Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Should there be a rating on it?

2006-11-29 21:05:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man stops outside a hotel in his car and knows straight away that he's bankrupted
how?

2006-11-29 20:59:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her t-ts and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her p--sy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his d--k and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

2006-11-29 20:57:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?


"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby, walking towards that group, saw a young girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... "

2006-11-29 20:56:27 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

2006-11-29 20:53:00 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

"BELIEVE" it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idio t! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

2006-11-29 20:52:09 · 11 answers · asked by biggsy 1

2006-11-29 20:46:35 · 28 answers · asked by The Claw is my master 2

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

2006-11-29 20:44:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have recently been given a violation notice and Yahoo won't say what I did wrong apart from saying it wasn't a question!! What are the alternatives? Do I shut up/fight the thought police or look for another provider? Is there some method of getting Yahoo to respond or should I go elsewhere? I like the jokes and riddles section but there are strange forces at work here.
I assume this is a question or at least a series of questions.

2006-11-29 20:33:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

English Man: I have got 10 kids, one more & its a football team.

American: I have got 14, one more & its a rugby team.

Arabian: I have got 17 wives, one more & its a golf course!!!

2006-11-29 20:25:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anythingcleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite

2006-11-29 19:40:05 · 10 answers · asked by Pickles 2

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

2006-11-29 19:31:31 · 15 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

2006-11-29 19:25:45 · 22 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows."Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free *** at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your *** at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your *** at the Hotel Freezer, Oh ****...take a cab."

2006-11-29 19:23:03 · 13 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A man and his ever angging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home or $5,000.00 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him that he would just as soon have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you pay $5,000.00 to ship her home when you could pay $150.00 and have her buried in the Holy Land, wouldn't that be just great?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2006-11-29 19:22:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An evil king has 1000 bottles of wine. A neighboring queen plots to kill the bad king, and sends a servant to poison the wine. The king's guards catch the servant after he has only poisoned one bottle. The guards don't know which bottle was poisoned, but they do know that the poison is so potent that even if it was diluted 1,000,000 times, it would still be fatal. Furthermore, the effects of the poison take one month to surface. The king decides he will get some of his prisoners in his vast dungeons to drink the wine. Rather than using 1000 prisoners each assigned to a particular bottle, this king knows that he needs to murder no more than 10 prisoners to figure out what bottle is poisoned, and will still be able to drink the rest of the wine in 5 weeks time. How does he pull this off?

2006-11-29 19:19:27 · 9 answers · asked by wayne 1

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

2006-11-29 19:18:30 · 8 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

...what would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?

2006-11-29 19:12:16 · 8 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A blind man walks into a lesbian bar and shouts to the barmaid, "Hey, d'you wanna hear a great blonde joke?"

The barmaid replied, "Before you start, I'd like you to know that I'm blonde. The woman next to you at the bar is a pro wrestler and she's blonde. Her girlfriend next to her is a black belt in karate, and she's blonde. That woman sitting at the table behind you is a kickboxer and she's blonde. Oh, and the bouncer's a blonde woman too."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Nah, forget it. I don't want to have to explain the joke 5 times".

2006-11-29 19:11:41 · 25 answers · asked by k² 6

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realise a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

2006-11-29 19:04:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

criminal mind.
This it the 'riddle'....
there is a girl and her mother dies, she goes to the funeral and there, sees a very handsome man that she likes. The funeral ends and everyone goes away and the lady has no way of contacting the man so she kills her sister. Why does she do this?

2006-11-29 18:55:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 18:49:45 · 11 answers · asked by Tiffani B 1

2006-11-29 18:47:28 · 13 answers · asked by Tiffani B 1

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big 5hit that he really was."

2006-11-29 18:42:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 18:40:32 · 17 answers · asked by Tiffani B 1

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a *******?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small *******," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

2006-11-29 18:36:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are some methods to catch and kill a lion
Some of these are related to Indian celebrities
So Indians can understand well...
Others sorry....

Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite
reaction.
Implies you caught lion.


Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and
will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven
that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will
upgrade it to
Lion.

Indian Police Method:
catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to
accept that its
a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack
anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear
itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and
kill it, while
it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the
lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by
another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second
lion loves the 2nd
lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness(third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15
yrs, then also
u wont !

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a
good scenic
location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:
save the lion from a danger and feed him with some
vegetables
continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders

2006-11-29 18:22:51 · 26 answers · asked by keekee 1

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What do you call a hamburger made with pork?
A: A ground hog!

heheh... And here is today's riddle:

What do you use to cut the ocean in half?

Have fun! :)

2006-11-29 17:53:21 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

- what does a musician do when he's dead?

2006-11-29 17:46:51 · 10 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

getting old. The other day a lady pensioner walked past me and a friend and I said to him look a the a**e on that !!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-29 17:36:44 · 6 answers · asked by Shredder 6