Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-01 12:12:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher was giving a lesson about whales. A student asks if a person can get swallowed by a whale. The teacher responds,"No."
And the student says, "Well that one dude from the bible got swallowed by a whale."
"He did not," the teacher answers.
"Yes he did."
"No he didn't."
Then the student says, "When i go to heaven i am going to ask him."
And the teacher replies, "What if he went to hell?"
The student politely ansers, "Then you can ask him."

Plz comment on how funny the joke was. If you want you can rate it from a scale of 1 to 10. Thank you.

2006-11-01 12:12:00 · 19 answers · asked by Ananymos 3

2006-11-01 12:08:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive used glue for my uni work but if u look at it in certain light bits are shiny in random places. my mark will ne bad unless there is some way of making the shiny bits go again without making it look like anythings on the paper. i cant cover them up either.ah!

2006-11-01 11:50:13 · 9 answers · asked by diamondchichan 2

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

2006-11-01 11:46:27 · 16 answers · asked by Trina T 2

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

2006-11-01 11:41:26 · 11 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

If you want to know- Hey! would you shut it up!

2006-11-01 11:27:21 · 16 answers · asked by Maria n 1

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

2006-11-01 11:25:56 · 11 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

like oh my gosh turtles are like so old ( i think) but man i wish i could grow up old as a senoir but never die. Now im jealous.

2006-11-01 11:23:07 · 8 answers · asked by Maria n 1

An elderley lady had cared for her parrot for many years. She had taught him to speak over 300 words and he could make up sentences.

The only problem she had was that every time he passed wind he would sniff and say 'bugger'

So one day when her vicar was coming for lunch she decided that to save embarassment she would stuff the parrots rear end with sealing wax so he wouldn't say 'bugger' in front of the vicar.

She served roast pork for the main course and it was then that the parrot broke the silent pauses intermingled with polite chatter as he stood up stretched, and squarked Eh Hem - Vicar!

The two diners looked up and the parrot recited the following:

"Poor little suckling poor little swine, sage and onion up your ***, ceiling wax up mine!" Aaaaaamen

2006-11-01 11:18:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

2006-11-01 11:17:12 · 6 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

Subject: A Nun & A Kiss
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying . My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

2006-11-01 11:11:48 · 31 answers · asked by Ginnykitty 7

We've all heard about men having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the Definition
for each is listed below.


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are You still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of cheap perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the
balls to say: "You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

2006-11-01 11:10:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anybody know if a worm dies when you cut it in half?
Or does it live?

2006-11-01 11:01:29 · 35 answers · asked by Dog Person 1

My wife also wants to know...If Donald is a duck,and Pluto is a dog, What the heck is Goofy?

2006-11-01 10:59:56 · 12 answers · asked by KISS1970 2

We will assume that you have a good grip on something round like a tree branch.

2006-11-01 10:49:17 · 11 answers · asked by fleetofworlds 2

One Monday morning the postman was walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the postman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The postman thought for a moment and said, "How do you play that?"

Bob replied "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

2006-11-01 10:46:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It can be dirty.

2006-11-01 10:44:54 · 12 answers · asked by lbjms23cvs 1

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner esscaped again."

2006-11-01 10:43:27 · 11 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders
the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband
whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at
his
clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds.....


(more to follow)

2006-11-01 10:34:51 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friend is doin better then me and i need really good ones 2 beat her

2006-11-01 10:28:41 · 14 answers · asked by ") 1

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her:

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

2006-11-01 10:27:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

ANswer this please be honest!

2006-11-01 10:21:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

2006-11-01 10:20:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

that is is actually a joke and not a serious question. The answer is below the question. I can't read the answers for laughing.

2006-11-01 10:14:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

go here and in the next ten mins i will post the answers but ur supposed to click on a pic.then type in the answer http://www.mms.com/us/dark/?zjxj=0120000...

2006-11-01 10:06:25 · 5 answers · asked by alyxa 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see
at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

2006-11-01 10:03:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street
and pass a flower
shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying
flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."


The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You
don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"


The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he
always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I
just don't feel like spending the next three days on
my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says:








..........."Don't you have a vase?"

2006-11-01 09:59:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

has gone up in flames no1 has got hurt! but what an unfortunate place to be when your sh**ting yourself lol

2006-11-01 09:55:52 · 3 answers · asked by crunchymonkey 6

Answer - Ten Pints of Lager.

2006-11-01 09:55:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous