Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

What would you call a muslim with a piece of bacon on hi head

2006-11-02 10:58:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

here is a brain teaser that stumped me:

MOTH
CRY
CRY
CRY

2006-11-02 10:57:34 · 11 answers · asked by Debbie C 1

first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the table and a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a black eye staring back at him in the mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love u!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and there's hot breakfast and a morning newspaper. His son also at the table. Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, u came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind. U broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got a black eye when u ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged u to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, u screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

2006-11-02 10:53:58 · 27 answers · asked by english_rose10 3

2006-11-02 10:48:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the difference between ET and a Immigrant?



1 ET looked better

2 ET Spoke English

3 ET didn’t claim benefits

4 ET had his own bike

5 but most importantly of all ET wanted to go home and went home!

2006-11-02 10:45:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-02 10:45:38 · 12 answers · asked by Steve C 5

2006-11-02 10:38:31 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-02 10:35:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pair of newly weds win a trip to mars....
In the hotel bar they meet an alien couple who suggest a partner swap...
They decide to go for it!
The woman takes her alien to bed, and he when he pats his head, his willy gets longer...
As he rubs his tummy, his willy gets wider and harder...
She has the time of her life.
In the morning she meets up with her husband, who is extremely grumpy...
She asked if he had a good time (being as he was so keen)...
He said "NO - the stupid thing just patted my head and rubbed my tummy all night..."

2006-11-02 10:35:16 · 13 answers · asked by Ali 3

A pair of newly weds win a trip to mars....
In the hotel bar they meet an alien couple who suggest a partner swap...
They decide to go for it!
The woman takes her alien to bed, and he when he pats his head, his willy gets longer...
As he rubs his tummy, his willy gets wider and harder...
She has the time of her life.
In the morning she meets up with her husband, who is extremely grumpy...
She asked if he had a good time (being as he was so keen)...
He said "NO - the stupid thing just patted my head and rubbed my tummy all night..."

2006-11-02 10:32:54 · 5 answers · asked by Ali 3

george bushes wife died and went to heaven when she got there she saw clocks, every person in the world had a clock and the second hand moved once second every time they lied so mrs bush asks the arc angel
"wheres georges clock"
the angel said
"o you cant see georges clock"
she replies
"well why not"
the angel responds
it in gods office
she then replied
"why is it in gods offce"
the angel replied
"gods kinda using it as a ceiling fan"

2006-11-02 10:32:01 · 21 answers · asked by sxc gal 4 u 1

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

2006-11-02 10:29:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things I hate about everybody.....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the
time....I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at
my *censored* when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their fanny to
search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the
TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
What good is a cake if you can't eat it?!

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the Heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

2006-11-02 10:23:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

by tomarrow 11-3-06

2006-11-02 10:20:41 · 18 answers · asked by ZdOg 1

The hall was full of shareholders, at least 2,000 - including the board of directors who were seated in the front row.

The meeting began and an announcement over the speakers introduced the President of the Corporation who made his way to the lectern on the stage.

He smiled, welcomed all the delegates to the Annual General Meeting and then began his speech.

"This time last year, ladies and gentleman, the Chairman and Board of Directors of this Corporation were standing on the edge of a very high precipise! I am pleased to say that since that time they have taken a major step forward!"

2006-11-02 10:19:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint E.T likes them and they are made by Hershey's

2006-11-02 10:16:43 · 5 answers · asked by gerbil31603 5

To those who fight righteously, they must always have me. To those who seek justice for justice, not revenge, I shall be there. Those who serve evil will never truely find me. God puts me in the world. I may seem to disappear but I shall never truely depart. What Am I?

2006-11-02 10:14:28 · 4 answers · asked by DJ Electric Sun 1

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2006-11-02 10:13:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he? So was is so humorus about a bald headed bear?

2006-11-02 10:09:20 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Lola 3

Greg was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.



Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.



In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.



A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.



As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"



The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of
a ghost"

2006-11-02 09:52:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man & woman met in a bar and fell instantly in love. "Let's get married" he said "But we don't know anything about each other she said. "That's alright we'll learn as we go along!" said the young man "OK then!" The following day they marry and fly off to Spain for their honeymoon.

The next morning they go down to the swimming pool where they lie on their sunbeds. After a while the young man gets up and walks off to the diving board. He climbed the steps to the top most board and did an impressive high dive with twists and turns. His new wife was aghast! When he sat down she asked him where he learnt to dive like that and he said "Ah, well I won Gold Medal at the Olympics - I told you we'd get to know each other as we went along.

With that his new wife jumped into the pool and thrashed across the water at an incredible speed. When she returned her husband said "where did you learn that?" "Oh I was a prostitute in Venice and worked both sides of the canal!"

2006-11-02 09:52:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a square contains 4 squares within it.
move 4 lines to make only 3 squares. (all the same size)
anyone?:)

2006-11-02 09:52:01 · 3 answers · asked by realarts04 1

What do I do???

2006-11-02 09:51:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's the year 860 A.D., at Camelot. Two priests are sitting in the castle's chapel. The queen attacks the king. The two priests rise, shake hands, and leave the room.

What happened?

(Answer later)

2006-11-02 09:50:38 · 9 answers · asked by Smo 4

Answer - Rename the file - INSTRUCTION MANUAL.

2006-11-02 09:41:59 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stan comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me
another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a
lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

Stan sighs, "It's started . . "

2006-11-02 09:40:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer - So they can remember which end to wipe. !!

2006-11-02 09:28:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im soo drunk.

2006-11-02 09:25:06 · 6 answers · asked by ladyfish1963 3

he asks her what is wrong, and she tells him she is having a heart attack. He rushes to the phone, but just before he dials, his son runs up to him and says, "Dad, uncle Mike is in your wardrobe and he has no clothes on". He rushes upstairs, throws open the wardrobe door, and sure enough, there is his brother naked..
"What kind of man are you?, he shouts at his brother, "my wife is having a heart attack, and you are running around naked scaring the kids".

2006-11-02 09:22:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

read..read...how long you understand.think with your brain.

2006-11-02 09:18:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous