Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

a riddle

2007-01-06 23:10:45 · 11 answers · asked by subby 1

An farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, and
so on.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop
standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the
pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the
woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and
goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are
laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking
the horn."

2007-01-06 23:06:48 · 22 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

2007-01-06 23:00:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little
Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It
appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador
Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied
around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog
was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine
you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you
tied that rope around his neck."

"Yes," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

2007-01-06 22:57:58 · 17 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-06 22:50:16 · 5 answers · asked by vangrey 1

When i reach certain lvl in here will i evovle like a Pokemon???And will i learn some skill like fire skill to burn up yo *** or water skill to wash your pen??????

2007-01-06 22:45:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"

So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day.

He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks

2007-01-06 22:44:36 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that’s terrible!"

"No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

2007-01-06 22:41:30 · 31 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

What is my name?No funny/bad/ugly/stupid/idiotic/nonsense answers OK!

2007-01-06 22:36:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

2007-01-06 22:20:22 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

joke

2007-01-06 22:05:59 · 5 answers · asked by debray 1

There is a pink single story house and everything in it is pink. The doors are pink, the windows are pink and the TV is pink. What color are the stairs?

2007-01-06 21:55:18 · 12 answers · asked by :o;X 1

2007-01-06 21:40:05 · 12 answers · asked by abc 2

As his wife comes down the stairs he says "This is the pig I've been fooling around with." The wife says "That's not a pig. It's a sheep!" To which the man replies "I wasn't talking to you".

2007-01-06 21:38:53 · 14 answers · asked by Commander 3

2007-01-06 21:35:10 · 3 answers · asked by abc 2

I wonder if anyone can help me with this. As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with 7 wives. Each wife had 7 cats, each cat had 7 kits.

Kits, cats, men and wives, how many were going to St. Ives?

2007-01-06 21:06:48 · 21 answers · asked by Not Ecky Boy 6

what is orange and looks good on hippies?
FIRE

2007-01-06 21:03:24 · 13 answers · asked by EWE ANCHOR 3

first you twist it, then you dunk it then you lick it then you put the dunked bit in your mouth.. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE UN-DUNCKED BIT??!?!?!?

2007-01-06 21:03:17 · 5 answers · asked by •Bamydam• 2

James bond dies and starts for heaven

His secretary badly wants to find out


if he safely reached there. So, she calls up heaven.





A sweet female voice picked up and said:
"This is Virgin Mary speaking".




"Damn it",
the secretary said and hung up.


!

She calls again after 10 minutes. The same voice:




"This is Virgin Mary speaking".




"Damn it. He hasn't reached yet",
the secretary said and hung up again.




She calls again after 1 hour. This time the voice said:
"This is Mary speaking".




"Thank you!! Take proper care of him",
she said and hung up.

2007-01-06 21:00:27 · 13 answers · asked by stone 4

2007-01-06 20:58:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

2007-01-06 20:55:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which
makes the Tickle Me
Elmos toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at
the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and
begins to rant about the
new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole

line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see
this for himself, so the

two men march down to the factory floor. When
they get there the
line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmos all over the
factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up. At the end of

the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmos. She

has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
of small marbles. The
two men watch in amazement as she cuts a
little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena. I'm sorry,"he
says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

2007-01-06 20:55:03 · 9 answers · asked by stone 4

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Bubba replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit!!! >From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats"!!

2007-01-06 20:52:20 · 6 answers · asked by stone 4

2007-01-06 20:48:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One could feel the balls in the heat of the moment.

2007-01-06 19:56:33 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. Jeff - It is what it is ☺ 6

Three men are lost in a jungle and they stumble upon a tribe of cannibals. The chief agrees to spare their lives only if they perform a certain task. The chief demands that the men go into the jungle and gather three pieces of any types of fruit. The first man comes back with three apples. The chief says, "If you want to walk away unharmed, place those fruits in your anus without a trace of emotion on your face." The man puts the first apple in without problems, but on the second apple, he winces in pain and they kill him. The second man comes back with three cherries. The chief tells him the same thing. Just as the man was about to put in the last cherry, he burst out laughing and they killed him. In heaven, the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh? You were so close to escaping!" The second man replied, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

2007-01-06 19:42:04 · 19 answers · asked by Mon Ray 4

man1--i know the password of ur email id,,
man2--what is it?
man1--its " ****** "
man2--wrong,,its " 123456 " !!!

2007-01-06 19:29:28 · 18 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

Name an English word of more than 2 letters that both begins and ends with the letters "he" in that order. There are two possible answers.

p.s. "hehe" is not acceptable...

2007-01-06 19:16:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q--which is better,,a bar of chocolate or eternal happiness?
A--nothing is better than eternal happiness,,a bar of chocoate is better than nothing,,hence a bar of chocolate is better than eternal happiness !!!

2007-01-06 19:13:57 · 14 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

I come in different shapes and sizes. Part of me are curves, others are straight. You can put me anywhere you like, but there is only one right place for me.
What am I?

2007-01-06 19:04:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous