What is your the funniest joke you know.?

Question

10 points for best joke.

Answer 1

One time there were three college guys visiting France, a guy form University of Texas, a guy form University of Alabama, and a guy from MIT. Well, they had an eventful trip, and all three are sentenced to the guillotine. so the guy from Texas gets up and they ask Do you have any last thing to say? And he says Remember the Alamo! So they put his head in and they flick the switch, and nothing happens. The rule is that they never put someone through something like that tiwce, so they let him go free.
Then the guy form Alabama goes up, and they ask him if he has anything to say, and he says the south will rise again! And they pout his head in, flick the switch, and nothing happens , so he also goes free.
Then the guy fomr MIT gets up, and they say, do you have nay last words? And he says yea, you know this thing is never gonna work unless you adjust that knob to a slight angle. . .


What's the difference between a dead lawyer in middle of the road and a dead squirrel?

There are skid marks in front of the sqirrel

Answer 2

Reports are coming in of an 'I love you' virus mutation

After the other day's worldwide strike of the "I LOVE YOU VIRUS", reports are already coming in that the virus is mutating into several stages.

Within the next few hours, expect to see:

The original "I love you" virus The "I like you a lot" virus
The "You're nice, but I just want to be friends" virus
The "Its not you, its me" virus
The "Look, it was just a date...don't get clingy" virus
The "Okay, I think its best if we don't have anymore contact" virus
The "It was late, I was drunk, you were easy" virus
The "Stop calling me, you unfeeling prick" virus and finally,
The "That's it, I hate you and your stupid dog" virus

Plus:

The "No, I Ruullllyyyy Like You" Virus ... usually hits around midnight
The "You're Beawfullll ....." virus .... usually hits about 2am
The "Nothing has to happen. I just want to wake up with you in my arms" virus ..... careful, it's a sly one.
The "You're OK but I was wondering if your friend is single" virus
The "Of course I'll phone you ... Now do you want me to call a cab for you?" .......... hmmm, that'll hit anytime between 3am & noon.

Answer 3

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A DRUNKARD?

Top 20 indicators

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A DRUNKARD WHEN:

-Your friends accuse you of “acting weird” whenever they meet you sober.

-You want to rid the world of booze—one drink at a time.

-You fall off the wagon and it backs up and runs you over a couple times.

-You’ve flunked the wine-tasting class at the local free university four times this year but still keep giving it the ol’ college try.

-You don’t get “falling down drunk,” you get “gravity-challenged.”

-You don’t call them birthdays, you call them “a-free-shot-at-every-bar-I-can-reach-in-the-next-24 hours-days.”

-You think the only thing worse than warm flat keg beer on Sunday is no warm flat keg beer on Sunday.

-You know that in Heaven the bars open at 6am and close at 5:59am and in Hell it’s the other way around.

-You’ve convinced your boss that your cologne is called “Eau de Cheap Scotch.”

-You can identify most of the bars in town by the underside of their barstools.

-You try to buddy up to the arresting officer by offering him a drink from the open container between your knees.

-You’ve gotten so loaded you cursed the DJ for refusing to play “Muskrat Love.”

-Youv’e tried to lay down on the ceiling.

-You resolve to call your local councilman and complain about the city’s ill-advised policy of putting lampposts in the middle of the road.

-Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.

- You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.

- You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed your own wife.

- You get held up almost every time you go home — in fact it’s the only way you can get home.

- Everyone thinks you’re bilingual.

-Your plan to move to New Orleans during hurricane season is based entirely upon the possibility of getting “trapped” in a bar.

Answer 4

...There was a certain bus driver who hated his job, and he figured he was through. He went up to the personnel office to resign.
...He said, "I am quitting this job, and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!"
...The personnel manager replied, "Please, let's not be hasty. You are one of our most dependable drivers. We really hate to lose you. What problems are you experiencing?"
...The driver vented his frustrations to the personnel manager. Then came the offer.
..."If you try it just one more week, we'll change your route, give you a new and special bus, and since it is Friday, you can take off the last half of today. How about trying it, for just one more week?"
...Feeling somewhat better about the situation, he agreed to try it for one more week.
...He arrived Monday for work, they gave him his new route, and he was escorted to his new bus. This bus was special in a strange sort of way --- it had all these muppet characters all over it, like Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggie, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. Even so, he made an agreement, so he climbed into the driver seat, and off he went.
...At the 1st stop, a very heavy woman entered the bus. She introduced herself as "Patty". The driver told her to sit down, and they continued on.
...At the 2nd stop, another very heavy woman entered the bus. She introduced herself as "Patty". The driver told her to sit down, and they continued on.
...At the 3rd stop, a lady with a lady boy named Ross got on the boss. She went on and on and on and on about how great and special her little Ross was. The driver, a little impatient now, told them to find a seat, and they drove on.
...At the 4th stop, a barefoot man named Lester Sheets walked in. The bus driver reminded him that company policy stated he must have shoes on to ride the bus. Lester begged and begged and begged, saying that the bunions on his feet hurt, and that he had no other way to get to where he needed to go. The driver sighed, and agreed, and on they drove.
...The driver look in his rear view and saw Lester picking his feet on the bus. That was it, that was enough for him. He stopped the boss, made everyone leave, and returned to the bus lot.
...He went up to the personnel office, and told them, "I really am quitting this time, and you can't make me come back."
...They asked him why.
...He said, "Because you gave me two obese patties, special Ross, Lester Sheets, pickin' his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

Answer 5

so this troll walks into a bar but he cant reach the countertop to place his order so he jumps up and down say "can i get a beer can i get a beer. after a while he gets very mad and climbs up on top of the bar top and sees another troll jumping up and down saying " what would you like what would you like".

THis isnt a very good joke ^^^^^^

Answer 6

sorry if u find this sad - im 13!

2 blondes either side of a river.

1 shouts out 2 the other "how do i get 2 the other side?"

the other blonde replies "you'r on it!"
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a blonde a brunette and a red head are out walking when they get stop by the devil himself!

devil says "i will tell you 1 hundred jokes and if u laugh at any of them i will send you straight down to hell"

the devil starts tell them the jokes and by the time he gets to 25 the brunette laugh's so he send's her down.

the devil carries on and gets to about the 60th joke and the red head laugh's so he send's her down

he gets to the last joke and the blonde laugh's so he send's her down.

the brunette and red head ask the blonde " why did you laugh at the last joke?!?"

the blonde replies " I only just got the 1st one!!"

Answer 7

Two blondes are sitting on a beach in hawaii, and one blonde asks the other. "what do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?" The other blonde replies "well duh! can you SEE Florida?"




What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Answer 8

how do you cut an emo sandwhich?

you dont it cuts itself

i know its crap but in only13

Answer 9

none