Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

chewing gum cross the road????

2007-01-07 05:11:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

2007-01-07 05:10:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

2007-01-07 05:01:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 05:01:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 05:00:38 · 10 answers · asked by GRANDMA 3

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

2007-01-07 04:58:17 · 53 answers · asked by a 1

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

2007-01-07 04:53:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everthing neat and tidy. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pilow. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Mom, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

2007-01-07 04:49:16 · 17 answers · asked by quilm 3

2007-01-07 04:47:19 · 10 answers · asked by Afi 7

when a funeral procession goes by on the nearby road! The eldest of the two chaps,takes of his cap,and bows his head,whispering the lords prayer! WOW,says the other bloke,thats the most considerate thing ive ever seen,i never new you were that thoughtful! Well its the least one can do he says reaching for his driver, after all we were married for 20years??????????????/

2007-01-07 04:36:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.

However, a beutiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.

And this is what he sang.

"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"

2007-01-07 04:35:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oh why?

Just to meet people...

works for me (q.)

2007-01-07 04:31:21 · 16 answers · asked by Dogtor 4

Lying in bed, his wife says
'Darling, would you like to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet?'
'Oh, yes please!'
'OK, go and get me a glass of water then.'

2007-01-07 04:31:00 · 7 answers · asked by lulu 6

it tends to live in wet places it is a south american mammal.

2007-01-07 04:28:52 · 13 answers · asked by powerfulpierre 1

A funeral service is being held in a Church for an Irish woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Church and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

2007-01-07 04:21:46 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door.Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor.

The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

"Great!" replied Bozo. "How much do I have to pay?" he asks.

"One thousand dollars for the food."

"But I haven't touched the food."

"It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."

"But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!"

"It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."

"But I slept on the floor!"

"It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."

"You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey."

"But sir, I didn't screw your donkey."

"It was there. You should have!"

2007-01-07 04:20:02 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money, even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous women. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend John.

They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. John replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we're done having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!

2007-01-07 03:57:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey what do you think of this for a joke for a future episode of family guy?

Peter-"Like that time I was VH1's I Love New York"
Setting night: (Peter and New york are having a romantic dinner)
Peter is farting and lighting is farts at the table giving his signature laugh after lighting each fart)
(New York looks annoyed but as Peter continues to light farts (6X)
she gets even more annoyed until she grabs her wine glass and tosses it on Peter as he's lighting a fart catching himself on fire in the process.
Peter run around before jumping out of a window, we hear splash and sizzle sounds.
Peter- "Uh I think that went well, call me sometime."

2007-01-07 03:25:04 · 8 answers · asked by J-Dog 007 1

He Refused ........ the question
a- answering b- to answer
which choice is the right one .. < a or b >

2007-01-07 03:14:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

nose started to bleed really bad after that i felt bad did i fo the right thing i'm only 15?

2007-01-07 03:13:37 · 17 answers · asked by ^dRaMa ^qUeEN 3

i travel from Broklyn to London from London to Australia from Australia to Kenya fom Kenya to England what is my name

2007-01-07 02:59:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly."How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

2007-01-07 02:59:39 · 14 answers · asked by Nafertiti 2

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

2007-01-07 02:56:55 · 12 answers · asked by Nafertiti 2

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?""I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'

2007-01-07 02:46:03 · 11 answers · asked by Nafertiti 2

1]father:thank u very much doctorfor saving the life of my son
doc:it was god who saved ur son
father:however, thank u and good bye
doc:what about my fees?????
father:i will money order it to god.

2]natha and his wife wanted to buy a colour tv set.They went to the biggest tv shop in jalandhar where the following conversation took place:
shopkeeper:what kind of tv set whould u like to buy,sir
natha:colour tv set only
after the shopkeeper had shown them the different sets available, natha and wife went to one side and begain an animated discussion. after some time, the shopkeeper helpfully enquired,'what r u discussing? maybe i can help u?
"v hav a problem. v can't decied which colour to buy," replied natha


riddle
why do scientists call it 're'search when looking for somthing new????????????????

plz rate them out of 5

good day

2007-01-07 02:45:38 · 21 answers · asked by san42 3

2007-01-07 02:43:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

or something you saw?

2007-01-07 02:40:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

2007-01-07 02:23:43 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you figure this out? What's this that's sooo common in both
Politics AND a cunnilingus??!!!

2007-01-07 01:59:01 · 7 answers · asked by The Isht! 2

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy .



. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out

2007-01-07 01:54:56 · 19 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3