Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

1.You can GET chocolate.

2.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

6.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

7.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

8.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

9.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

10.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

11.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

12.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

13.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

14.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake

15.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

2006-11-30 07:48:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Example: Eye Mull Of Mush Sheen = I'm A Love Machine

First One with all right answers gets BEST ANSWER

1. Dock Door Rat Kin Sty Hit
2. Aid Are Crank Loud
3. Date Roy Pea Stuns
4. Ale Of Huff Air
5. Pea Sank White
6. Law Duff There Inks
7. Mare Eek Ate Danish Lee Hole Sin
8. Noose Raid He Owe
9. Wok Lie Canny Chip Shun
10. Pie Rate Softy Care Hip Been
11. Whole League How
12. Tis Coal Eighty

2006-11-30 07:45:25 · 15 answers · asked by Lissa 2

In the 1500's the British army realized that the enlisted men lost their courage when they saw that their officers and comrades were bleeding, so red was chosen as the color for the uniform coat to hide the appearance of the blood whenever a soldier was shot. Learning from the British, the French appropriately made their trousers brown.

2006-11-30 07:44:54 · 10 answers · asked by Overrated 5

Help me with this

Samantha chews __________

in the blank you have to right something that rhymes with it

Samantha is _____

in this blank you have to right something about your answer in the first blank for example

samantha chews bubble gum
she is a buble gum chewer

2006-11-30 07:42:12 · 7 answers · asked by Cornelia135 1

2006-11-30 07:36:48 · 27 answers · asked by Aaron B 3

I found this pretty funny..

John was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request made by his wife, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc..

John looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

2006-11-30 07:36:17 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady had two female parrorts who always said "we are whores wanna have some fun." to every visitor which came in the ladys house. she was frustrated. She went to a priest and told him her problem.
The priest said that he also has a pair of male parrots who are very holy always reciting holy word and reading bible(imagine it). "Bring ur parrots to my house ur problem will be solved" the priest said.
The another day she bought her two female to the priests house.
The priest put the the female parrots in the cage of his male parrots.
when the female parrots said,"Hi!!Wanna have some fun??"
When the male parrot said,"Brother throw away the books our prayers are finally answered."

2006-11-30 07:34:56 · 7 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

No $hit folks!!!

2006-11-30 07:33:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, seeing as how the last one met with you approval....

Go onto Google, type in 'failure' and then click 'I Feel Lucky'. Classic...

2006-11-30 07:24:18 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

2006-11-30 07:17:00 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back
>and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far
>off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
>
>
>I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
>
>On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl
>of
>Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He
>put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the
>Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
>
>Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling
>and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's
where
>he
>ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then
it
>was off to a movie, popcorn, soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
>What a fabulous adventure!
>
>
>
>Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
>exhausted.
>He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well
Dear,
>what was it like being six again?"
>
>Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
my
>dress size, you dumb ***!"
>
>The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
>
>he is gonna get it wrong.

2006-11-30 07:15:39 · 14 answers · asked by miki 3

A little boy walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

The boy's eyes widened "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

2006-11-30 07:14:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ***. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.

2006-11-30 07:13:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"

2006-11-30 07:07:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This one's just ok.. My previous joke is better I think..

After hearing that one of the patients in the mental hosptal had just saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of the bathtub.

The director of the hospital, reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied, "I hung him up to dry."

2006-11-30 07:06:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The 1st man had married an Asian woman & bragged that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house & the dishes were done.

The 2nd man had married a White woman.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders: she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. the 1st day he didnt see any results, the next day was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man married a Black woman.
He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didnt see anything, the 2nd day he didnt see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left ; enough to fix himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

2006-11-30 07:02:27 · 8 answers · asked by ricks 5

Newlyweds selling twin beds , One's brand new.

2006-11-30 06:59:44 · 4 answers · asked by MikeDot3s 5

He shows up late, eats your food, emptys his sack, comes only once and leaves before you wake up

2006-11-30 06:54:39 · 26 answers · asked by ga gurl 2

So.. a male gorilla escaped from the zoo and the keepers just couldn't climb the tree to get him, and they couldn't shoot him as he was too valuble... so they sent for Fred the Animal Trapping Expert.
Fred arrived with his Jack Russell terrier and a shotgun
Asked by the keepers how he would catch the gorilla, Fred replied that it was his intention to climb the tree and shake it until the gorilla fell out of the tree.
The keepers looked at the Jack Russell dog
Fred saw them looking and said
"When the gorilla falls from the tree, Jack will automatically bite the gorillas b*lls and detain him.
Fred then walked over to one of the keepers and gave him the shotgun and headed towards the tree
"What's the shotgun for then Fred?"
Fred looked at the keeper and said
"When I'm shaking the tree, there's a possibility that I may be thrown out of the tree first"
Keeper " And if this happens you want me to shoot the gorilla?"
"NO!" said Fred "Shoot the bloody Jack Russell!"

2006-11-30 06:48:50 · 10 answers · asked by Boring Old Fart 3

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left.
He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,"The one that is sucking the ice cream." He answered,"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK."

2006-11-30 06:46:53 · 6 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

while standing in front of the mirror, i was wondering what i could do to improve my bust, my boyfriend suggested rubbing toilet paper between my breasts for 5mins each day, i asked if it would work and he said, 'well its worked on your bum hasn't it '
he gets out of hospital soon.....

2006-11-30 06:46:37 · 15 answers · asked by polly a 2

My first is in companion, but not in enemy
My second in both peace and war
My third in simple, but not complex
My fourth in water, but not shore

To ignore me much must be forgotten
And so now you must try
To figure out this riddle
And answer:
What Am I?

2006-11-30 06:42:26 · 8 answers · asked by alangor99 1

Typre 'french military victories' into Google and click the 'I Feel Lucky' button. Hilarious!

2006-11-30 06:41:49 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are 2 nuns and a blonde, what type of football team do you have?

2 tight ends and a wide reciever

2006-11-30 06:37:40 · 11 answers · asked by iversonallyn 3

i kicked his nuts and he made a bolt for the door!

ok ? but im struggling tonite!

2006-11-30 06:34:35 · 16 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

Walking into the bar, Eddie said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Henry. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," Henry said "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Eddie replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed you little chickenshit!".

2006-11-30 06:34:16 · 17 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)

2006-11-30 06:34:03 · 13 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

Two strangers walk into a bar and order beers. Bringing the mugs, the bartender says, "Hi, I'm Dick Rogers, the owner."
One says "I'm Jim Burgher and this is Dan Burger, but we're not related."
"So, do you spell your names the same?" asks the barkeep.
"No" replies Dan "I spell mine D-A-N, he spell his J-I-M."

2006-11-30 06:30:13 · 6 answers · asked by Everyman 3

Getting as close as they can to a pride they set up to film, but one of the Lionesses spots them and begins to stalk them, at about 500 yards she lays flat to the ground and begins moving in for the kill. One of the photographers, getting nervous turns to his colleague and suggests that they get moving, fearing that it already too late. As he turns to voice his thoughts, he notices his colleague is changing from his heavy boots to running shoes, he gives a nervous laugh and says,"Dont be stupid you'll never outrun a Lion.
His colleague turns and replies,"I dont have to outrun a Lion, I only have to outrun You"

2006-11-30 06:30:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they are walking through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting, and pounding his chest with the free hand. He obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now, try lifting your dress up your thighs." He says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell *him* you have a headache!"

2006-11-30 06:27:48 · 14 answers · asked by bbwandsingle1980 3