Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-11-01 15:30:48 · 11 answers · asked by ♥RickySrsWife♥ 3

The answer is NOT water (well it is, but that's not what I am looking for0

2006-11-01 15:30:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The priest in a small town loved the c-o-c-k and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the c-o-c-k went missing!

The priest knew that c-o-c-k fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c-o-c-k?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c-o-c-k?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c-o-c-k that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY c-o-c-k?"

Up stood all the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat.

2006-11-01 15:24:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you something...."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to be embarrassed.I get asked that all the time."

"You do?!" Catherine asked.

"Sure," he says. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

2006-11-01 15:22:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

idk the answer that is why i am asking. so if you know it can you plz tell me.

Find whats wrong here...
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2006-11-01 15:20:04 · 7 answers · asked by taco 3

This one is painfully obvious. There are going to be some people rolling their eyes at this one!

Anyway, say you are laying in your bed and it is dark as pitch. On your bedside table, you have three items; a watch, a glass of water, and your lenses. How do you grab the glass of water without touching either the glass of water or the watch.

REMEMBER: It is COMPLETELY dark in there. You can't even see your hand in front of your face.

You can't touch the watch or the glass of water.

And no, the watch's hands are not glow-in-the-dark.

2006-11-01 15:18:51 · 19 answers · asked by Smo 4

not mean pranks... not anything like that. just fun pranks but me and my friends can laugh about l8er.... after i prank them.... :0)

2006-11-01 15:12:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer

2006-11-01 15:02:28 · 19 answers · asked by aufrecht_melcher_grossaspach_05 1

All i want is a percentage and a short answer. Thanks!!

2006-11-01 15:02:06 · 22 answers · asked by xoxoxo 3

2006-11-01 14:31:27 · 13 answers · asked by dirtydeathgutter 3

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of This old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your ... side view mirror."

2006-11-01 14:26:05 · 14 answers · asked by Eaglesfan19 3

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of This old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your ... side view mirror."

2006-11-01 14:25:51 · 8 answers · asked by Eaglesfan19 3

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind
a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out dad, she's backing up!"

2006-11-01 13:36:16 · 25 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

What are some good comebacks for any situation?

2006-11-01 13:31:16 · 13 answers · asked by Brie 2

Maria's father has 5 daughters. The first daughter is Chacha, then Cheche, Chichi, and Chocho. What is the fifth daughter's name?

2006-11-01 13:31:04 · 27 answers · asked by Singinganddancing 6

On a hot blistering summer day, a redneck cowboy come ridding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman comes into the bar and asks who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat, he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO!you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a policedog!"

2006-11-01 13:19:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She put the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

2006-11-01 13:14:19 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-01 13:12:33 · 9 answers · asked by molly 6

Half the plain lands in the USA the other half land in Cananda Half the Bagage is in the USA and the other half is in Canada where do you bury the surveys?

2006-11-01 13:08:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you’re lost in the middle of a deep forest and you found 2 paths. The other one going out the other one goes deeper in the forest. Each path has a guard the other guard always tells the truth the other guard always tells lies. How are you suppose to know your way out???

2006-11-01 13:08:10 · 9 answers · asked by tadz 2

A man has the hiccups so he goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water then he says thank you and walks out he no longer has the hiccups but he did not drink the water how is this possible?

2006-11-01 13:05:31 · 21 answers · asked by steven 2

2006-11-01 13:04:16 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

i dressed up for halloween to school. I was asked what i was. They called me evil. One guy asked of i was going to a funeral since i was in all black. I said yes, it's Satan's funeral. I'm taking his place since i'm so heavenly, and because i'd killed him

What was i?
(Hint: night)

2006-11-01 12:47:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Saw it in a newpaper article on ice hockey and it said: "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out"! Well, it was kinda of funny when I first read it!

2006-11-01 12:46:09 · 18 answers · asked by JEFFAVEGRL 4

A poor man has _________.

A rich man needs ________.

If you eat ________, you will die.

(This is an IQ question). ;)

2006-11-01 12:45:20 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Detective Leonard was always bugging his mate, Zack, to get an alarm system for the jewlery store he owned. On the end of the day that Zack had gotten it, where it would trigger if any window or door was opened, Ricky, his young assistant, cleared out the window displays, placed the felts of the precious stones in their locked drawers for the night, he anounced that he had to catch the bus and raced out to get it. Melanie, Zack's partner was putting on her jacket when she looked at the key pannel and asked if, so he didn't have to be the only one to lock up, Zack wanted to give her the code. He said no. She rolled her eyes and went out to hop onto the back of her boyfriend's Motorcycle. Zack told his last employee to go on home. he did, after switching off his computer. Zack and Leonard closed up the shop and set the alarm. An hour later, they returned to the shop to find it broken into. The entire place was trashed. 'Thanks to the alarm system,' said Leonard, 'we know who did it.'

2006-11-01 12:43:47 · 13 answers · asked by Smo 4

Their once was a guy named________he liked to_____________so he told everyone, and they all gasped then laghed at__________so he went home and ___________but then he looked in a mirror and seen a huge_________ on his face. Then he when home to _________.

THE END

(p.s. make it funny)

2006-11-01 12:37:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If life gives you lemons....

2006-11-01 12:28:53 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-01 12:23:21 · 20 answers · asked by RNM 4

2006-11-01 12:22:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous