Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"



Bad Day of Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"



The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."



HOW MEN CAN IMPRESS A WOMAN

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW WOMEN CAN IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each a woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts

2006-11-29 12:28:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you have 2 people and one tells lies and the other tells the truth what would you ask to find the truth telling one and the lieing one?
I am looking for a certiant answer.

2006-11-29 12:24:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple are driving on the freeway and the husband, who
is driving, is complaining about everything. The heat, the
long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc.

His wife is getting tired of him, so she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife".

About half an hour later, he starts again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three:
husband, wife, and 8 year old daughter.
The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the
windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?"
Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh, it was only a...uh... butterfly".

"Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter "Did
you see the size of it's dick?"

2006-11-29 12:21:30 · 9 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

get it right get best answer

2006-11-29 12:20:38 · 7 answers · asked by hazel 2

2006-11-29 12:18:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know a good site for brain teasers and/or logic problems?

2006-11-29 12:09:01 · 9 answers · asked by pixi_doll 3

-i never knew that the guy who sang 'Peggy Sue' liked christmas time........................



-.......yes, he did, because his name was Buddy HOLLY!!!!!!!

(get it?? made it up myself, i am writing a book of my jokes, you guys are luckily getting a sneak preview, any feedback, good or bad, would be appreciated)

2006-11-29 12:08:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

And yes you showered before putting on your shirt.

2006-11-29 12:00:19 · 5 answers · asked by Stumpy McG 1

i have to solve this really weird riddle for school can you plz help:
i have 8 arms i am black and red and i only come out at night you cant see my eyes but i can see better than you can im not as big as you but i can cause incredible damage to your body what am i

2006-11-29 11:58:09 · 13 answers · asked by kitten k 1

He says only if you suck my DlCK

The daughter is disgusted but does it anyway as she really needs the car.
She stops half way through and says 'your dick tastes of $hit'

The dad says 'Oh, i forgot. Your brother has the car'

2006-11-29 11:56:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need something that rhymes with fish and is not dish or wish.

2006-11-29 11:54:14 · 13 answers · asked by The Amazing ZachAttack 2

Tell me the best riddle/joke/puzzle you know(with the answer please).

I will pick the one I like best(if it has the answer included) as the best answer.

It can be funny, cute or just fun to figure out.

If you tell me a riddle/joke/puzzle, but don't get picked as best, I will still give you a thumbs up rating, which makes your points go up.

Thanks! I hope to get some good ones!!

2006-11-29 11:53:37 · 5 answers · asked by Julia 4

Okay yeah... im the prankster at the lunch table, always tell jokes but now im runnning out! =0 Please tell me the best ones you know!

2006-11-29 11:50:11 · 8 answers · asked by ♦Its•Possible•But•Not•Logical♦ 3

2006-11-29 11:48:21 · 11 answers · asked by Carl-N-Vicky S 4

watching a 9 year old girl and one says 'Bet she was a looker in her day'

2006-11-29 11:43:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 11:42:05 · 16 answers · asked by TheDudeAbides 6

How do you kill a retard? Give it a knife.
barney's momma so fat when I walked aruond her it was my 100th birthday.
some one went to a clerk and said "how much for a drink?" clerk said "$1.50" the guy said "how much is a refil?l" the clerk said "the first one is free." the guy responded "then I'll have a refill!"

2006-11-29 11:41:30 · 15 answers · asked by Charlie T. Unicorn 3

APPRECIATIVE
+INCAPACITATE
+INDEPENDENCE
___________________
PARTICIPATED

List the letters associated with the values 0-9 in numerical order.

I've been trying to figure this one out for a while, but I'm not the greatest with these types of puzzles. Thanks for the help!

2006-11-29 11:40:17 · 11 answers · asked by Ashley 3

Having to share a single bed

2006-11-29 11:32:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Chuck norris is so fast if he ran around the world he would hit himself in the back of the head.

2. Chuck norris is so strong he ate a entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

3. Chuck norris can eat beef jerky, crap it into gun powder, change gunpowder into a bullet, to shoot cows, and make more beef jerky.

4. Chuck norris was originally going to be in the Terminator but the movie was only 2 seconds long after he round house kicked the villans.

2006-11-29 11:29:48 · 10 answers · asked by Xcaliber2393 2

2006-11-29 11:24:17 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard a noise outside earlier and looked out the window and saw a group of 6 men kicking my mother-in-law on the ground

"aren't you going to help?" screamed the wife
"no" i replied
"6 should do it"

2006-11-29 11:23:19 · 13 answers · asked by Phil C 3

)Joy to the world the world that barney is dead, we bar-b-qued his head what happened to his body? We flushed it down the potty around, around it went around, around it went around, around it went around, around it went around and around and around it went.(i know, to many around, but who cares!!!!!!!!!!)

2006-11-29 11:16:53 · 5 answers · asked by Charlie T. Unicorn 3

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2006-11-29 11:15:56 · 34 answers · asked by Chocogal 7

If it were'nt for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all..!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

According to surveys.. when making love, most men fantasise that their partners are'nt fantasising..!!
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him..!!
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Man is incomplete, until he is married ... then he is finished


I think they might all be true ...

Dr Bad

2006-11-29 11:13:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i would rather have a bottle in front of me,than a frontal lobotomy

2006-11-29 11:13:05 · 10 answers · asked by species8472 6

Some questions u probably never think about? Like can u cry underwater for an example? Can u give me some good ones that actually make sense? LOL thankz

2006-11-29 11:00:40 · 4 answers · asked by yourbiggestfan:) 4

Put down some pickup lines for me to use at the mall to ugly chicks or give me a joke please

2006-11-29 10:57:18 · 7 answers · asked by Renegade Of This Time and Age! 2

I am not white, black, orange, or blue,,,
I move quickly and I'm not old or new,,,
It's not always good to see me each day,,,
If you're a cow you may appreciate my charming way,,,
I'm still yours if you leave me behind,,,
I am what you are,,,both in life and in mind,,,
I'm both tangible and intangible,,,
Both of which are manageable,,,
What am i?

2006-11-29 10:55:51 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.


All my Love.

P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

2006-11-29 10:36:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous