Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-01 05:39:18 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bloke goes to see his doctor
He says Doc I've been having these really bad stomach pains and trouble going to the toilet.
His Doc tells him, I'm going to prescribe you some supositories, take them twice a day for a week.
A week later the bloke is back at his doctors.
He says those tablets you gave me, they didn't work at all.
His doc asks him, what did you do swallow them??
The man replies, well what did you think I did with them, shove them up my a***???

2006-11-01 05:35:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it.
Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"



One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

2006-11-01 05:31:19 · 9 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

so men can remember them
and before anyone says that i must really hate men i dont

2006-11-01 05:27:10 · 25 answers · asked by bit of fluff 2

Theater Etiquette
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

2006-11-01 05:22:52 · 6 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

Personal Hygiene
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.

there is more

2006-11-01 05:21:55 · 6 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

General
* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

there is more that will con.

2006-11-01 05:20:14 · 8 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

2006-11-01 05:16:23 · 9 answers · asked by bit of fluff 2

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde.

As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms."

2006-11-01 05:10:40 · 6 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

becauseyou dont know when hes coming, how many inches you will get or how long it will last ....
lol

2006-11-01 05:08:37 · 18 answers · asked by bit of fluff 2

Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper

2006-11-01 05:07:42 · 12 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

One day a blonde decides to stand up for herself, and prove that you can be blonde without being stupid. So she decides to learn all the states' capitals.

After she does that she goes up to a man, and tells him to pick a state and she will name its capital.

The man says, "Montana."

The blonde replies, "Capital M."

2006-11-01 05:06:13 · 4 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The bartender is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. SO -- do you still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

2006-11-01 05:04:52 · 9 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were walking in the desert, when they found a magical lamp.

They decided to rub it, and in doing so released a Genie.

'Mortals, i am Ali Baba, i will grant you 3 wishes'

The Irishman asked for Ireland to remain forever beautiful, and wished for peace. With a click of his fingers, the genie gave this to them

The Scotsman called 'Genie, i wish for Scotland to be surrounded by a wall so tall that no English invader will ever defile our Glens again!' With a click of his finegrs, the genie gave Scotlands its wall.

The Englishman came forward. 'genie, can nothign enter this wall?'

'No Mortal'

'So no one can leave?'

No Mortal'

'Then fill it with water'


:P

2006-11-01 05:04:42 · 11 answers · asked by thomas p 5

I think the US elections will be held without a single insult being hurled or a single lie being told.

2006-11-01 04:58:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.



You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.



Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.



Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

2006-11-01 04:56:40 · 11 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.



This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.



Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.



Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

2006-11-01 04:55:22 · 8 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

2006-11-01 04:52:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

-help wanted, must be organized, able to type and be bilingual-
the dog walks in the office. the hiring manager sees the dog in front of him and is stunned. she says: "i'm sorry, but we don't hire animals. why you wouldn't know how to even organize anything". so the dog picks up a pile of documents and organizes in a perfect alphabetical order. the manager is surprised, but still imposes: "that was impressive, but i'm sure that dogs can't even type". so the dog heads to a computer and types a 1000 word essay in under 5 minutes. now the manager is really awed by what she sees: "wow, amazing. but still we wouldn't be able to hire you. you don't even speak a second language". so the dog looks at her and says: "meow".

2006-11-01 04:47:01 · 14 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

are you still young if the morning after the nigh before, still makes the night before worth the morning after?

2006-11-01 04:43:59 · 18 answers · asked by el_barto_ash 1

So, in St. Louis, kids tell jokes when they go trick-or-treating. I heard that they don't do that in other cities. Is this true?

2006-11-01 04:43:47 · 12 answers · asked by Annabelle418 4

A man goes into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms.
The pharmacist says I'm really sorry, we have just ran out,
Why don't you try Boots.
He replies, Boots? I want to break her in not boot her in.




A lady went into the same chemist and asks for a bag of cotton wool.
The pharmacist replies "Oh, do you roll your own??


I went into Boots the chemist the other day, they have a huge display of Tampax, with a sign above saying "For the Christmas period only"


What do you do if an elephant comes down your chimney??



Swim for your life!!



How do you know if an elephant has had it off??

Your grass is flat and your bin-liners are missing!!

I apologise for these jokes, I just couldn't help myself. hahaha

2006-11-01 04:42:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The judge says, so tell me Mickey,Why DO you want to divorce Minnie?
Mickey:coz she`s f ucking goofy!

2006-11-01 04:40:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need this question answered asap thx

2006-11-01 04:27:22 · 11 answers · asked by lauren b 1

Q: Why did the woman leave the kitchen?

A: She made a wrong turn.

2006-11-01 04:24:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I did not get this one. My son came up with it. Lets see how you do.

I can be a spider. I can be a dog, and I can be a worm.....Yet I am not an animal or an insect....What am I? Yes I will post the answer at the end if no one gets it...I hate when people don't.

2006-11-01 04:22:37 · 18 answers · asked by ஐAldaஐ 6

... to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! " The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, " I'm sorry, its really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving hearses for the last 25 years!" Thought this might bring a smile to your faces on this cold November eve!!!

2006-11-01 04:18:50 · 22 answers · asked by A1bear 3

A guy walks into town from California....a bit of a loner, a surfer with the full tan look all over.
HHe walks into the first bar and shouts'a drink to everyone i've come across the mine of an old prospector and get me some nuggets from it'
he pulls out a nugget and throws it onto the bar.
I don't have time to return to the mine i came to town for a shower,a shave and a feed, who will buy this map of the mine from me for $1000,000.
the sheriff hears this,looks into his face really carefully and tells him to leave town as he is an imposter.
how did the sheriff know?

2006-11-01 04:17:04 · 10 answers · asked by roddersldn 1

A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ***."

2006-11-01 03:58:35 · 13 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

write please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper

2006-11-01 03:58:16 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous