> >>>went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there
>> >>>was no tomorrow.
>> >>>
>> >>>Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
>>afraid
>> >>>that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the
>>grave
>> >>>and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
>> >>>
>> >>>The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him
>> >>>Buried upside down...."

2006-11-01 00:32:01 · 12 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

The Governer of a Texas prison was preparing to give the death sentance to one of his inmates. Since there hadn't been an execution for over 30 years he decided to get in an electrician to test out the electric chair.
A week later the Governer came through to see how the electrician was getting along.
He came in to find the chair in hundreds of small pieces all over the floor.
The electrician told him, Well, it's just as well you called me in, this thing is a death trap!!!

2006-11-01 00:30:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

On approaching the bar he pulls up a stool and asks the bartender for a drink of scotch. Then he says do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?

Quickly the female to his left says, "Sir as you are blind and all I think it is only fair that I warn you.........I am a blonde biker and this is a lesbian bar" and I can give you good reasons why you shouldn't tell that joke here!

The Blind man says "ok" "please go ahead and tell me why".

The biker replies “the bartender is also a blonde woman who keeps a baseball bat behind the bar”.

“The woman to my left is blonde and a black belt in Karate”.

“There is a female to your right who is a professional wrestler and also a blonde”.

Now, knowing this do you still want to tell that blonde joke in this bar?

The gentleman stops and thinks for one second then replies,

No, No you are quite right............................................. I don’t want to explain it 4 times!

2006-11-01 00:30:14 · 10 answers · asked by scottleigh89 1

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get
here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been
no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

2006-11-01 00:29:23 · 17 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there

-Charlie Viracola

2006-11-01 00:27:07 · 10 answers · asked by ® Espresso ® 4

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they
wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the
word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell
your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what
her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a
letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went
back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the
daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her
father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

2006-11-01 00:24:40 · 15 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother
asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”
“That’s a nice thing to do, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”
“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”

2006-11-01 00:21:52 · 14 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

be imaginative peeps

2006-11-01 00:21:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man goes to the docs......'Doctor i've got a terrible pain in my stomach & there's something hanging from my anus'...Doctor has a look & finds a piece of lettuce which he pulls...The man screams in agony,so the doc tells him...'You've got a piece of lettuce sticking out'........'But the bad news is'.......'It's just the tip of the iceberg'

2006-11-01 00:15:39 · 20 answers · asked by kev3753 1