Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

In the back woods of Kentucky, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

2006-11-02 03:18:56 · 30 answers · asked by sxc gal 4 u 1

2006-11-02 03:15:17 · 14 answers · asked by Chemgurl 2

i need it quite urgently , thanks a lot.

2006-11-02 03:13:25 · 12 answers · asked by Chemgurl 2

How would you spend it?

2006-11-02 03:11:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-02 02:56:40 · 16 answers · asked by KaLaKaR 1

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

2006-11-02 02:56:23 · 19 answers · asked by bit of fluff 2

Her chain is too long!

2006-11-02 02:52:08 · 18 answers · asked by Coyote 3

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Thatta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with **** Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at **** and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies finally opened their eyes."

2006-11-02 02:51:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Green as grass but grass it is not
Red as blood but blood it is not
White as snow but snow it is not
Black as coal but coal it is not

2006-11-02 02:48:37 · 19 answers · asked by Mattman 1

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

2006-11-02 02:46:17 · 24 answers · asked by Coyote 3

(Must Read Out Loud)
1. That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harbouring a fugitive
Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP
Kum Hia
4. Stupid Man
Dum Fuk
5. Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped the coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
14. He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odour is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

2006-11-02 02:35:10 · 32 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

"A reverend and a pirate share a name. What will you plant in their honour?"
It might be a pun or word-game, or it might be trivia I'm not getting. It has a cryptic crossword feel to it; the author is British. It should be a word or a phrase.

2006-11-02 02:25:44 · 3 answers · asked by Cobalt 4

2006-11-02 02:17:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok! Ok!...I admit it..i cant seem to think of any goood jokes today......!.......

2006-11-02 02:16:07 · 21 answers · asked by Coyote 3

a snowman and a snowwoman?

2006-11-02 02:10:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-02 02:07:21 · 14 answers · asked by Steve C 5

Tee hee hee!

2006-11-02 02:00:14 · 15 answers · asked by Coyote 3

If a plane crashed right on the border of USA and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?

I say USA.

2006-11-02 01:59:25 · 15 answers · asked by wdzone 3

Pick the month (number) you were born in:
1-----I fell in love with
2-----I ate
3-----I smacked
4-----I sang to
5-----I gave my number to
6-----I murdered
7-----I shot
8-----I gave a lap dance to
9-----I choked on
10----I bitched out
11----I had sex with
12----I humped


Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1--------A homeless guy
2--------your mom
3--------a banana
4--------a fork
5--------a Mexican
6--------a gangster
7--------a hooker
8--------an ipod
9--------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------a goat
11-------my dog
12-------a ninja
13-------the computer
14-------my neighbor
15-------a football player
16-------myself
17-------a Jones soda
18-------a llama
19-------a pickle
20-------a stuffed animal
21-------a permanent marker
22-------my dad
23-------a condom
24-------my psychiatrist
25-------a policeman
26-------my brother
27-------my sister
28-------a baseball bat
29-------a DVD player
30-------a paperclip
31-------my cell phone

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White-------Because I was high.
Black-------Because I was drunk.
Pink--------Because I'm NOT homosexual.
Red---------Because the voices told me to.
Blue--------Because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green-------Because I hate myself.
Purple------Because I'm naked.
Gray--------Because that's how I roll.
Yellow------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange------Because I hate my family.
Other-------Because that's how I roll.


Now put that in the subject line and send to all of your friends to make
them laugh too!!!

2006-11-02 01:56:25 · 28 answers · asked by Sexy-baby 3

This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway
Ireland, and even though it may sound like something out of the X Files
or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real!

This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens
and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's stranded
miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of
the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation.

It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night
rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a
few feet ahead of him.





Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards
him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy
opens the car's door and jumps in.
Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved
him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though
there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car
starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve
coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop
beyond the curve).

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve
safely and continues on the road to the next bend.

The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every
time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to
get the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches
open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs
as hard and fast as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. Wet
and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a
drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot.

And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience
he's just been through.

A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk, and
Is really frightened - he's crying and shaking.

So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether
to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the
other, "Look, that's the fe**ing eejit that got in the car when we were
pushing it."

2006-11-02 01:56:11 · 9 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

There is a Grandfather, a Father, and two sons on a boat. They are starving and there are only 3 apples to eat. How do you divide the apples equally among them so that each get one apple?

2006-11-02 01:50:57 · 17 answers · asked by Domanick 2

A blonde went to a ventiloquist show. the ventriloquist used his dummy to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter but the blonde was angry.
"How dare you make fun of blondes!" The ventriloquist replied saying "Madam, I'm very sorry but it's just part of the act."
The blonde screamed "You shut up! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"

2006-11-02 01:48:31 · 18 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2006-11-02 01:44:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde goes into a chemist to buy deodarant for her husband. Assistant asks "Is it the ball kind?"
"No," replies blonde "it's for under his arms."

2006-11-02 01:42:19 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

it goes like this
hhmm mm hhhmmm tada dada diidaida
hhhhmmm diidii da diiiidadada tada nananana
dida nanana

2006-11-02 01:31:48 · 12 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:





Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!


Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-02 01:27:18 · 20 answers · asked by LunaFaye 4

what comes next in this sequence

134, 121, 80, 72, 65, ?

2006-11-02 01:02:18 · 10 answers · asked by The brainteaser 5

When we went to China to adopt our Daughter, we stayed in Fuzhou. During the time we were there I heard of a Buddhist monastary on the top of a small mountain just outside the city. I climbed the path up the mountain with my new daughter in a carrier on my chest to ask a blessing for her future. There were many others climbing this path and we all touched the many stone lion's that protected us and the path. I save this memory by glancing up at my bookshelf at one of the earliest best selling novels in the USA.

2006-11-02 00:59:32 · 5 answers · asked by Terry 7

A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner but does'nt tell the kids what it is.
He says he will give them a clue, "It's what mum calls me sometimes."
The daughter screams and shouts "Don't eat it, it's a f*****g a**e hole!"

2006-11-02 00:41:42 · 19 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

That when a silly/funny question is asked, some people answer it really serious and others take it for the humour its ment... please help lol

2006-11-02 00:34:22 · 23 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6