Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

2006-11-30 09:39:50 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's on dogs means? so many of mah friends say it when they r talkin but i don't noe wat it means and i'm afraid of asking, any help??? plz!!!!

2006-11-30 09:39:41 · 1 answers · asked by big bang! 3

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling

2006-11-30 09:37:53 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

At the Metropolitan Art Gallery in New York a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three totally naked black men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He explained how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Yorkshireman approached the couple and said,"Would tha like to know what t'painting 's really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Cus I'm the fella what painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans in it at all. They're just three Yorkshire coal miners.

The lad in t'middle went home for his dinner."

2006-11-30 09:31:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy asks his friend, if you were camping and one morning you woke up and you butt was sore and greasy would you tell anyone. The other guy says no. So he says wanna go camping!

2006-11-30 09:24:14 · 7 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

Just guess who I am. My age, where I live, race, height, weight, all that...

But I won't give you any information about me

Person who guesses the closest wins

2006-11-30 09:23:10 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is from the business law class I audited: WB is Wild Bill the professor conducting the class.
WB: “Anderson, what is a tort?” No reply. WB: “Anderson, speak up!” He looked at his seating chart and notice there were 3 Andersons in the class. “Which Anderson is going to speak?” Silence with the three Andersons shifting in their seats, uncomfortably.
WB: “There was this wood cutter named Anderson who had three sons. One day when they were felling a large tree, it fell the wrong way and the old man ended badly injured, pinned under the tree.
“His sons come rushing up. Old man Anderson knows he won’t last long enough for them to get him to any hospital. So, he say ‘I want to tell you boys something before I die. Your mother and I were never married.’ The boys stood there stunned and said nothing. Finally the old man says “Will one of you illegitimate sons say something?’”

2006-11-30 09:19:54 · 8 answers · asked by Everyman 3

quiz

2006-11-30 09:19:39 · 10 answers · asked by Eyob L 1

There were these two people sitting at the bar watching the news & the guy on the news use standing on a billboard. Well the guy sitting at the bar said that he would bet her 20.00 if he guy would jump off the billboard.

He jumped!! and he said "im sorry you dont have to pay me i already saw this news today". and she said "well i did to but i didnt think that he would jump twice.

2006-11-30 09:15:53 · 14 answers · asked by ♥SUMMERTIME♥ 2

would you ever consider doing a bungee jump?people say that they would do in but chicken out in the end...would you do it?

2006-11-30 09:14:41 · 24 answers · asked by darren_nnx 2

If you were put in a dark room with a matchbook with one match and all there was in the room was an oil lamp a bundle of newspaper and kindle wood which would you light first? Remember you only have ONE match!

2006-11-30 09:13:47 · 39 answers · asked by E.F. Landeros 3

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate," and he says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

2006-11-30 09:10:34 · 7 answers · asked by babegirl 1

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?" The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4"

Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question, with little thought he replied, "4.0"

Then the lawyer was called in , and was asked the same question. The lawyer aswererd even quicker than the mathematician,"What do you want it to be?"

2006-11-30 09:08:49 · 5 answers · asked by MikeDot3s 5

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2006-11-30 09:08:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Higgledy piggledy
my son john
caught in the fall out
of a newtron bomb
1 arm off
3 legs on
thats mutation
my son john

2006-11-30 09:03:40 · 10 answers · asked by colin050659 6

2 bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table,An attractive blonde woman arrives and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.She said" i hope you dont mind but i feel much luckier when i am completely nude". with that she stripped from the neck down and rolled the dice while shouting "come on baby" ,As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed"I won I won"She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. " what did she roll one of them said" I dont know i thought you were watching" said the other,

Moral--Not all blondes are dumb but all men are men......

2006-11-30 09:01:38 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

2006-11-30 08:52:19 · 38 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

The pope went on a visit to Ireland one day and he was picked up at the airport by a strech limo. After a short while he asked the driver if he could have a drive of this limo.

The driver being catholic and not wanting to anger the pope agreed and pulled over and swapped places. The pope sped off and was going miles too fast. The local copper pulled the limo over and came up to the driver's window to see the pope sat at the wheel.

Immediately he radio'd his base and said "sir we have a problem we have caught someone important speeding"

base "Who the presedent"

cop "no bigger than the president"

base "who then?"

cop "well I'm not exactly sure who it is sir but the pope is driving him"

2006-11-30 08:44:21 · 13 answers · asked by geoffrey2312 3

Ok um other people might uv said they made it up but no they didn't um......her it is..........it's kinda gros but funny
Teacher:Why were you late?"
student 1:I was on top of Blueberry Hill.
another boy walks in and the teacher says
teacher:why were u late?"
student 2:I was on top of Blueberry Hill
teacher:why were you late?
student 3:I was on Blueberry hill
the last boy walks in and the teacher says,
Teacher:why were you late?
Student 4:I was on top of Blueberry Hill
Teacher:Ok class lets start our lesson, but before that, let me indroduce the new girl her name is BLUEBERRY HILL.
blueberry hill:hi John,jacob,alex and kyle

2006-11-30 08:42:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wool comes from sheep right? and my woolen jumpers shrink in the wash so why dont sheep shrink?

2006-11-30 08:42:19 · 12 answers · asked by Sarah S 3

he called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of a normal sex life.Man was horrified but the Creator refused to budge.Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years"but i dont need 20 years"10 is plenty, " May i have the other 10 years" asked man."The monkey agreed, Next the Lord called the lion and also gave him 20 years, again the lion didn't want 20 and so the Lord gave the man the other 10 years.Then came the donkey who like the others was given 20 years but only wanted 10 and so man had the other 10,

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making an a.ss out of himself....

2006-11-30 08:40:41 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

2006-11-30 08:39:46 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Go to www.google.com and type in the word "Failure" without the quotes and click on the "I feel lucky Button" see what pops up! I laughed so hard because its true

2006-11-30 08:28:17 · 12 answers · asked by Fantasy686 4

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

2006-11-30 08:25:49 · 16 answers · asked by geoffrey2312 3

Any1 know any good ones?

2006-11-30 08:19:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You bright folks in the yahoo answers group might be a geat resource.

My wife and I have made up Christmas puzzles and posted them for free for visitors to my site.

We get about 300,000 visitors a year looking for new Christmas party game puzzles.

About the only game idea left is Mad gab Christmas puzzles, I've tried but didn't get enough to make a puzzle example

foresty thus no man.

But maybe some of you might have better ones in mind.

If you do, please give it a try. If you'd like I would give you credit for it if I do post them

http://www.bowtieproducts.com/Christmas_party_games_and_puzzles.htm

John Griffin

2006-11-30 08:16:57 · 2 answers · asked by AjohnG 3

A good-ole-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly... it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

2006-11-30 08:12:56 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Three nuns are killed in an auto wreck. When they reach the golden gates, St. Peter tells them they must answer a biblical question before they can enter heaven.
The first nun is asked who saved all the animals of earth from the flood, and she answered, "That's easy, it was Noah."
Strobe lights flash, sirens wail, horns blow, and bells clang as the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked how many disciples Jesus had, and she answered, "That's easy, there were Twelve."
Strobe lights flash, sirens wail, horns blow, and bells clang as the pearly gates open.
The third nun is asked what Eve said to Adam on their first night on earth, and she answers, "Now that's a hard one,... ."
Strobe lights flash, sirens wail, horns blow, and bells clang as the pearly gates open.

2006-11-30 08:12:03 · 4 answers · asked by Overrated 5

Years ago Egbert the village idiot got a job as a bus driver ( in those days they had bus conductresses. ) This man gets on their bus & goes upstairs where its empty. The conductress goes up & asks him for his fare & the man says...'Give me a w@nk'....' Look'!..she says...'I'll ask you once more for your fare, & if you come out with any more filth like that i'll tell the driver'....The man replies....' Go on give me a w@nk'....The conductress goes downstairs & says to Egbert.....'There's a man upstairs & every time I ask him for his fare he asks me to give him a w@nk, what should we do'?....Egbert replies.....'Toss him off at the next stop'

2006-11-30 07:54:03 · 6 answers · asked by kev3753 1

****, my friend just tickled me, and I almost died from laughing!!!
Just out of curiosity, is there a case where a person died from laughing? **** that must have been painful!!

2006-11-30 07:51:30 · 10 answers · asked by horhora 1