Good advice???? If you have any more I'd be pleased to here them?

Question

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine ? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS... Need to dispose of a body ? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Parcel Force..... You will never see it agai

Answer 1

SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid to do it.

WEIGHT WATCHERS. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

ANOREXICS. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

LADIES. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

OLYMPIC ATHLETES. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by simply running a bit slower and letting someone else win.

SMOKERS. Save on matches and lighters. Simply light your next *** from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, you should tell them about yours, and ask for a nice juicy steak.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

HEAVY SMOKERS. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

CORSA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

GIRLS. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

AVOID expensive parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your **** before holding the glass close to their nose.
Minimise the risk of breaking your arm by avoiding swans wherever possible.

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

Answer 2

Hi Sylvia, Think the idea of rubber gloves is great but I would go one better - buy a dish washer and tell him that you bought if for him to save him from doing the washing up as you didnt like the idea of him spending too much time at the sink!!! And also this means you can both spend more time together!! Happy birthday to sylvia's Hubby!!!

Answer 3

You totally had me in stitches with the rapper comment! Personally, I wish the entire population would learn to speak and spell properly. I even have trouble understanding the presenters on Blue Peter these days. What is that Irish girl on about?Why does Eamon Holmes (who apparently has a degree in English) insist on referring to films as 'FILLIMS'? The weirdo!

Answer 4

Love the cinema one!

Answer 5

Excellent irony! Why is that irony is sadly lacking on this site though? Long may it continue.

Answer 6

Yea !! Promising to pay heed to your elderly friendly advices, so that we can bring a revolutinary change and un ending happiness in our lives ! Thanks for them ! Ha ha ha ....Good ones with a hidden ounch in them ! Good I liked them !!!

Answer 7

hahahahahahaha!!! f*cking hilarious! especially the cinema goers.

Answer 8

i love it.....i had tears streaming down my face laughin.
you really did just brighten up my day no end
thank you so much xx

Answer 9

hehe

Answer 10

Love the ipod one. Ho ho!

Answer 11

Like it !!