Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife!" The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "This gun you gave me had blanks in it so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

2006-11-02 00:30:16 · 8 answers · asked by takeemout01 5

>Big Johnson Gets A Tan
>
>
>There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
>
>He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
>
>A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
>
>Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."
>
>The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
>
>The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.
>When I was 20, I was curious about it.
>When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
>When I was 40, I asked for it.
>When I was 50, I paid for it.
>When I was 60, I prayed for it.
>When I was 70, I forgot about it.
>Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

2006-11-02 00:27:34 · 9 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

2006-11-02 00:24:12 · 12 answers · asked by vijay b 1

2006-11-02 00:05:21 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-01 23:35:55 · 38 answers · asked by tulip 4

Tern, Flour, Thirsty

2006-11-01 23:34:28 · 7 answers · asked by Vijay Anand 3

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest: "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed our bodies together; but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

Does anyone know any more?

2006-11-01 23:25:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anria A 5

So the little girl and her mom walks through the park, on the bench is two teens having sex. The girl ask her mom what they are doing? "They're baking cookies" her mom replied.

Next day at the zoo, the girl sees two monkeys having sex and again she asks her mommy what they are doing? "They're baking cookies" the mom replied.

Early that saturday morning the little girl walks up to her mother and asked " You and dad baked cookies last night in the living room right"?

The mom (shocked) asked her why she asked!?

Little girl: " I saw u I and licked the icing off the couch this morning"...

2006-11-01 23:24:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

God - Adam, I want to give you a gift. You have 2 options. Be carefull for when you choose, the other will automatically go to Eve.
Adam - What are the options God? I'll be wise.
God - Option 1: One more organ on your head called "the brain". It will help in doing your work
Adam(thinks) - As if I dont have hands for that!
God - Option 2: Ability to stand and pee!

Well..... Rest is history!!

2006-11-01 23:21:16 · 22 answers · asked by TulipGirl 3

Polish it behind the door

2006-11-01 23:19:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

2006-11-01 22:55:46 · 24 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

Two worms live together on a golf course.
The 1st worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, I don't know, but I am going up and checking it out." And starts on his way up through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The 1st one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, there's nobody else here on the course. Do it right here"
The 1st lady says, "Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it, - B-coz it helps this joke ;-)
She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. As she just started worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and the worm gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt.
The 1st worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The 2nd worm says, "Not only is it raining, it's raining so hard the birds are building their nests upside-down."

2006-11-01 22:45:39 · 18 answers · asked by Taz 2

1. Smart cars or Mini's parked in car parks, so you think there's a space when there's not.
2. Pointless reclining movement on aircraft seats and the people who actually believe that they're reclining when it's only an inch.
3. Been injured in an accident adverts, showing people who fell off a ladder, because they had not 'been trained properly' how to use one.
4. Ferrero rocher adverts, that show that the ambassador is not spoiling people, he's simply giving away rubbish foreign chocolates
5. People who leave two sheets of toilet paper on a roll, because they're too lazy to put a new roll on

2006-11-01 22:37:57 · 45 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

Ok.. you've got to guess what I look like and I will give you 10 points if you are the closest. I am Swedish, but i don't look like your typical Swede.

2006-11-01 21:31:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Get a cat AND a dog
The dog will adore you, the cat will ignore you.
You're the dog's owner and at the same time a member of the cat's staff. A dog will play with its toys, the cat will play with the wrapper.
Cats please themselves, dogs please you.

2006-11-01 21:21:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its monsoon and am sure u must be very happy.
U would wanna go out,drench urself,sing songs,splash water
And find sum1special right?????????
Ha ha wat to do if every








































































frog feels the same!!!!!!!!

2006-11-01 21:06:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

- In a street there are five houses, painted five different colors.

- In each house lives a person of different nationality

- These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.



Necessary clues:

1. The British man lives in a red house.
2. The Swedish man keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Danish man drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the center house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The Blends smoker lives next to the one who drinks water.

