Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Mine is When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.

2007-01-07 09:53:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it. "Hey, what's that?"

"A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist."

"Can I try?" The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!"

"Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist

2007-01-07 09:45:13 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

knock knock
who there ?
Torch
torch who?
torchwood

2007-01-07 09:36:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

perhaps you someone like me who still giggles when they pass wind, I'm just wondering if others still giggle

2007-01-07 09:29:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

2007-01-07 09:21:41 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

each different heights (no two people the same height). they:
-cannot shake hands with the same person twice and
-cannot shake hands with anyone taller then them,

how many handshakes altogether???

2007-01-07 09:19:54 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Robert Irichi (fake name) traveled all around the world. But he had a cat. Donald Rupert decided to watch Robert's cat when he was gone.
One day, Robert went to China. When he came back after four weeks, Donald said, "Robert. I'm sorry...but your cat died."
Robert was sad, but said, "couldn't you at least given me some hope, like saying it went up the roof?"
The next trip was Indiana. After six weeks, Donald was in his room again. "Robert...your mom went up the roof, and we haven't seen her since."

2007-01-07 09:14:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 09:08:31 · 6 answers · asked by thequeen 1

A fish in a stream sees a fly above the water and thinks when that fly drops 6 inches I will jump out of the water and eat the fly.

A bear sees the fish and thinks when the fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump and I will catch the fish.

A hunter across the stream thinks when the fish jumps to get the fly the bear will catch the fish and I will shoot the bear.

A mouse sees a piece of cheese the hunter has and thinks when the fish jumps the bear will catch it, the hunter will shoot and drop the cheese and I will get the cheese.

A cat sees the mouse and thinks when the fish jumps the bear will catch it, the hunter will shoot and drop the cheese, the mouse will go after the cheese and I will get the mouse.

So, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped to eat the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot and dropped the cheese, the mouse ran after the cheese, the cat jumped at the mouse, the mouse ducked and the cat fell in the stream.

Whats the moral of the story?

2007-01-07 08:52:11 · 13 answers · asked by nine_iron76 3

How should I respond to a snide, off color, rude, lame or otherwise bad remark. Sarcasm is good, but no swears please.

2007-01-07 08:51:58 · 21 answers · asked by Caroline O 3

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

2007-01-07 08:50:01 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi."

2007-01-07 08:47:38 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 08:45:49 · 19 answers · asked by teeeeeen. 2

If you are in a race with 7 people and you are ahead of the last person, what place are you in??

2007-01-07 08:42:31 · 24 answers · asked by v_nguyen51395 1

2007-01-07 08:40:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash
I have ever put my pecker in.

2007-01-07 08:39:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mc vities have made a viagra biscuit you can dip it in your tea & it still stays hard

2007-01-07 08:37:00 · 17 answers · asked by miss smidgey 4

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun.

The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!” The lion answers, “The f*cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

2007-01-07 08:34:37 · 23 answers · asked by Tink 5

heres another one-so a lady gets pregnant and the doctor asked her what shes going to name the baby so she tells him-the black mother ****** from down the block that will kick yo azz from street to street so later in the futrue on his first day of school the teacher sked him what his name was so he says the black mother ****** from down the black that will kick yo *** from street to street all of the kids are laughing so she sends him to the office the principle asked what the problem so he said all i did was tell her my name so the priciple asked what is it so he said im the black mother ****** from down the block that will kick your *** from strreet to street so the principle got mad and suspended him on his way a one eyed bum with a gun asked him whats yo name boy so he said the black mother ****** from down the block that will kick yo *** from streeet to street so the one eyed bum shot him so when the boy went to heaven he man at the gate asked him his name so he said it so then

0 seconds ago
he got sent to hell so then the devil asked him his name so he said the black mother ****** from down below that will burn yo *** from head to toe

Additional Details

14 minutes ago
Funny jokes to make you laugh?
A kindergarten teacher says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter." She begins with "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple" The teacher replies, "Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "*****" or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, "B...Baseball." And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him.

14 minutes ago
R...Rat" Johnny replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-*** mother-******' rat with a dick 12 inches long

13 minutes ago
this ones called
Last Request



A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"

11 minutes ago
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash
I have ever put my pecker in.

9 minutes ago
This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink,

8 minutes ago
the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

7 minutes ago
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

6 minutes ago
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

2 minutes ago
there is this boyfriend and girlfriend..
bf: "hon, let's do 69!"
gf: "what is 69?"
bf: "it's easy.."

then they positioned theirselves..
while in that position, the boy farted 4 times..

then the girl reacted and said "omg! i cant do this anymore! i cant take anymore the remaining 65!"

1 second ago
Poppa mole and Momma mole and Baby mole are all going up the mole hole when Poppa mole stops short. What were Momma mole and Baby mole doing?

17 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer. - 4 answers - Report Abuse
You can't answer your own question.

2007-01-07 08:25:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you do the next line/

2007-01-07 08:15:18 · 12 answers · asked by Alicat 6

a man was done fishing that day. a little boy asked him " how many fish did you catch"?

the man said: i caught 8 thats a half, 6 with no heads, and 9 with no tails.



how many fish did he catch??

hints: its not that hard once y0u look at the problem.


if y0u have thee answer, reply ! thank you!

2007-01-07 08:14:53 · 19 answers · asked by jyu2573 2

iz a brain teaser.=]]


Tobie had a mom with 4 children.

their names are: spring,summer,fall, and __________.

what is the last child's name???



ightt if y00h have thee answer, hit me up.

2007-01-07 08:11:17 · 36 answers · asked by jyu2573 2

Can you find the "C" ??? (Good exercise for the eyes!)


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2007-01-07 08:10:53 · 17 answers · asked by ~O~ 2

Boy goes to doctor and asks for Viagra eye drops

Doctor why?

Boy repiless because I want to look hard

2007-01-07 08:09:47 · 18 answers · asked by george r. n. 5

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said,




"Come out and fight like a man!".

2007-01-07 08:08:15 · 12 answers · asked by a m 4

Please also give me 4 options to every question and an answer to every question.

Remember-
Math and science must be of really low level- of 6th grade. Try to put Science the least and Riddles the most.


Thanks!!

2007-01-07 08:04:03 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is found dead in an empty room that was locked from the inside. He hung himself with a rope that was hung in the center of the room but there is no chair in the room or anything else that could have lifted him up. The room also has no windows. The only evidence is that the floor is wet. How did he hang himself?

2007-01-07 08:02:55 · 14 answers · asked by Mr T 4

Suppose you want to send in the mail a valuable object to a friend. You have a box which is big enough to hold the object. The box has a locking ring which is large enough to have a lock attached and you have several locks with keys. However, your friend does not have the key to any lock that you have. You cannot send the key in an unlocked box since it may be stolen or copied. How do you send the valuable object, locked, to your friend - so it may be opened by your friend?

2007-01-07 08:01:20 · 15 answers · asked by Mr T 4

2007-01-07 07:55:46 · 16 answers · asked by 123 2

can you name what veg or fruit brings tears to your eyes

2007-01-07 07:49:16 · 31 answers · asked by lizzard 2