Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

John went fishing one day but had no luck at all. He noticed that another fisherman near him was catching fish one after another. He had to know the secret. He approached the other fisherman and said, "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man said, "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good , you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait.

The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish.

John approached the man and asked "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

"Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait."

John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try.

On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish.

John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good."

"Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor".

"No,"

said the man,

"I'm a Rabbi."

2007-01-07 11:51:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

my doctors surgery conducted a survey about OCD. They sent out questionaires to all the people on their books, 5'073.
They got 543 replies all from the same person.

2007-01-07 11:48:24 · 13 answers · asked by matured 3

A.)Both only seem to be concerned with: "when can i hit it again?"

2007-01-07 11:48:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

shut one eye lol lol lol lol

2007-01-07 11:44:37 · 4 answers · asked by daisy 1

A dear sweet old couple notice as the years take their toll that they are becoming forgetful. Frightened they are losing it they go see their doctor who says he doubts that it is anything serious. However, he advises them to write things down, just to help the brain recall things.

That night they settle down to watch television and the old lady says to her husband."Do be a dear and get my some ice cream please."

"Okay" says the husband.

"You'd better write that down, dear, you'll forget when you go into the kitchen."

"Now come come, I hardly think I'll forget you wanted ice-cream my dearest."

"Well, I'd like some raspberry ripple on top, I think you should write that down, that's two things you need to remember." she says gently.

"Now, now dear, I think I'll remember you want ice-cream with raspberry ripple on top." he replies as gently as he can.

"But I also want some crushed almonds on top of it too, and some whipped cream. You will never remember all that dear." returns the old lady

"Listen," yells her by now thoroughly pee'd off husband," I will damn well remember you want an ice-cream, with raspberry ripple, crushed almonds and bloody whipped cream!" and he storms off into the kitchen.

Some time later he emerges and presents his wife the result of his efforts: Ham and eggs, with mushrooms, covered in tomato and brown sauce.

"See, you old fool!" she yells, "you forgot the bloody toast!"

2007-01-07 11:43:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medecines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wider as he realised she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"MRS Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs Smith, I can assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctors knee."Yes, dear I know that, but every morning I grind up one of the pills and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year-old granddaughter drinks....And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

2007-01-07 11:42:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 11:40:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went into a bar and ordered a whisky each.

They were just about to sip on their lovely malts when three huge bluebottles buzzed in and plop, plop, plop, they each fill into a glass.

Well the Englishman is so repulsed he pushes his way. The Irishman fishes his out and continues drinking quite unperturbed.

The Scotsman picks his out of the glass too but holds it up and shakes it violently shrieking at it:

"Spit it oot ya wee b******!"

2007-01-07 11:35:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-07 11:31:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police horse!!!

OOOoooo just a joke!

2007-01-07 11:29:46 · 31 answers · asked by Tink 5

Yo Momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved.

Yo Momma so black she dissolves in the shade.



*Feel free to post your own Yo Momma joke at the end of your answer.*

2007-01-07 11:29:36 · 12 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

Have you heard about the dyslexic man who sold his soul to Santa.

2007-01-07 11:26:34 · 17 answers · asked by matured 3

She knows she`s given her last bl*w j*b!!

2007-01-07 11:26:15 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-07 11:20:27 · 16 answers · asked by Richard 7

meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

2007-01-07 11:19:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favourite s*x positions. One says, "Ever have rodeo s*x?"

"Ain`t heard of that one."says the other cowboy. "what is it?"

"Well, you get the her down on all fours, and you mount from her behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, `boy, these feel just like your sister`s!` And see how long you can hang on!"

2007-01-07 11:10:45 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5

Female Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who`s not a creep,
One who`s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who`ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he`s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won`t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who`ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Male Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a bass boat, This doesn`t
Rhyme and I don`t give a s**t.