2006-11-01 20:58:04 · 7 answers · asked by Mr. Riddle 1

2006-11-01 20:57:22 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

1) Don't dare talk in front of my back!
2)both of u three get out of the class!
3)Why r u so late ......say yes or no!
4)take 5cm wireof any length!
5)i hav 2 daughters both r girls!!
6)all of u stand in a straight circle
7)quiet........the principal just passed away
8)everybody stand lengthwise
9)Why r u looking at the monkey outside the window when am here!

2006-11-01 20:50:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good eve........................
cute face
your
on
smile
little
a
get
to
trick
my
only
was
this
but
me
with
angry
get
will
you
this
reading
after
Hai
(Now read frm back)

2006-11-01 20:41:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

can some one a funny way to describe etc.?

2006-11-01 20:40:05 · 8 answers · asked by portugal 1

One fine morning in d middle of d nite,
2dead boys woke up 2 fight,
back 2 back they faced each other,
took out their swords and shot each other,
1deaf policeman heard d noise.... and killed d 2dead boys.
believe this lie its really true,
ask d blind beggar he saw it too........

2006-11-01 20:37:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer has to get a corn, a chicken, and a fox across a river. The farmer is only able to bring one of the above items along with him at a time. The only problem is if he leaves the fox alone with the chicken, the fox will eat the chicken, and if he leaves the chicken along the corn sack, then the chicken will eat the corn sack. How does the farmer get all 3 items across safely

2006-11-01 20:25:42 · 20 answers · asked by Mr. Riddle 1

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, ...... The dwarf

2006-11-01 20:20:11 · 14 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?

"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby, walking towards that group, saw a young girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... "

-Come back in 15 minutes, Closest answer gets 10 points.

2006-11-01 20:14:22 · 12 answers · asked by Mr. Riddle 1

A horse is tied to a 15 ft. rope and there is a bail of hay 25 ft. away from him. Yet the horse is able to eat from the bail of hay. How is this possible?


- Come back in 15 minutes for the answer.

2006-11-01 20:13:13 · 5 answers · asked by Mr. Riddle 1

there was a boy named peter and he had a asingment of 1-6
for the first question he went to Mom Who was arguring with the gardener
Peter:mom whats the answer for Number 1
Mom:(not listening)Shut the hell up ***hole.Oh what was that honey
Peter:thanks fo rthe help mom
Mom:huh?
then peter went along to his dad who was talking on the phone with his second wife
Peter:Dad whats the answer in number 2
Dad:(not listening) Cause I love you
Peter:thanks dad
Peter went along to his sister who was taking a shower and singing
Peter:hey Sis whats the answer for number 3
Sis:In the CR
Peter:thanks Sis chx chx
Sis:who there dad help ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
then peter went to his younger sibling mark to ask
Peter:Hey mark whats the answer for number 4
mark:1-2-3
peter:thnx bro
and he went to his older brother who wanted to be a priest and was practicing
peter:hey Bro whats the answer for number 5
Bro:I shall return
Peter:thnx bro
then it was time to go to school when he wen tout to school he left

2006-11-01 20:04:41 · 6 answers · asked by enzoespi 2

MIRRORS ???
How can i overtake that world???

2006-11-01 19:51:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-01 19:44:04 · 17 answers · asked by parnell 1

How many croc hunters does it take to capture a sting-ray?
Apparently more than one.

Steve Irwin's Australia Zoo is now serving Sting Ray...
It's Expensive, but Steve reckons "It's to die for!"

In a recent interview Steve Irwin was asked what his favourite TV
programme was. "Thunderbirds", he replied, "But Stingray will always
have a special place in my heart."

Steve Irwin's funeral music has been chosen by his wife - Crocodile
rock, sung by Sting.

Steve should have used more sun block to keep out the harmful rays.

Maybe Steve Irwin should have been wearing his Ray Bans!

How did Steve Irwin die?
He had a heart attacked...

Did you hear that steve irwin died like he lived?
With animals in his heart.

I came up with these on my own lol. What can you come up with?

2006-11-01 19:38:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous