Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

One turns to the other and asks......
"Is that Fanny Green in the front pew?'
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'No," the other old lady says......"It's just the way the sun is shining through the stained glass window."

2006-11-30 05:22:36 · 15 answers · asked by minitheminx65 5

"im baffeled by ur orange penis" the Dr told his patient. "Does any one in ur family have this condition?" the concerned fellow said no."do you handle any chemicals at work?" "i dont work" " well what do you do all day?" said the Dr, "oh i mostley watch porn and eat wotsits...!!".

2006-11-30 05:19:14 · 12 answers · asked by deliciousde 4

2006-11-30 05:12:40 · 13 answers · asked by My name's MUD 5

from the workshop. A man came in with a wheel for a puncture repair, I offered to take him back to his car as he had walked half a mile with. He said no thanks and anyway the wheel would now be lighter now because it had air in it. Another chap rang me to say his car was running badly and all he had done was change the spark plugs. He had managed that ok but out of the four leads only one was on the right plug. This is not bulls**t honest !!!!

2006-11-30 05:10:53 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-30 05:10:35 · 16 answers · asked by My name's MUD 5

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people�s funerals, or they won�t go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature�s way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word �gullible� isn�t in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic�ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don�t succeed, don�t try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn�t use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I�ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
. . . Don�t forget to read the editorial! Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is "Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway." It�s sad but true�no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let�s see if that�s true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, �Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart.� Ever looked with lust? If you have said �Yes� to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we�ve only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That�s not God�s will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: �God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.� Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. God promises everlasting life to all to all those who confess and forsake their sins, and trust in Jesus Christ. Please do that today . . . you may not have tomorrow. See John 14:21 for a wonderful promise. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.

2006-11-30 05:08:36 · 13 answers · asked by acamn91 3

yes yes, i know, but a trainee used to ask me this when i asked him if he had any questions..

2006-11-30 05:06:28 · 13 answers · asked by sparky 3

I will be priest like my father .

2006-11-30 05:05:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

2006-11-30 05:05:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

black said to me this morning.
when i was born i was black.
when i burn, i'm black
when i grow up i'm black
when i go in the sun i'm black
when i am cold i'm black
when i'm scared i'm black
when i'm sick i'm black
and when i die i'm black.

and you white Lady
when you are born you are pink
when you grow up you are white
when you go in the sun you are red
when you are cold you are blue
when you are scared you are yellow
when you are sick you are green
and when you die you are grey.


and ya know what you call me coloured......

2006-11-30 05:05:14 · 5 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-11-30 05:01:11 · 17 answers · asked by ashley 1

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2006-11-30 04:52:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

2006-11-30 04:50:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman took her car to a garage and asked for longer dipstick. She said the one she had was too short and wouldn't reach the oil. Another motorist (male) filled his engine with oil right to the very top, so much so that the engine would not even turn over. How do I know these are true? Becuase I was the mechanic in the garage. True stories honest !!!!

2006-11-30 04:49:10 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

What's the connection between Battlestar Galactica and the old west? Anyone know?

2006-11-30 04:47:42 · 5 answers · asked by Kyle D 1

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A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''

2006-11-30 04:47:23 · 5 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

2006-11-30 04:41:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

then what are tests?

2006-11-30 04:37:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

2006-11-30 04:27:52 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

about the dawarf who went to the doctors complaing that every time it rained she got terrible pains in her f4nny?
the doctor told her to cut the tops of her wellingtons

2006-11-30 04:20:08 · 9 answers · asked by armaghmadman 2

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''

2006-11-30 04:19:44 · 9 answers · asked by amudwar 3

A man had just finished reading a book entitled "Man of the house" when he stormed into the kitchen,pointed a finger into his wife's face & said "from now on I want you to know I am the man of the house, my word is law! You will prepare a gourmet meal for me tonight & every night! The you will draw me a bath, you will lie on the bed & take what's coming to you & then guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair?"

She replied: "The ******* funeral director"

2006-11-30 04:10:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"how can i soar like an eagle when im surrounded by turkeys"

"A friend will hand you an umbrella in the rain, but a best friend wil take the umbrella and say 'run loser run' "

"when life gives you lemons, throw them out and order pizza"

"laughter is the best medicine, and your face is curing the world"

"your slower than turtles stampeding through peanut butter"

"insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results"

"dont hold your farts in, they travel up to your brain and thats where all your crappy ideas come from"

2006-11-30 04:07:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

read it the way it is written

this dog is dog a dog good dog way dog to dog keep dog a dog stupid dog person dog busy dog for dog twenty dog seconds dog

now read without dog

2006-11-30 04:06:20 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Call me a miserable b!tch, but mine is always half empty.

**Wonders how many answers she'll get merely stating 'miserable b!tch'***

2006-11-30 04:05:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a man goes out with his girl which is a blonde.After a while he sees a dead bird and says "Oh, honey look!The poor bird is dead!" and the woman looks to the sky and asks "Where???I can't see it?"
Nothing personal to women with blond hair.

2006-11-30 03:58:48 · 21 answers · asked by Jade 2

2006-11-30 03:54:41 · 12 answers · asked by legionmober 2

2006-11-30 03:53:15 · 4 answers · asked by legionmober 2

2006-11-30 03:45:45 · 7 answers · asked by legionmober 2

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

2006-11-30 03:43:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous