Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

There are two kids; a 4yr old, and a 5yr old. One morning before breakfast, the 5yr old looks at the 4yr old and says, "You know, I think we're old enough to start swearing... When mom calls us down for breakfast, you say ***, and I'll say Hell...."

The 4yr old nods his head in agreement.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, "KIDS! COME GET BREAKFAST!!" Their mom calls.

When they get to the table, the mother looks at the 5yr old and says lovingly "Son, what would you like for breakfast?"
The 5yr old says "Aaaww HELL Ma, I think I'll have.... Cheerie-Os!"
Well, the mother spanks the 5yr old, grounds him, and sends him upstairs with no breakfast....

Then the mother turns to the 4yr old, hands on her hips, and sternly says "What would YOU like for breakfast young man!?"

The 4yr old, wide eyed, shakes his head and says "I don't know, but you can bet your *** I don't want Cheerie-Os!!!!"

2006-11-02 05:45:05 · 26 answers · asked by just nate 4

it a dificalt 1

2006-11-02 05:41:38 · 24 answers · asked by cazzay 1

He who needs it, rarely buys it.
He who buys it, rarely uses it.
He who uses it, never knows it....
WHO AM I?

2006-11-02 05:34:58 · 30 answers · asked by Dylanne 6

Sister Isabel was instructing young Sister Barbara on how to give Father Malachy his nightly bath because he could no longer do it himself. "Now, its your first time doing this, so remember to avert your eyes and to pray for strength."
The next morning Sister Isabel sees a radiant Sister Barbara and she asked her, "What are you so happy about?"
She replies, "Oh Sister! I have been saved!"
"Oh yes, how is that?"
"Well, Father Malachy told me that if his key to eternal life fit perfect in my lock of humanity, then I would be saved. And it did! Oh, I'm so happy!"
"The key to eternal life, eh? That old coot. He told me it was the the Horn of Gabriel and I've been blowing it every day for 15 years".

2006-11-02 05:28:40 · 23 answers · asked by Barbi 4

Is a dead Parrott

2006-11-02 05:28:10 · 7 answers · asked by colin050659 6

Yo mama is so fat, .she has more "chins" than a Chinese phone book.
Yo mama so fat, she has more rolls than a bakery.
Yo mama so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

2006-11-02 05:11:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oct 25 = Dec 31

Think about it...

(I'll post an explanation in a few hours (as an added detail) if someone hasn't already posted it)

Have fun :-P

2006-11-02 05:07:26 · 6 answers · asked by warped_factor_ten 2

being australian is about driving in a german car to an irish pub for a belgium beer, then travelling home, grabbing and indian curry or a turkish kebab on the way, to sit on swedish furniture and watch american shows on a japanese tv.

2006-11-02 05:04:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

..

2006-11-02 05:03:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both irritate Bush.

2006-11-02 05:01:49 · 10 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

It got pissed off.

2006-11-02 04:59:52 · 17 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

“Toes go in first.”

2006-11-02 04:55:29 · 16 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A roomful of people who don't do dick!

2006-11-02 04:53:46 · 9 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A bus shelter of course!!

2006-11-02 04:40:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters." So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need." So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio.

2006-11-02 04:40:43 · 12 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Many years ago i saw a poem written on the wall of the Wheelhouse youth club in Bournemouth
It started off like this "Its no use standing on the seat the crabs in here can jump 6 feet " This was added on to until the wall was covered with a dozen or so witty verses, Anybody know the rest of this ??

2006-11-02 04:39:58 · 5 answers · asked by psychodad 3

I know a couple -- one of them live in Holden Massachusetts at one time and would introduce himself as, "Hi, I'm Dick (Richard) Hertz from Holden."

and the other was a Geography teacher... a Mr. Dick (Richard) Head

How about you - ever met anyone who had parents that should of really thought first?

2006-11-02 04:33:24 · 7 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

2006-11-02 04:32:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anything but a Canadian Club!

2006-11-02 04:31:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

at the divorce courts.
"you cannot get a divorce because of her teeth" says the judge
mickey is outraged to hear that he cannot get a divorce on such cosmetic groundsand screams out
"but she's f**king goofy"

2006-11-02 04:29:09 · 19 answers · asked by crunchymonkey 6

dont ever become freinds with a man named Bruno, whos nickname is also "spider". or youll end up in the penn like me

2006-11-02 04:23:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Elderly Firefighters


One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

2006-11-02 04:21:44 · 11 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

that he didnt feel 2 grand, the doctor performs the general examinations but nothing found, the doc decides to perform a rectal examination to which the patient agrees.
the doctor was quite suprised to find a pound coin up there and asks the patient if he feels better
"a little he said but not much"
the doc decides to continue the exam and finds a £5note then a £10 not and continues.
at the end of the examination the doc has a pile of cash which he has pulled from this guys bum, counts it up to the total of £1999 and qusetions the patient as to why it was up there.
he answers "well i told you i didnt feel 2 grand now did i?"

2006-11-02 04:20:20 · 13 answers · asked by crunchymonkey 6

a man walks into the doctors wearing only clingfilm
the doctor says "i can clearly see your nuts"

2006-11-02 04:17:35 · 43 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-02 04:05:49 · 25 answers · asked by ravians 3

Bad Mouthed Parrot





So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,"OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

2006-11-02 04:02:02 · 11 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Airplane Takes Off



A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

2006-11-02 04:00:22 · 12 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

laid an egg and a half in a day in a half, how many days would it take to make a dozen?

2006-11-02 03:56:09 · 11 answers · asked by NEWTOME 3

this is some kind of riddle

2006-11-02 03:27:13 · 10 answers · asked by Krystal A 1

2006-11-02 03:20:05 · 11 answers · asked by icouldbe007 2