Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. A little boy puts his hand up and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

2006-11-30 21:31:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-30 21:28:57 · 20 answers · asked by Jenna 3

Okay, its a bit long but I am confuzzled by this:

Three ladies go into a restaurant. They order the same thing, sandwiches, cup of tea (yes they are british ladies) and a cream scone. When they have finished the waiter comes over and gives them a bill of £30. They each pay £10 and finish their tea. The waiter goes back to the cash register and realises he has over charged them. The actual bill comes to £25. He thinks for a minute and decides to pocket £2, as the three ladies couldn't divide the £5 change up equally. He returns to the table and gives them each £1 and apologises for his mistake.

(you with me so far) Here's where I am confused.

The ladies in effect paid £9 each (started off with £10 and got £1 back) and the waiter has £2. Where did the other pound go?

3 ladies x £9 = £27
Waiter £2

=£29.

2006-11-30 21:28:41 · 14 answers · asked by Liggy Lee 4

Whats the difference between a poor 'marksman' and a constipated owl?





One shoots and can't hit, the other hoots and can't shhhh

2006-11-30 21:27:21 · 7 answers · asked by Boring Old Fart 3

2006-11-30 20:22:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Seriously, I have these plans for a big joke I want to play and I need help. Would someone be willing to read my blog and consider lending a hand?

2006-11-30 20:17:49 · 4 answers · asked by Satan Lord of Flames 3

I think there was a competition last year to find the funniest joke but I cannot remember what it was ... however, what's the funniest joke that you know?

2006-11-30 20:14:29 · 15 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

If julie has 2 acorns, why can't the teacher spell mississippi?

2006-11-30 20:10:46 · 7 answers · asked by markhatter 6

A place where all the house plants are dead but theres something growing in the fridge....

2006-11-30 19:55:24 · 11 answers · asked by deliciousde 4

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby
table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or
so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the
hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her
head
no.

Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

2006-11-30 19:49:07 · 11 answers · asked by MotherKittyKat 7

Comp.

2006-11-30 18:57:57 · 6 answers · asked by j0shuayates 2

So a bunch of celebrities were getting together to create a new full-length movie about various classical composers. Everyone was busy picking their role when all of a sudden Arnold Schwarzenegger walked into the room, tipped down his dark sunglasses, and said -I'll be Bach-.

Wocka wocka!

2006-11-30 18:55:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a girl standing in a builiding basement
a one word is the answer what?

2006-11-30 18:47:38 · 16 answers · asked by like a like 1

Yo mama so slow, the Russian sniper fell asleep after watching her for 4 hours!
Ahahaha lolololol you feeling me? lolol

2006-11-30 18:45:57 · 19 answers · asked by Robert G 1

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-11-30 18:38:34 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"

do rate this joke.

2006-11-30 18:28:44 · 20 answers · asked by anitha 4

a couple was having money problems... they were sitting down at the table eating supper, when the wife said... "I know... you could stop buying 3 24’s of beer every week"... the husband says... "no no I can’t do that, but what about you.... you spend like one hundred dollars on makeup a month you could give that up".... she says, "but dear... that’s to make me look pretty". The husband looks at her and says, "what the **** do you think the beer is for".

2006-11-30 18:26:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is 2 guys on a bar talking and one of them is in fron of a window and suddenly he says to the other guy....Hey there goes your wife with another man!...The other guy looks trough the window and says...No, it's the same man.....................Haha It's a little dumb but I hope I have make some people smile! God Bless you all and Merry Christmas

2006-11-30 18:15:38 · 18 answers · asked by N.T. 3

Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

2006-11-30 17:35:26 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ gina ♥ 4

I'm gonna love to hear what i get for this one.

2006-11-30 17:32:53 · 6 answers · asked by Kyle M 1

The longest word in english has the word volcano in it but i forgot the rest help me out,and also what is the longest word you know.
Please no gibberish

2006-11-30 17:32:50 · 12 answers · asked by Kostya G 3

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient 1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient 2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked Patient 1 what he was doing. The patient replied,
"Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient 1 what Patient 2 was doing. Patient 1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient 2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient 1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." Patient 1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

2006-11-30 17:14:49 · 8 answers · asked by Haley 1

This is a very common joke. How about we let everyone fill in their own punch phrase...you heard me right...I'm letting YOU put in you favorite Why did the chicken cross the road joke...be sure to add some good ones.

2006-11-30 17:08:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johny was very upsed with his past wrong deeds, he decided to confess his sins, he went to church: Father I want to confess my sins.

Pastor: Go ahead my son, the Lord may forgive you.

Johny: I am in love with my girl friend but yesterday I went to her house to look for her & no one was there except her sister & I slept with her.

Pastor: That is very bad.

Johny: thats nothing last week I went to her office to look for her & there was no one except her friend & I slept with her too.

Pastor: Thats a sin too.

Johny: thats nothing last month I went to her aunt's house to look for her & there was no one except her aunt & I slept with her too.

There was no response from father, Johny realised that he was gone from the confession room.

"Father, father where are you" Johny quipped, looking for pastor in every corner of the church. He found him under the table.

Johny: Father what are you doing there?

Pastor: Sorry son, suddenly I realised, I too am alone here

2006-11-30 17:07:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You need help on your math homework, so you go to the home of two brothers, who are identical in every way except one always tells the truth, and the other always tells lies. You need the correct answers on your homework, so you must find the "truth-telling" brother, and get his assistance. When you meet the brothers at their front door and tell them you need their help, what one question can you ask either one of them to find out which one will help you by giving you truthful answers?

2006-11-30 17:02:12 · 4 answers · asked by Overrated 5

The measures of the interior angles of a triangle total 180*. Two angles of a triangle have measures of 50* each. Find the measure of the third angle.

First to answer correctly will get chosen as best answer and recieve 10 points. WOW!!!

2006-11-30 16:57:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

so a guy and his girlfriend are driving back from the store and the girlfriend starts bitching at the boyfriend about the music hes playing, the boyfriend replies "this is my music im not gonna change it" the girl says "well its stupid" the guy then says "ok get the **** out of my car, im tired of your bitching" he then pushes her out of the car. the guy doesnt call the girlfriend for a few days and then she calls him and says shes sorry, and they get back together. the end.

if your not touched by this you have no heart

2006-11-30 16:52:39 · 19 answers · asked by e 2

I have a quiz for you all. First to answer (correctly) will get the best answer. In 4 hours I will post the correct answer and you can come back and see if you got it right. Here's the question.

Tickets for the high school musical are $6.00 for adults and $4.00 for students. How many adults bought tickets if 420 student tickets are sold and the total money collected is $3618?

2006-11-30 16:46:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One gorgeous girl went to the banana orchard.

People pick fruit at an orchard.

She had a bamboo basket and wanted a basketful of banana.

But she was very shame.

She associates seeing the banana with dic*.

She could not pass her hand over.

So asked a favor of the owner to pick the banana from the tree.

But she could not point to it.

So she gabbed hold of man's Penn**.

and said

"Please give me a thing looks like this"

2006-11-30 16:45:21 · 12 answers · asked by Iamman 1

I'm sure a lot of you have but maybe some haven't:
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs floating in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your door step?
Matt.
There are more but I can't think of them right now.

2006-11-30 16:33:16 · 12 answers · asked by kdesky3 2