Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A Killer of a Riddle
I can be calming to some, and annoying to others.
I am asked for in prayer, especially by mothers.
I am there when you sleep, but gone when you rise.
Everybody needs me, especially the wise.
If you think I don't exist, it is quite the contrary.
You can always find me at your local library.

A Key to Success
I have some friends in low places, and some that get high.
I am usually found in bars, but a drink I never buy.
I step on a scale, not to weigh but to measure.
And if the reading is right, I can bring you much pleasure.
Sometimes I can be sharp, but naturally, I come out flat.
The alphabet I know from A to G, but none after that.

Coming Out of My Shell
Some say I am big, but really I am not.
I blush under pressure, especially when hot.
I curl up by the fire, like a small sleeping pup.
Just waiting for my owners to come butter me up.
You can find me while surfing, or using the net.
Just keep me in the water...I prefer staying wet.

2006-11-01 07:08:53 · 17 answers · asked by clone1973 5

An old man is riding in a lift with two glamorous women. One woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag and sprays her neck. She turns to the other woman and says, "Romance by Ralph Lauren...£150 an ounce."
The other woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag, sprays herself, and says, "Chanel No.5...£200 an ounce"
The lift stops and the doors open. The old man steps out and lets off a huge rumbling fart. As the doors close he looks back at them and says..."Broccoli, 49p a pound." :)

2006-11-01 07:01:19 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I M me to talk, I'll talk about anything! :)

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.
As he is sitting there talking with her, he
notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in
front of him.

'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks
the lady.

'Help yourself,' she replies.

After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up
to leave and notices that he has eated almost all
of the peanuts in the bowl.

'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I
only meant to eat a few.'

'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my
teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the
chocolate off of them.'

2006-11-01 06:44:42 · 23 answers · asked by kisme86 3

In my wild youth I traveled a lot. Twice, when I passed through Paris, I tried to seduce a young woman on the Eiffel Tower. In my doddering age of today I link the occaisons to the name of an American city so I won't forget them.

2006-11-01 06:35:16 · 8 answers · asked by Terry 7

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

2006-11-01 06:30:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald says "No."

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

2006-11-01 06:27:02 · 16 answers · asked by chij onpala 1

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceded on home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

2006-11-01 06:25:32 · 20 answers · asked by chij onpala 1

Apparently 1 in 5 people are chinese, and there is 5 people in my family, that means one of them must be chinese. I suppose it could be my mam or dad, my older brother Colin or even my younger sister Ho-Chan-Chu. But i think it's Colin.

2006-11-01 06:24:59 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

2006-11-01 06:24:03 · 15 answers · asked by chij onpala 1

A couple was sitting up waiting for their 13 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi mom! Hi Dad" he said breathlessly. "Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son, you talk to him" Then she left the room,
The father said "son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it"?
"That's ok, Dad" said the boy..."I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my *** is too sore!!!!!"

2006-11-01 06:23:17 · 14 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

A brain walks into a bar and asks the landlord for a set of jumpleads, but the gaffer tells him to get out as your barred. "You what" say's the brain "I've never been in here before." "Do one" say's the landlord "your out of your head and trying to start something."

2006-11-01 06:20:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they are plugged into a genius

2006-11-01 06:19:06 · 24 answers · asked by bit of fluff 2

What is it that you cannot hold even ten minute, even though it is lighter than a feather?

2006-11-01 06:13:32 · 10 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

My top and bottom are twins of a kind.
The middle of me makes one body combined.
I'm used to pass time and provide quite a thrill.
If I stand tall and still, run faster I will

2006-11-01 06:11:38 · 9 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

one day a hippie got on a bus he got on and sat down on the bus there was a nun the nun got off at the church latter the hippie is getting off the bus driver asked him do you like the nun hippie answers yes why bus driver i know where shes going to be tonight hippie really where bus driver at the cemetery at Robby nets grave latter the hippie go to the grave and holds a gun to the nun head he say have sex with me or i kill you the nun says OK as long as its in the but so i don't lose my virginity he says OK after there done the hippie pulls off his costume and says haha I'm the hippie them the nun pulls off hers and go's haha I'm the bus driver

2006-11-01 06:09:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes,
>crates,and suitcases.

>On the second day, she had the movers come to collect her things.
>On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
>
>dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,
>and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
>Chardonnay.

>When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
>a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
>curtain rods.

>She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

>When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
>the first few days. Then slowl y, the house began to smell.
>They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
>Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

>Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
>they had to move out for a few days, and in the end
>they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

>Nothing worked.

>People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
>house.

>The maid quit.

>Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
>A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
>could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

>Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to
>return their calls.

>Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money fro m the bank to
>purchase a new place.

>The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
>He told her the saga of the rotting house.

>She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
>terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in
exchange for getting the house back.

>Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
>price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if
>she were to sign the papers that very day.

>She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

>I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

>A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
>the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,
>including the curtain rods.

2006-11-01 06:06:06 · 7 answers · asked by shaqmc21 2

Two blondes walk into a building....


You would think ,one of them would have saw it.

2006-11-01 06:05:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you know this?
I know someone who thinks your an owl?

2006-11-01 06:04:58 · 6 answers · asked by helpme1 5

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/g/i/2062/

2006-11-01 06:04:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Unfaithful"
Arriving home early from work one day. I heard the wife moaning upstairs. She must be on the toilet I thought to myself! Getting up the stairs myself, turned out, she was only in bed with my best friend, my Next door neighbour, I was shocked, stunned flabberghasted, choking and stuttering, I cried out to him How could you, I can't comprehend, don't understand! I mean I have to, you don't!

Grabbing him by the bollocks and holding real tight with an iron grip, I dragged him all the way down the stairway. He was whimpering - you can't thrown me out naked man. I never answered, instead dragged him through the kitchen. Grabbing the largest bread knife I could find on route. He screamed for mercy you can't cut it off man, please! I remained silent, dragged him into the back garden into the shed Jammed his manhood in to my work bench vice, and then smashed the handle off that vice!

Don't cut it off man, please, he screamed! Oh, I'm not going to I said, picking up a can of Lawn Mower Pertol and handing him the Knife I said you are, I'm setting the shed on fire!
Joke from Roy Chubby Brown UK Comedian

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One and a half foot!"
On their wedding night, Young Dianne says to new hubby, If you don't remove your socks, I am not getting in bed at all.
Hubby is determined not to remove the socks. Dianne argues he is perhaps kinky!
Hubby eventually gives in, all right he says, I have hid this from you all through our courting days though. Look! Removing the socks, one foot is only half there!
I lost it during an accident at work he explains it embarrasses me!
Dianne runs down stairs. Ever so upset she telephones her Mom. Sobbing on the phone, she cries to her Mom, he only has a foot and a half!
Mother replies hHang on young lady, you pack your bags get back home, tell him I am on my way over!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before we make Love she said, I must tell you the truth, look! She slipped off a wig and was bald as can be! Oh that's Ok you look sexy he replied.
Wait, but wait there is more she then said. She removed padding from her Bra slipped out her glass eye, removed a false hand removed a false leg!
I am going down stairs he said. Just, throw it down when you are ready!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Multi floor tower block, young lad walking by, a Glass eye hits him on the head! Looking up, he spies a Blonde lady waving frantically at him. He picks the eye up and takes it to the frantic lady.

She pops it back in and thanks him. They get chatting. He asks if he can call in again as he enjoyed her company, he passes that way often he explains. Sure she said, I'll keep an eye out for you then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Tommy walks into bathroom. He catches Mom in the shower. She is washing between her legs. Tommy notes blood. Mom, mom you are bleeding. She panics and tries to hide herself feeling ashamed. What happened?
Mom what happened he asks! Damn she thinks how do I explain to a youngster. Oh she said without thought. Dad got to close with the car, and the wing mirror caught and cut me. Woah shouted Tommy what a good shot he cut your willy off!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2006-11-01 06:03:14 · 5 answers · asked by chij onpala 1

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) Has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

2006-11-01 05:59:37 · 6 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

One says to the other "can you smell fish?"

2006-11-01 05:59:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

the 199th person who replies to this with the word 'hello' will be rewarded with 10 points

2006-11-01 05:58:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

You may have heard this one before!!

Ok picture the scene, all the super heroes are at a huge party.
It's getting late though and Batman says to Robin, I'm feeling tired, I'm going upstairs and get our coats.
So off he goes.
About half an hour later he appears, he tells Robin, blimey, you'll never guess what just happened.
What? asks Robin
Well, says Batman, while I was upstairs looking for our coats I walked past a door that was half open, so I peeked in side and there lying on the bed was Wonder Woman, stark naked legs up in the air.
Well what did you do asked Robin?
Well says Batman, I stripped off all my clothes took a run and jumped right on top of her.
Wow, said Robin, I bet she got a surprise.
Yes, replied Batman, but not half as much as the Invisable Man.

Hope ya all like:-)
Plenty more where that came from hehehe

2006-11-01 05:58:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-01 05:51:09 · 10 answers · asked by shaqmc21 2

because they cant stand criticism

2006-11-01 05:49:25 · 23 answers · asked by bit of fluff 2

lisa picked her mother up to go to the old chaps home
they got there early
so sat up to make her appointment to live there for this time
while that was being done jenny ( the mother ) was sitting on a chair
and a nurse was watching over her and jenny was leaning over
seaming to like she was falling off the chair
the nurse put her back straight and continued to watch her
jenny then leaned over again
so she again was put back straight

2 weeks later lisa come to visit her mother
she said ' yeah so how do you like your new home '
her mother answerd saying ' yeah it's all right but they just wont let me fart '

2006-11-01 05:48:02 · 14 answers · asked by chij onpala 1

I am four letters long
I can be seen in the sky
I am the ocean & I am the sea
Can you guess me ?

2006-11-01 05:45:53 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich man's son was kidnapped. The ransom note told him to bring a valuable diamond to a phone booth in the middle of a public park. Plainclothes police officers surrounded the park, intending to follow the criminal or his messenger. The rich man arrived at the phone booth and followed instructions but the police were powerless to prevent the diamond from leaving the park and reaching the crafty villain. What did he do?

2006-11-01 05:42:36 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy lives on th 50th floor in a hotel. Every morning he wakes up, gets dressed, gets in the elevator, pushes L for Lobby. Gets out, gets a newspaper, gets back in the elevator and pushes floor 25, then walks the rest of the way up. Why?

2006-11-01 05:41:57 · 15 answers · asked by cia939 2