2007-01-07 10:56:33 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-07 10:51:17 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old lady phones the fire brigade in the middle of the night..."Please come at once - a couple of big hairy bikers are outside, trying to climb up to my bedroom window."
"Madam, we're the fire brigade - you need to call the police.
"Why? - I thought you were the ones with the ladders!"

2007-01-07 10:32:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

2007-01-07 10:31:55 · 15 answers · asked by mrs microchipper 2

I have just had an E-mail from some D*ck complaining because I tell jokes on here!!!! There is a joke section!!!!

I work nights on a specialist ward and patch up Tw@ts like him who think they`re superman every time they have a drink!!!

Its good to have a laugh and tell jokes it helps me relax and forget some of the horrors I see.

Do you think I should E-mail him back???

Oh maybe not eh...He just rattled me!

Tink x

2007-01-07 10:27:29 · 30 answers · asked by Tink 5

A woman on her deathbed tells her husband to look in the big trunk under the bed. He opens it and finds three eggs and a thousand pounds in cash. "Every time I faked an orgasm with you, I took an egg and I put it in the trunk," says the woman.

"Not bad," thinks the man, "three fakes in all these years of marriage." So he asks the woman, "But what about the thousand pounds?"

"Every time I got up to a dozen eggs, I sold them." :)

2007-01-07 10:26:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

For their 50th wedding anniversary, Bill & Sue go back to the cottage where they spent their honeymoon. As they stroll along a country path, Bill says, "Look, do you remember that tree by the fence?"
"I certainly do," blushes Sue, "That's where we had the hottest sex of our honeymoon."
Well, they're both still hot for each other, so they have a look around and, seeing there's nobody in sight, they're soon over by the tree, with Sue leaning against the fence, her skirt hitched up and Bill going at it like a man 50 years younger. In no time, Sue is yelling and thrashing about, and she doesn't stop until Bill is exhausted and has to sit down on the grass.
"I can't have lost my touch," he says proudly, "I don't remember you going that wild 50 years ago."
"50 years ago," says Sue..."that fence wasn't electric."

2007-01-07 10:21:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newly-wed couple arrive at their honeymoon hotel, and ask for a double room. "Since it's your honeymoon," says the receptionist, "wouldn't you like the bridal suite?"
"No, it's all right," says the bridegroom, "I'll just hold on to her ears till she gets the hand of it." :)

2007-01-07 10:15:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A van driver is driving along when he sees a woman dressed in a PVC suit, hitch-hiking. He stops to give her a life and after a couple of miles she asks if he wants sex. They're going at it in the back, and she starts shouting, "Spank me, spank me!" So he spanks her and she gets more and more excited. Then she starts shouting, "Whip me, whip me!"
"I haven't got a whip," he protests.
"Well there must be something you can use - why not pull the radio aerial off and use that?"
So he pulls the aerial off the van and whips her with that. Afterwards she's really sore, so she goes to the doctor and shows him the marks on her bottom from the whipping.
"Did you get these marks having sex?" asks the doc.
"Yes, I did," she says.
"I though so...this is the worst case of van-aerial disease I've ever seen." :)

2007-01-07 10:11:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into the bedroom naked but entirely wrapped in clingfilm and says to his wife. "Tell me the truth, do you think I'm a pervert?"
"I don't know about pervert," replies his wife,"but I can clearly see you're nuts. :)

2007-01-07 10:04:27 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A punk rocker gets on a bus: he's pierced and tattooed, with multi-coloured hair in a big mohican. He sees an old man staring and asks, "What the f***'s the matter old boy - didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?"
"Yes," says the old man. "I had sex with a parrot once, and i was just f****n wondering if you were my son."

2007-01-07 10:01:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped but, I`m afraid that you`ve been giving me too much I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before".

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about......" replied the lady.

2007-01-07 10:01:26 · 13 answers · asked by Tink 5

if god made the front of a womans body who made the back !!!!!!! the council only them would put a **** hole next to a play area

2007-01-07 09:56:00 · 6 answers · asked by wendy 1

1. HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt

2007-01-07 09:54:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous