Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

2007-01-07 01:52:43 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

can u pls tell me whom or phat is d haltiast form of d crackin world?

2007-01-07 01:48:24 · 14 answers · asked by amazed !!! 4

joke1
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don`t worry, Sir, - it`s not that hot!
joke2
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
joke3--
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

2007-01-07 01:47:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a frau d. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun s till in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the **** would you say?

2007-01-07 01:45:38 · 14 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

What do you call a person that doesnt belive in GOD?
Well one day Bob (this person doesnt belive in GOD) was walking through the woods and thought that it was so beautiful. So he went in deeper and it was even prettier than what he has seen before. Well suddenly he heard rustles in the bushes and out pops a bear. The bear put his paws up and about to eat Bob when something happens. God stopped everything and said you have told people that I am not real and now you want me to safe you and Bob says yea that would be unfair well dont turn me Christain turn the bear Christian and God makes a deal. Now everything is resumed. The bear closes his paws and starts to pray. Then he has a very yummy lunch.

Was it funny? Leave a reply. Thanks DC.

2007-01-07 01:44:22 · 10 answers · asked by Doloris C 1

2007-01-07 01:42:19 · 5 answers · asked by Richard 7

there is this kid at my school and he's really fat but he annoys me so im hoping that if i insult him he will stop

2007-01-07 01:36:14 · 8 answers · asked by Doloris C 1

2007-01-07 01:35:53 · 30 answers · asked by Richard 7

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it!
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

2007-01-07 01:26:16 · 17 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

A blond and a red head where in a convertable with the top down, the car when off a cliff and into a body of water that was very deep the red head undid her seatbelt and swam up in about 20seconds in took the blond almost 1min and half when she asked her why it took her so long she said "I coundn't get the door open" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

2007-01-07 01:09:15 · 18 answers · asked by kjorahe 2

to a gothic person?


to a comidian?


to win a yo mama challenge?


about an egg?


or to some who never say jokes that make sense

2007-01-07 01:05:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



why did the rooster cross the road?

and

what do you get when a baker maries an indian



thx

2007-01-07 01:00:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

2007-01-07 00:41:15 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points for best joke.

2007-01-07 00:37:57 · 9 answers · asked by HoneyZ2 2

This guy walks into a pet store. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of
cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot, that can tell him what goes on at
his house, during the day while he is at work.
'Well' says the pet store owner, 'I only got one bird that can do that; but he's
got no legs. The guy looks at him and says, 'Well if he ain't got no legs,
how's he balance himself on the perch. 'He's got a really long penis, (the owner says)
so, he wraps it around the perch.' The guy thinks it over for a minute
and decides to buy the parrot. He takes it home, and sure enough the bird wraps
his penis around the perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him.
Every time the same answer, 'Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk'.
Well, one day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage.
He picks it up and asks what has happened. 'Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings'.
'Well, what happened?' asks the man. The parrot responds, 'Raawk, first your best
friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started
kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt.
'And, and, then what happens?' asks the man really upset.
'Raawk, I don't know, that's when I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

2007-01-07 00:34:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-01-07 00:01:12 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.


Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bedside. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."


The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"


Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."


The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"


"Denephew," his brother replied.

2007-01-06 23:57:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

powerfully-built guy who met a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2007-01-06 23:53:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-01-06 23:48:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman sees a very handsome man at her mother's funeral. She kills her sister the next day. Why?

2007-01-06 23:46:48 · 19 answers · asked by Balaboo 5

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side " When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

2007-01-06 23:45:24 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2007-01-06 23:41:23 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why can't Smokey the Bear make sweet love to his wife?

Because every time she gets hot, he beats her with a shovel...

2007-01-06 23:36:26 · 6 answers · asked by Eho 5

and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife if they can make love - Naturally, she agrees.
About 6 hrs later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please . . . just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . .?"
At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen, Morris, I have to get up in the morning . . . you don't

2007-01-06 23:33:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Chinese couple gets married?
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan.....numma 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ..."You wan.... Beef wi' Broccori?"

2007-01-06 23:28:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This bloke's ram dies just before lambing season. So he phones his neighbour who also is a famer and asks him how much would it cost him to buy a ram from him. He reply's 3000 pounds the bloke say's he can't afford that type of money. His neighbour say's make love to them yourself.

So the next morning the bloke take's his Landrover and put 6 sheep into it and drives off to a place were he makes love to them and he then returns to the farmhouse.

The following morning he looks out the farmhouse window and the sheep are still standing and not lying on the belly's a pregnant sheep do.

So once again 6 sheep go into the Landrover for a seeing to?

The next morning his wife is getting up and he asks her to look out the window as he's knackered. His wife looks out and reply's there not standing up or on their belly's?

What are they up to said the bloke.

Oh there sheep jumping into the Landrover and one is tooting the horn!

2007-01-06 23:27:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

All we can remember is the punchline; "The man came home and found a person dead outside his front door. He opened the front door and said to his bird WHO WAS THAT MAN? The bird answered; IT WAS DA PLUMBER!" Any takers?

2007-01-06 23:25:59 · 4 answers · asked by Wendy 5

4 men were captured and buried up to their necks in the sand. They're placed in this order A, B, C wall D. There's a wall placed between C and D. They were all buried facing only 1 direction, so each can only see the person in front. Their captors put on each of their heads a skull cap, A, B, C and D were told that on their heads is either a white or black cap (there are 2 white caps and 2 black caps).

These men were told that anyone who got the correct cap colour on their heads, they will all be set free. So question is, which of them will get it right, A, B, C or D.
(Hint: Definitely not D as he can't see anything but the horizon, and the answer is logical)

First person getting it right gets 10 points =)

2007-01-06 23:25:31 · 11 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

2007-01-06 23:21:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.

When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."

The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"

The doctor says, "Change of plans -- I'm going to drown the bastard."

2007-01-06 23:13:48 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous