Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Doctor says "I've got some bad news for you, I'm sorry but your condition is terminal"
"How long have I got doc" He asks
"About 12 " the doctor replies
"Twelve what? Twelve MONTHS ?Twelve Weeks? Twelve days?"
He asks impatiently
Doc " 11, 10 ,9, 8 ........... "

2006-11-02 07:48:52 · 10 answers · asked by jabelite 3

What is your profession, or who are you?

Relate to all those light bulb jokes..
http://answers.yahoo.com/search/search_result;_ylt=AsNlZ6AyYTlGXWryprMvc48PzKIX?p=+change+a+light+bulb

2006-11-02 07:48:13 · 7 answers · asked by StupendousMan 5

This a riddle on my sister homework and i can't figure it out!!! Please help

2006-11-02 07:46:54 · 12 answers · asked by tiger_9885 3

2006-11-02 07:45:17 · 13 answers · asked by bobby_fischer3 1

Ask your mom!!!

LOL-- come on, that's a joke! Don't get mad!! I know half of you are probably going to report me; but the other half (the FUN half) are going to repeat this to your friends later. :)

2006-11-02 07:42:00 · 9 answers · asked by ♣fo' by fo'♠ 3

a blonde gets a job on a building site as a handygirl,
forgetting to put on her hard hat she walked past the scaffolding when a scaffold pole falls down and takes off her left ear clean,
after some frantic searching the foreman calls her over and says " i have found an ear is it yours?"
she lookes for a while before saying "no mine had a pencil behind it"

2006-11-02 07:40:04 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

He Said "Doc, I think I'm going deaf"
Doctors asks "what's the simtons?"
" A small yellow cartoon family but what's that got to do with it?"

2006-11-02 07:38:39 · 16 answers · asked by jabelite 3

Ethel was a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting speed on the long halls Because she was one sandwich short of a picnic residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one hall when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm stretched ,Stop he shouted, Have you got a license for that thing? Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a kit kat wrapper and held it up to him, ok he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, Stop Have you got proof of insurance? Ethel dug into her handbag pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold said on you way Maam. As Ethel neared the final hall Crazzy Craig steped out in front of her naked and holding his ,you know what in his hand, Oh good grief yelled Ethel NOT THAT DAMN BREATHALYZER TEST AGAIN

2006-11-02 07:24:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

>

>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

>

>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

>

>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

>

>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

>

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

>

>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off.

>

>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
How Funny!!!

2006-11-02 07:11:00 · 15 answers · asked by angiepangy100 2

a redhead a brunette and a blonde walk into the office canteen on the 20th floor, they sit down and take out their lunches, the redhead has a cheese sandwich and moans " not cheese again, if i have cheese sandwiches again tomorrow , i am opening the window and jumping out". the brunette takes out her sandwich and sees it ham and says " not ham again, if i have ham tomorrow i will also jump out of the window". the blonde takes out her sandwich and sees it peanut butter when she moans " i hate peanut butter , if i have peanut butter tomorrow i will also jump out of the window.
the next day they all return to the canteen and have exactly the same sandwiches and one by one they jump to their grisly death.
all the boyfriends are called to the scene and in tears the reds boyfriend said" i dont understand it why didnt she say i would of made her something else" the brunettes said exactly the same, and the blondes boyfriend said "what i dont understand is she made her own sandwiches"

2006-11-02 07:08:43 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

i hear so many different things about what a red neck is, says or does..my bf says there hateful, my bestfreind says he one cause he like country music, my other friend says he one cause he light to fight .. i cant tell if someone is one or not so what is a redneck

2006-11-02 07:08:30 · 20 answers · asked by ? 5

You are locked in a jail cell with no windows. and you need to tap out a message on the wall for the man in the other cell next to you. The problem is that you have to do it at exactly 9:15 PM, when the guard outside is switched, so your noise won't be noticed. You can't hear the switching of the guards through your walls, and you have no clock.

There is a faucet with water dripping very consistently from it in the corner, but you don't know if it is dripping at 30 or 40 or however many drops per minute, and that wouldn't give you the time in any case. You can just make out the chiming of a church bell, but it chimes just once at the top of each hour, so you can't tell the time from that. You can feel the wall facing west start to cool after the sun sets, but you don't know what time the sun is setting, and this isn't very precise in any case. Your dinner is always passed into your cell between 6:15 and 6:45. How do you determine when it is exactly 9:15 PM?

2006-11-02 07:03:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you get a clown off of a see-saw?


Hit it in the face with an axe lol


good for people who dont like clowns

2006-11-02 07:02:54 · 39 answers · asked by sacredlikefire 1

A woman walked into a tattoo parlour and asked the tattooist if he would put a picture of a turkey on her left buttock and a picture of Father Christmas and a raindeer on her right buttock.
Now the tattooist was used to the strangest requests but this was so unusual he had to ask why.
"Well," replied the woman, "My husband's always complaining that there's never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
----------------
While his wife was still alive, the husband bought her a headstone engraved with the words "Here lies Doris, cold as usual."
The wife was so angry she immediately went out and got a headstone for him, with the words, "In memory of Fred, stiff at last."
---------------------
The local radio staion was doing a feature about life on isolated farms. They interviewed one such farmer and asked him whether it was true that people like him sha*g*d cattle, sheep, goats and chickens.
"WHAT!" roared the outraged farmer, "chickens!?!?"

2006-11-02 07:00:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a bear and a rabbit in the woods are both taking a dump, the bear looked at the rabbit and asked "do have a problem with poop sticking to you fur?"
the rabbit replied "no"
so the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his bum with him.

2006-11-02 06:59:04 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-02 06:54:12 · 27 answers · asked by porker animal 2

2 nutters in an asylum and one of them is flicking a torch on and off while the other one looks on.the nut with the torch says to the other one ''i bet you £50 you cant climb up the beam of this torch'' the other nut says ''what?do you think i am stupid?i know what your'e like i would get halfway up and you will turn the torch off''

2006-11-02 06:52:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned
that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you , That was wonderful, but are my test results back?

2006-11-02 06:50:47 · 16 answers · asked by ~Shy~Girl~ 2

went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2006-11-02 06:47:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the car park of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge trimmer, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

2006-11-02 06:44:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A builder was at the top of a high scaffold, when he realised he needed a saw. Two floors below him, he spotted his mate so he called to him.
"Pete!" he hollered. "I" he said, pointing to his eye, "need" he continued, pointing to his knee, "a saw" he finished, making a sawing movement with his hands.
But then to his astonishment, his mate took out his wil*y and began mast*rbat*ng. So quickly, the builder came down to where his mate was standing and said, "Bill, what the hell are you doing?"
"I was just letting you know I was coming," replied his mate, innocently. :)

2006-11-02 06:43:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return
any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

2006-11-02 06:40:19 · 12 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

in a shop one picks up a perfume sample from the counter.Sharon sprays in on her wrist
" That nice inn't,don't u think trace?
"Yeah whats it called?
"Vien a mol"
"What the fu*k does that mean shaz?
The assistant pipes up " Its french for come to me"
Shaz sniffs her wrist again "Don't smell like c*m to me does it to you Trace ?

2006-11-02 06:38:35 · 14 answers · asked by whospiltmypint 2

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

2006-11-02 06:38:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Colonoscopy


I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.


After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:


a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.^


When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,

but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......


Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

2006-11-02 06:25:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest on the way to meet her Grandma when she spots someone moving.
"Mr. Wolf, Mr Wolf," she shouts, "I can see you!" Come out from behind that tree."
"Bug*er off," he replies angrily and disappears deeper into the forest.
Moments later, Red Riding Hood spots him again.
"Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf!" she calls, "I can see you behind the bush."
The wolf glowers at her and runs off. A short while later she sees him hiding behind a big rock.
"I can see you!, I can see you!," she shouts, pointing her finger at him.
"Now look here," says the wolf, "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in the forest?"
"I'm Little Red Riding Hood and I'm on my way to see Grandma," she replies.
"Well f**k off and do it," yelled the wolf, "and let me have a cr*p in peace!" :)

2006-11-02 06:24:03 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know--- shame on me!!!! It's just a joke. :)

2006-11-02 06:20:44 · 13 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

Just a bit of fun.

You're on a life raft drifting out to sea with 4 other survivors of a ship wreck. The raft is going to sink unless one person 'vacates' and everybody is starving so it's pretty obvious that somebody has to go!

What reason do you give to save your sorry bottom and not be the one to get eaten?

2006-11-02 06:13:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a very windy day and a little old lady is in the street holding on to her hat with both hands. A gust of wind blows her skirt up revealing she has no underwear on and she's arrested for indecent exposure.
The judge says, "Madem, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, while you tried to save your hat." The old lady replies, "Why should I?".....Everything under my skirt is eighty years old - that hat was brand new!" :)

2006-11-02 06:10:34 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...

Little Johnny walked up to the front of he class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well,the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"I don't know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2006-11-02 06:02:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous