Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend. Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. " I was walking by Mr. Tidy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a little visit. I noticed his study light was on so i decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when i saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy. How did the officer know Mr. Fiend was lying?

2007-01-07 07:48:47 · 11 answers · asked by Mr T 4

especially that fat birds....jade and her mother!

2007-01-07 07:46:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

EVER WONDER Why??

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing

liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man Who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the Whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

2007-01-07 07:46:00 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull Elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a Large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out With his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its Foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern Look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe Stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually The elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty Years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As They approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned And walked over to near where

2007-01-07 07:44:59 · 9 answers · asked by a m 4

2007-01-07 07:43:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

MEN NEVER LISTEN !!!!
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. "He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW, Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure .

2007-01-07 07:30:41 · 22 answers · asked by a m 4

2007-01-07 07:22:57 · 27 answers · asked by DON 1

That you can listen to a AM radio in the afternoon.

2007-01-07 07:16:57 · 17 answers · asked by Sarah 2

12 witches were on the way to kill the wealthiest man in the world Mr Boo. 1 of them Dog exused himself as he had forgotten his wallet at home .He asked them to wait for him as it would be very helpful in their journey . The rest decided to visit one of their
recent victims whose father they had just killed.
Dog came back running didn't find his collegues so he thought they had headed to Mr Boo.He started to run ,his productive machine lashing on both thighs as he was naked like his friends.
That was a very hottest night .Mr Boo came out of the swimming pool walking around aimleslly."Where are the others ?Two of us can't just kill Mr Boo as we don't have enough magical staff"
"What?"Asked Mr Boo being shocked .He did run to the house to take his gun. Realising that death was coming, Dog climbed up the fence . He lost his wallet .Mr Boo found it .It had human hair inside and oilly offensive substance .
Question :Do you believe in witchcraft?

2007-01-07 07:14:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 07:11:44 · 25 answers · asked by Richard 7

I always wondered how toilet paper manufacturers can claim that their paper is kitten soft? Do people test this?

2007-01-07 07:10:17 · 28 answers · asked by Banny Grasher 4

I want you.
I shall seek you and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my wicked way with you.
I will make you ache, sweat and shake till you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved.
When i'm finished with you, you will be weak for days.

All my love THE FLU xx

2007-01-07 06:49:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man's walking down a crowded street and pulls out a gun with his LEFT HAND, shoots a guy cold-blooded murder. Many saw, he was arrested and trialed. He was convicted for 1st degree murder, life in prison, and no paroll. The next day he was let out. Why was he let out??? (usually you get yes and no queations but i dont see how that can work, in this situation...) Though, i will highlight important details.....

2007-01-07 06:47:41 · 17 answers · asked by armanhiman 1

you don't know...

and you think the Irish are thick....

(if your irish then its Kerry)

2007-01-07 06:45:41 · 20 answers · asked by Dogtor 4

It was a murder trial and one of the main witnesses was a German tourist but unfortuantly there was no interpretor on hand so instead of cancelling the trial for the day the judge asked if anyone in the court could translate.

A wee guy stood up and said he could.

The judge thanked him and asked him to step forward and say a few words to the Jerry.

The wee guy said "Vot is your name"

lol he got jailed for a week for contempt of court.

2007-01-07 06:22:52 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-01-07 06:10:24 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

No appostrophe's, dashes, comma's etc.(I saw it in the newspaper, I'm not being smug).

2007-01-07 06:08:00 · 7 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

2007-01-07 05:51:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-01-07 05:48:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was in the pub with my wife and this stranger came up and said ''i will give you £50,000 if you let me have sex with your wife''
so i kicked his guide dog up the jacksy and hit him over the head with his white stick.

2007-01-07 05:43:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond fellow who is very shy with the ladies keeps hearing his buddy's adventures in the bedroom. He is enthralled with tales of activities that he can only immagine. Finally the poor fellow decides that it is time to find out for himself what this is about, and goes with a girl into a room.The girl asks him what he would like to do today? He answers that he has heard all about this 69, and really wants to try that. She says right on, and procedes to show him how.They are going at it nicely, and he is enjoying himself quite a bit, when she suddenly farts in his face. This is unpleasant, he thinks, but gets back into his efforts. Soon he is enjoying himself immensely, when again she farts, this time right up his nose! He jumps up and grabs his clothes, dresses, and runs outside. What's wrong? asks his buddy, waiting for him outside.The blond guy looks at him in awe and says, I don't know how you do it all the time, I just can't take sixty-seven more of those!!!

2007-01-07 05:39:08 · 16 answers · asked by warp 2

comes from grinding peanuts, and olive oil comes from pressing olives, where does baby oil come from?

2007-01-07 05:37:35 · 7 answers · asked by littlblueyes 4

.. . than usual EU-condoms ?! Anyone knows !??

Aaron.

2007-01-07 05:36:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

2007-01-07 05:25:43 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everthing neat and tidy. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pilow. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Mom, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

2007-01-07 05:21:26 · 42 answers · asked by quilm 3

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year

2007-01-07 05:20:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian,white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two
Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.

2007-01-07 05:19:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have to work whenever told to
You don't get a holiday
You don't get paied

Haha, I got this from one of the episodes in Futurama, when Bender, Fry & Leelaa become slaves and Fry starts explaining to Leelaa what sux aobut being a slave, although she keeps telling him that EVETYTHING sux about being a slave. Anyway what do you think it sux about being a slave, oh and is has to be funny, that's the whole point of this question!!!

2007-01-07 05:16:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

How good do you think my jokes are?

2007-01-07 05:15:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us, too.”
“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”

2007-01-07 05:12:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous